Rodney Ohebsion

Excerpts from my book What I Think of Various Places and People

Here's a good experiment for learning what this country is like. Go to the South and track down some guy who won the lottery. Ask him what he bought with his lottery winnings. How do you think he'll respond? Will he say, "Well. I've built myself quite a portfolio. I've invested $20 million in real estate. And $20 million in stocks and bonds. And I've got $10 million in fine art, including three Van Goghs and four Cezannes. I'm also planning to take a trip to Europe. I hear Croatia is quite breathtaking this time of year."

Will a Southern lottery winner say that kind of stuff? Heck no! Here's what he'll say. "I bought a white F150, and I also bought a grey Silverado, and a blue F150, and a red F150, and I bought a black F150 for my brother Billy, and a green Dodge Ram for my cousin Bobby, and a blue F150 for my grandma Billie Jean, and a grey F150 for my other grandma Bobbie Joe." Then ask him, "Did you also buy a house?" And he'll tell you, "Right now I'm homeless, and I got 700 pickup trucks parked on Flatbush Avenue. And most of those trucks is F150s."

I like to hang out in the Costco parking lot and watch people pushing their carts out of the store. It's quite an experience. Some guy enters the place, and he thinks, "Oh, I'll just go in, I'll get some batteries for my clicker, and I'll also eat a few hundred calories of free samples. And maybe I'll buy a thing or two that tickles my fancy." And then four hours later, that guy is walking out of the store with a cart containing 48 batteries, 4000 toothpicks, a humidifier, a dehumidifier, a rehumidifier, two karaoke machines, two pounds of green Jolly Ranchers, three bottles of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, two gazebos, three dozen roses, a Kirkland Signature African dashiki and Japanese sashimono, 30 pounds of Kibbles ‘n Bits, an engagement ring, eight bottles of Flintstone vitamins, 24 ping pong paddles, two elephants, two Goodyear tires, one Goodyear blimp, and a machine that simultaneously makes beef jerky and espresso.

Rich people are very star-oriented. And no, I don't mean they use telescopes and study astronomy. I mean they're very concerned with how many stars a hotel has. If you suggest to a rich guy that he should stay at a two and a half star hotel, he'll act like you just slapped his mother in the face two and a half times. Rich people don't give much leeway when it comes to matters pertaining to hotel selection. They feel like if they stay at a Holiday Inn, their social status will be lowered to "common peasant who subsists on a diet of taters and Twinkies." If you so much as mention Holiday Inn to a rich guy, he'll say, "Do I look like a tater eater to you?! I'll have you know that I only stay at five star hotels, and I only eat five star food, and I only attend five star concerts, and my dog is a five star Yorkshire Terrier, and I clean up after him using five star pooper scoopers."

Trump is very unfiltered. He's the second most unfiltered President in US history. Number one is Andrew Jackson. Let's talk about how unfiltered that man was. He once said, "After eight years as President, my only regret is that I didn't hang John C. Calhoun." Apparently, Andrew Jackson was successful as a President, but unsuccessful in his quest to kill John C. Calhoun. When I first read that quote, I figured John C. Calhoun was a 19th century terrorist who was hiding in a cave in Afghanistan. But then I did some research on Wikipedia. And it turns out that John C. Calhoun was not a Middle Eastern terrorist. He was Andrew Jackson's Vice President.

So, there you go. That should give you an indication of how Andrew Jackson was more unfiltered than Donald Trump. Jackson was 100% unfiltered. Trump is only 99% unfiltered. Trump has never actually stated that he wants to hang other US politicians. He implies that three or four times a day—but he's never actually said it.

Trump filters himself. But Andrew Jackson didn't believe in filters at all. I wonder what Andrew Jackson's State of the Union Addresses were like. I'll bet he said stuff like, "The economy is good. But that's not what I want to focus on right now. Let me ask you this. You see that sleazebucket politician sitting right next to me? I'm currently pushing for legislation that will give me the legal right to hang him. Now, I know what some of you are thinking. You're thinking, ‘He's the Vice President. Why do you want to hang the Vice President?' Well. I got two reasons. One—I'm hoping for a new Vice President. And two—I want to change this one. Hope. Change. I'm Andrew Jackson, and I believe in Hope and Change. We can kill Vice President Calhoun. Yes we can!"

I really like Andrew Jackson's version of Hope and Change and Yes We Can. Nowadays, whenever I vote, I vote for Andrew Jackson. 100% of the time. I don't even care what I'm voting for. President. Andrew Jackson. Governor. Andrew Jackson. Prop 24. Andrew Jackson.

This page contains excerpts from my book What I Think of Various Places and People

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