Rodney Ohebsion

306, 232, 0

Here's the main question we all have regarding politics. We've all asked this question, and no one has really answered it satisfactorily. But right now, I'm gonna give it a go. I'm gonna answer the one political question that's on the mind of everyone in America. And that one question is, "Who exactly is this Gary Johnson guy, and why does he keep on running for President?"

Here's my theory. Gary is someone who's really into the "top three" concept. He's a presidential candidate who's a little too happy about the fact that he keeps on finishing in the top three. I saw an interview of him after the 2016 election. He more or less said something like, "Yeah. It was a great race between the three of us. In fact, it was one of the greatest presidential races in US political history. It was me and Trump and Hillary, we came down the stretch, and we were basically neck-and-neck-and-neck until that photo finish at the end where Donald Trump won."

What photo finish are you talking about, Gary? You mean the one where Trump got 306 electoral votes, Clinton got 232, and you got 0? Yeah. That was a great race. Listen, Gary. You've participated in these supposedly neck-and-neck-and-neck races where your neck is not even in the same zip code as the other two necks. Now here's what you need to do. Get on your horse, and ride it right out of America. There's a country that's a much better fit for you. And it's called Canada.

Canadians are the type of people who will appreciate Gary's fantastic brand of completely illogical perseverance. They'll see him riding his horse through Saskatchewan, and they'll say to each other, "That's Gary Johnson, eh? He's a great man. After all—he runs for President, and he does it for no particularly good reason. We should put his picture on our money, right under the maple leaf, and right between the moose and Wayne Gretzky."

By the way—I've never actually examined Canadian currency, but I'm pretty sure every Canadian bill has pictures of a maple leaf, a moose, and a hockey player. As you can tell, I don't know everything there is to know about Canadian currency. But I do know a little something about US politics. And here's the main thing I know. When it comes to presidential elections, the US has a two party system. As in, the winning candidate will be a member of party one or party two—end of story.

Now, if you live in a country with a two party system, and you run for President as a third party candidate, the only thing that could mean is that you have what's referred to by psychologists as "third party personality disorder." The whole thing is detailed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. It says, "Third party personality disorder (3PPD) is marked by a tendency to participate in lengthy presidential campaigns, even though you have as much a chance of becoming President as Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite."

If you're a third party candidate, your campaign advisors should give you one piece of advice, and one piece of advice only...

The rest of this article can be found in the book What I Think of Various Places and People by Rodney Ohebsion