I'm a Real American Logo: 1. A 1991 portrait of United States Presidents Gerald Ford, Richard Nixon, George HW Bush, Ronald Reagan, and a third of Jimmy Carter at the dedication of the Reagan Presidential Library; 2. The United States Seal; 3. An American flag

I'm a real American. I drive an American car, I drink American beer, and I enjoy a wide variety of non-liberal, non-pornographic activities such as eating cheesburgers and voting for people other than Obama. Liberals are not into those activities. They eat quinoa, and they want the country to be overrun by jazz musicians, drug users, soccer players, illegal immigrants, and prostitutes. Nancy Pelosi once spent $3,000 of taxpayer money on bottled water. What is she--a camel!? I'm a real American, which means when Obama was "President," I put quotes around the word "President" whenever I referred to "President" Obama, but I never put quotes around Hussein, because Obama is a legitimate Hussein, but he was not a legitimate president. Richard Nixon drank mud water from the Potomac River. And rum. I'm talking about American made rum, made from an aged American flag.

Richard Nixon was a man of principles, integrity, and honesty. When he was about to be impeached, he didn't waste everyone's time and money by going through with a trial, the way Bill Clinton did. Nixon resigned like a man--even though he was 100% not guilty. I prefer Chinamen and Japanmen to other non-Americans. Furthermore, Elmo is a communist. Richard Nixon didn't spend $200 million on his inauguration ceremony, the way Trump and Obama did. There was no inauguration ceremony for Nixon. The moment his term began, he got right to work, and started roundhousing kicking communists left and right. I can taste Richard Nixon's sweat any time Obama is identified as a Muslim. Wait. Let me just stop for a second to show you a Halliburton ad:

Halliburton isn't even paying me to show that ad. I just put it there because I support them, and I don't support alternative energy. When Obama was in the White House, he made it a house of race cards. I want Halliburton to acquire Apple Computers and turn it into an oil refinery. 99% of all movies should show Bill Belichick carring a whip, and forcing the Obamas and the Clintons to mine for coal.

Books and websites I recommend

Make America Great Again

Fox News

Donald Trump Is Seriously an Idiot

Chester Feynman

I drive the ultimate in American cars: a Nixon year Buick: a 1972 Skylark Sedan: with a Condederate flag bumper sticker. Driving that car is like flying on top of a bald eagle, and playing the Dukes of Hazard Theme Song on the tape deck. Does a bald eagle have a tape deck? It should. Nowadays, all movies promote liberal horseshit--the same way universities promote liberal horseshit. Everyone in Hollywood is a communist and/or a whore. That's why we need Fox News to start putting out some real American films. There's no such thing as global warming. I mean, let me put it this way. If it's getting hotter, then frozen food prices should be increasing. After all, the hotter it is, the more it costs to keep something cold. And yet, over the past 10.3 years, frozen food prices are up 43.24%--and non-frozen foods are up 67.54%. In other words, frozen foods prices are actually down compared to inflation. Which means that Al Gore should be exiled to Northern Europe. I watch Hot Seat with Wally George five times a day.

My Buick doesn't honk--it yells at people. And it doesn't just let out some smog--it Americanizes the air with Liberty Smoke. You don't need to force me to mine for coal, or even pay me to do it. Just knowing that I'm doing my part to combat alternative energy is payment enough.

There's this Wikipedia site on the interent. It's all liberal propaganda. And then there's a site called Conservapedia. Which is also liberal propaganda. According to Conservapedia, Barack Hussein Obama II was "reportedly born in Honolulu, Hawaii." But according to real Americans like me, Obama was definitely born in Honukenya, Kenya. I'm a real American, which means that I consider an Andy Griffith Show rerun more important than the World Cup. Richard Milhous Nixon was born on July 4, 1876 in a Buick factory. He was wearing a suit. After he was born, he tore off his umbilical cord, got up, and built 400 Buicks with his bare hands. All 400 of those Buicks are still on the road today. After finishing his 400th Buick, Nixon drove it to a coal mine and mined for coal. He didn't take a lunch break. Nixon always ate lunch while working. He ate nothing but liver. And he drank nothing but mud water and rum Nixon accomplished more in his first six hours than that no good communist Barack Obama has accomplished in his entire life.

And here's another part of Conservapdia's Obama article that fails to properly illustrate how much I hate Obama. "In 1971, at age 10, Barack Obama moved to Hawaii, and his grandparents helped him gain entrance to the prestigious Punahou Academy in Honolulu where he began substance abuse and illegal drugs." Notice how in no part of that statement is there so much as a single mention of how Obama wants to destroy America.

After mining for coal, Nixon drove his buick to Arizona and dug the Grand Canyon. The Grand Canyon is basically Nixon's sandbox. It took him a few hours to dig--and he didn't even eat or drink anything, because unlike Nancy Pelosi, he can store water like a camel. Barack Obama is a communist. But the media isn't allowed to mention that. During the 2008 election, they never mentioned that he's built a grand total of zero Buicks. Barack Obama stole the election. He stole it. But American heroes like Richard Nixon and George W. Bush won the presidency fair and square. And even if they crossed a few lines to win, it doesn't matter. American heroes need to do whatever they can to defeat liberal jackasses like Al Gore and whoever the hell Nixon beat.

Working in a coal mine and using a ton of gasoline--that's what makes you a man. That's what makes you a real American. Driving your electric car to a raw food restaurant and voting for a Democrat--that makes you a communist. Richard Nixon is an American hero. Barack Obama is a Kenyan spy. If Nixon were alive today, he'd eat Barack Obama's liver. I don't even think he'd bother chewing. He'd want to get Obama's liver into his digestive tract as quickly as possible.

Nixon discovered America and defeated the British. He created the internet, along with the world's first two websites: foxnews.com and buick.com. He also roundhouse kicked communists in the face, and became a Congressman, and then a Governor, and then Vice President. Vice President Nixon and President Eisenhower built our entire highway system themselves, out of dirt and empty whiskey bottles.

Barack Hussein Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist. He has a copy of the Qur'an with all of the violent passages highlighted and underlined--and he keeps it next to his picture of Khomeini. They found his copy of the Qur'an. He blacked out everything but the violence. He highlighted and underlined the violence, and added a note to each passage saying "I'm Barack Obama--and I approve this message."

If you can't taste Richard Nixon's sweat, you're not a real American. You're either tasting Nixon's sweat or some Muslim holy water. Do Muslims use holy water? They probably use oil.

On January 20, 1969, Richard Milhous Nixon became President of the United States--and on January 21, 1969, the country's unemployment rate hit negative 1776%. Everyone worked. People who wanted jobs, people who weren't sure if they wanted jobs, people who definitely didn't want jobs, and people who were definitely dead. Nixon even dug up Karl Marx's corpse, and made him work 12 hours a day as lumberjack. That's how Nixon fought communism. Every day, people would walk by the White House front lawn and see a dead Karl Marx chopping down redwood trees, like Paul Bunyan. As President, Nixon gave five State of the Union Addresses. Each one was five seconds long, and mentioned two things: how many hours the average American worked, and how many gallons of whiskey the average American preschooler drank for breakfast. Those rates increased every second under Nixon. Right before he resigned in 1974, the average American was working 17 hours a day, the average redwood tree has been chopped down eight times.

And the world was up to its ankles in coal. And there were bald eagles and American flags everywhere. And on Halloween, all children dressed as Uncle Sam--and people gave them beer and cigarettes instead of candy. The average three year old smoked two packs a day, and there was no such thing as lung cancer. And the average family owned five and a half Buick Tanks. Everyone drove a Buick tank to work. All of those tanks were built by Nixon himself, with nothing but two hammers, a bunch of mud, and 187 billion empty whiskey bottles. And yes--Nixon drank all of that whiskey himself, on the day of his Inauguration, right after punching every single communist in the Soviet Union.

Then Nixon was framed of something--and rather than wasting America's time and money the way Obama does, he resigned instead of letting it go to trial.

And in 1994, after finding out that Friends was the most popular show on TV, Richard Nixon committed hari kari suicide in order to go to the afterlife and kill Satan. One second later, Satan was dead. Nixon finished digesting his liver three seconds after that.

If You Hate America, Obama Wants to Make You Head of a Country. If it were up to Obama, every single country would be headed by smeone who hates America. In Obama's ideal world, there's one country called America, and 193 countries called Death to America.

Trump is a moron, too. With his fucking Tweets, and his golddigging wife. If Nixon had a Twitter during his presidency, it wouldn't have been about what he ate for breakfast or did for Christmas. It would've been about the country's net increases in hours worked, gallons of rum consumed, and number of communists roundhouse kicked per week. You want some proof that Obama is a Muslim? Here's some proof that Obama is a Mulsim. Honestly, I'm at a point in my life where I don't need proof. I just know. He's a Muslim. Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. The more I repeat it, the truer it becomes. Barack Hussein Obama is a Muslim. He's an Islamic fundamentalist. It's common knowledge. Proof just gets in the way knowing the truth.

But the point is, Barack Obama is an Islamic fundamentalist terrorist. If that isn't true, why would I repeat it over and over again? The first time I said it, there was still some doubt--but after the thousandth time, there was none.

Barack Obama is a Muslim. He's a Qur'an believer. The Qur'an is nothing but a corrupted knockoff of the Bible that repeats lies over and over again. Muslims are exposed to those lies five times a day throughout their lives. The more they're repeated, the less true they become.

The day before Nixon resigned in 1974, the average American rum manufacturer was worth $174 billion. Abercrombie & Fitch, on the other hand, was worth negative $6 trillion. The company's CEO was tortured fifteen times per day. The Communist Manifesto wasn't just banned--every copy was obliterated with a nuclear weapon. We used one nuclear bomb on each copy. And the Marx brothers became known as the Bald Eagle Quartet. Hamburgers became liberty steaks, liberty steaks became Screw Scandinavia sandwiches, and Screw Scandinavia sandwiches became Bald Eagle Livers with Bread.

Oxygen is for liberal pieces of garbage. Real Americans don't breathe oxygen. They filter it out.

Liberals have plenty of time for lunch breaks. Their entire lives are lunch breaks.

Richard Nixon loved Looney Tunes. Sesame Street is for communists. Elmo is a liberal piece of garbage, just like Matt Damon. Every time your kid watches Elmo, Ho Chih Minh scores a victory. Every time your kid watches Yosemite Sam, America wins.

After discovering America, defeating the British, and giving Biff the Almanac, Nixon began his war on drugs by killing Pablo Escobar, and destroying every copy of over 472 different Cheech and Chong films.

And after creating a drug free America, he became the first man ever to climb all of the world's Seven Summits simultaneously. Europeans take a four hour lunch break every day--and even when they're at work, they watch pornography. The President of France doesn't do much aside from eating cheese, watching pornography, and having intercourse with hookers. All French people know that, and all French people consider him a role model.

Chinamen and Japanmen are favorite group of non-American people. Chinamen and Japanmen don't eat French cheese all day. They work. They build stuff and they mine for coal. Also, all Japanmen have a strong sense of honor. The average Japanman has killed over 1000 sushi chefs for not making their fish raw enough. We should give San Francisco to Japan and Portland to China, so they can turn them into respectable cities.

Nixon ate nothing but liver, and drank nothing but mud water and rum. I go to his gravesite every day and honor him by pouring mud water and rum on it. And then I build a Buick. All Americans should build Buicks. If you're unwilling to build a Buick, you're a Northern European piece of garbage. Nixon made China convert to capitalism, and now everyone there wants a Buick. If Richard Nixon were alive today, there'd be two countries total: The Nixon States of America, and the Nixon Republic of China.

Obama knows that the media isn't allowed to say anything bad about a black President. So what does he do? He manipulates the system and uses it to his advantage. And how does he do that? By showing up to every event as a black man. He's done that 100% of the time. Every day, Obama has played the race card. By being black. McCain didn't do that. Romney didn't do that. They never showed up to a debate as a black man, or starred in a political ad as a black man, or ate breakfast at IHOP as a black man. But Obama has done the black thing over and over and over again. He's racist. Go to any city in Europe at 1 p.m., and the entire city will be on a lunch break. The police, the banks, the mayor, the whores--everyone. They all have to be on break at the same time, for three and a half hours a day. That's the product of three thousand years worth of civilization. Europeans are complete idiots. Obama acts like a European half of the time (and a Kenyan Muslim the other half of the time). 99% of his presidency was a lunch break. But real Americans take five minute lunch breaks. Nixon was the greatest American ever, and he worked while he ate lunch. He died 20 years ago, and he still has yet to take a lunch break.

When Nixon, Eisenhower, and Coolidge were President, American cars were made of metal. Everything should be made of metal. Metal is a great American substance. George Washington's teeth were made of metal. Some sources say wood--but American trees are made of metal. But that didn't stop Paul Bunyan from chopping down 100 trillion of them.

Cigarettes and coal mining don't cause lung cancer. Any time a Republican is elected President, cigarette smoking increases, coal mining increases, and lung cancer decreases. When Nixon was President, we were swimming in coal and cigarette smoke, and there was no such thing as lung cancer (or communism). If Michelle Obama really cares about our children, she should add a coal mine and tobacco farm to every school in the country. Nixon cared about everyone--even communists. Whenever he choked them to death, he recited the Preamble to the Constitution. We have more oil than dirt in this country. When the Pilgrims left England, they sought out a country overflowing with oil. Jed Clampett's gret great great great great great great great great grandfather was on the ship, and he landed it in America, because it was so full of oil. America has oil. But liberals want us to ignore our oil and Obama's commmunist background, and they want us to buy oil from Arabs. Everyone in America should be forced to drill. I don't care who you are, I don't care where you are--just start digging until you hit oil.

Paul Bunyan was an American hero. He chopped down millions of trees. (And keep in mind that American trees are made of metal.) Chopping down trees is good for the environment. Anyone who claims otherwise is a deluded or lying anti-American liberal piece of garbage.

Fettucine Alfredo? No thanks. I prefer Fred's Bread. Why? Because pasta is for communists. Except for mac n' cheese. Real Americans eat mac n' cheese and bread. If an Italian offers you pasta, you tell him, "No way, amigo. I'm American!"

Obama wears a $50,000 custom made suit that we paid for. His cuffulinks are made out of George Washington's wooden teeth.