Rodney Ohebsion

The Greatest Sitcoms Episode, Comedy Movies, Stand Up Comedy Albums/Specials, Sketch Comedy Skits, Etc. of All Time

PREFACE This is a list of of the American public's favorite comedic works. I consulted quite a few sources and put a lot of time into this--but obviously, it's not perfect, and there are probably quite a few misranked or missing items. All in all, however, I feel like list is far more comprehensive and accurate than anything else out there. Important notes. 1 - Once again, this list focuses on what the eneral public prefers. Just because something is popular among critics or a large community on the internet (IMDB, Rotten Tomatoes, The AV Club, etc.), that doesn't mean most people like it. 2 - This is an American list. If something is extremely popular in, say, Great Britain, but is fairly obscure in the US, it's probably towards the bottom of this list, or not on this list at all. 3 - I placed extra emphasis on works that have remained popular over time--for instance, sitcoms that have done well in reruns, and movies that are constantly shown on TV. 4 - I gave bonus points to movies that have had succesful sequels. 5 - Since this is a comedy list, I focused more on works that stand out due to their humor or their general entertainment value. That's why, for instance, a highly regarded dramatic episode of All in the Family might not be on the list at all. I did, however, rank items like Home Alone, When Harry Met Sally, and the Desperate Housewives pilot fairly high, since, although they might not be pure comedies in the traditional sense, their appeal relies heavily on comedic elements. 6 - I placed items in 51 different tiers. Within each tier, I grouped items in these categories: Sitcoms, Movies, Stand Up Comedy Albums and Specials, and Misc. Anyways, here we go, starting from number 1 and moving on. 100s I Love Lucy 1.30 - "Lucy Does a TV Commercial" (Vitameatavegamin) Lucy: "Well, I'm your vitavitevegivac girl. Are you tired, run-down, listless? Do you pop out at parties? Are you unpoopular? Well are you? The answer to all your problems is in this little ol' bottle. Vitameatavegamin. (She reads the label) That's it. Vitameatavegamin contains vitamins, meat, megitables, and vinerals. Hmm (HICCUP). So why don't you join the thousands of happy peppy people and get a great big bottle of uh vita.. vetee... vee ... meany-miny-momy. I tell you what you have to do. You have to take a whole tablespoon full after every meal. (She unsuccesfully attempts to poor it on a spoon, and ends up drinking it straight out of the bottle.) It's so tasty too! It's just like candy. So everybody get a bottle of... this stuff. ANALYSIS Primary themes: object/item (Vitameatavegamin), escalating fiasco, altered personality (Lucy's, due to drunkenness), spoof/parody (Lucy's new versions of the Vitameatavegamin script) I Love Lucy 2.4 - "Job Switching" (The Candy Factory) ANALYSIS Primary Themes: Fish out of water, physical comedy, escalating fiasco Seinfeld - "The Contest" (Master of Your Domain)- Larry David ANALYSIS Primary themes: game, violation of social norms, celebrity (JFK, Jr.) Friends 4.12 - "The One With The Embryos" (The Living Room Game Show / Miss Chinandolor Bong) - Jill Condon & Amy Toomin Ross: OK. Each team will answer ten questions. The first team that answers the most questions wins. OK--the categories are Fears and Pet Peeves, Ancient History, Literature, and It’s All Relative. Ross: Every week, the TV Guide comes to Chandler and Joey’s apartment. What name appears on the address label? Rachel: Chandler gets it! It’s Chandler Bing! Monica: No!! Ross: I’m afraid the TV Guide comes to Chinandolor Bong. Monica: I knew that! Rachel! Use your head! Chandler: Actually, it’s Miss Chinandolor Bong. Ross: What is the name of Chandler’s father’s Las Vegas all-male burlesque? Monica: Viva Las Gaygas! Chandler: If you win, we give up the birds. Joey: Dah!! Chandler: But if we win, we get your apartment. Joey: Oooooh! Monica: Deal! Ross: Rachel claims this is her favorite movie Chandler: Dangerous Liaisons. Ross: Correct. Her actual favorite movie is... Joey: Weekend at Bernie’s. Ross: What is Chandler Bing’s job? Rachel: ... Oh gosh. It has something to do with numbers. Monica: And processing. Rachel: He carries a briefcase. Ross: 10 seconds, you need this or you lose the game. Monica: It’s umm, it has something to do with transponding. Rachel: Oh-oh-oh, he’s a transponce—transpondster! Monica: That’s not even a word! ANALYSIS Primary themes: game, escalating competition, common themes/uncommon mix (game show/someone's apartment) The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "Chuckles Bites the Dust" - David Lloyd TED I don't know his age, but I'd say he was probably in his early sixties. Of course, it's hard to judge by a guy's face--especially when he's wearing big lips and a lightbulb for a nose. TED I was prejudiced against him just because his skin was different colors than mine. ANALYSIS Primary themes: ironic ending, escalating violation of social norms, uncommon mixture of common themes (clown/death) 100m Airplane! - Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker Male announcer: The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no stopping in the white zone. Female announcer: No, the white zone is for loading of passengers and there is no stopping in a RED zone. Male announcer: The red zone has always been for loading and unloading of passengers. There's never stopping in a white zone. Female announcer: Don't you tell me which zone is for loading, and which zone is for stopping! Male announcer: Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again. Captain Oveur: Roger, Roger. What's our vector, Victor? Young Boy: Excuse me, I happened to be passing, and I thought you might like some coffee. Little Girl: Oh, that's very nice of you, thank you. Oh, won't you sit down? Young Boy: Cream? Little Girl: No, thank you. I take it black--like my men. Oveur: You ever been in a cockpit before? Joey: No sir, I've never been up in a plane before. Oveur: You ever... seen a grown man naked? Oveur: Joey, have you ever been... in a Turkish Prison? Dr. Rumack: What was it we had for dinner tonight? Elaine: Well, we had a choice of steak or fish. Dr. Rumack: Yes, yes, I remember. I had lasagna. Elaine: Ladies and gentleman, this is your stewardess speaking. We regret any inconvenience the sudden cabin movement might have caused. (Randy drags unconscious pilot, Oveur, down center aisle.) This is due to periodic air pockets we encountered. There's no reason to become alarmed and we hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane? Rumack: Can you fly this plane and land it? Striker: Surely you can't be serious? Rumack: I am serious. And don't call me Shirley. Rex Kramer: All right, Striker, you listen, and listen close. Flying a plane is no different from riding a bicycle. It's just a lot harder to put baseball cards in the spokes. McCroskey: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue. Kramer: Lonliness, that's the bottom line. I was never happy as a child. Christmas, Ted--what does it mean to you? For me, it was a living hell. Do you know what it's like to fall in the mud and get kicked? In the head? By an iron boot? Of course you don't. No one does. That never happens. Sorry, Ted. Dumb question. Strike that. ANALYSIS Airplane! is a spoof of a little known, dramatic 1957 film titled Zero Hour!, and to a lesser extent, the 70s hit Airplane 1975. It goes out of its way to faithfully recreate the serious tone of those original films, while injecting its wacky, absurdist humor within the context of that tone. The facial expressions, line delivery, music, and pacing of the movie strongly match those in Zero Hour!--not to mention the fact that many lines of dialgoue are taken verbatim from that movie. Airplane! grossed $130 million on a budget of $3.5 million, and has maintained it popularity since its release in 1980. Blazing Saddles - Mel Brooks & Norman Steinberg & Andrew Bergman & Richard Pryor & Alan Uger, Story by Andrew Bergman Bart: Mornin', ma'am. And isn't it a lovely mornin'? Elderly Woman: Up yours, nigger. Duck Soup 100c Bill Cosby - To Russell, My Brother, Whom I Slept With Chris Rock - Bring the Pain Who's more racist: black people or white people? It's black people! You know why? Because we hate black people, too! Everything white people don't like about black people, black people really don't like about black people. And there's two sides. There's black people, and there's niggas. The niggas have got to go. You can't have shit when you around niggas. You can't have shit. You can't have no big screen TV! You can have it, but you better move it in at 3 in the morning, paint it white, hope niggas think it's a bassinet. Can't have shit in your house! Why?! Because niggas will break into your house. Niggas that live next door to you break into your house, come over the next day, and go, "I heard you got robbed." Nigga, you know you robbed me! You didn't see shit 'cause you was doing shit! You can't go see a movie. You know why? 'Cause niggas is shooting at the screen. "This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in here!" You know the worst thing about niggas? Niggas always want credit for some shit they supposed to do. A nigga will brag about some shit a normal man just does. A nigga will say some shit like, "I take care of my kids." You're supposed to, you dumb motherfucker! What kind of ignorant shit is that? "I ain't never been to jail!" What do you want, a cookie?! You're not supposed to go to jail, you low-expectation-having motherfucker! ANALYSIS Chris Rock seemed headed for stardom in the 80s and early 90s--but by 1995, his career had cooled off considerably, after a short, unmemorable stint at SNL, and an uneventful 30 minute HBO special titled Big Ass Jokes. It was then that he began developing some new material that put him back on the map as a stand up comic--all culminating in arguably the most succesful stand up comedy special/album of all time, 1996's Bring The Pain and the related 1997 album Roll with the New. The most memorable part of the routine is a controversial 8 minutes of material known as "Black People Versus Niggas." Richard Pryor - Live on the Sunset Strip 99l 99s 99m 99c Rodney Dangerfield - No Respect ANALYSIS Rodney Dangerfield is one of the few one-liner comedians to have lasting popularity with the general public. 99l 98s WKRP 1.7 - "Turkeys Away" - Bill Dial The Simpsons 5.2 - "Cape Feare" (Die Bart, Die) - Jon Vitti Selma: Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon. Lawyer: How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now? [a few people raise their hands] Lawyer: Be honest... [everyone raises their hand. A man gasps when he notices Patty] Patty: Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up. Lawyer: What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say "DIE BART DIE"? Sideshow Bob: No that's German for "The Bart the" Radio DJ: All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully." [Homer receives a death threat letter written in blood] Homer: Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart. FBI Man #1: Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson, at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi. Homer: Check! FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly] FBI Man #1: Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson. Homer: I gotcha! FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [again Homer stares blankly] [hours pass by] FBI Man #1: Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod. Homer: No problem. [stepping hard on Homer's foot] FBI Man #1: Hello, Mr. Thompson. [Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds] Homer: [whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you. ANALYSIS Primary themes: parody Frasier 2.23 - "The Innkeepers" (Frasier and Niles Buy a Restaurant) - David Lloyd Otto the Waiter: Have you decided what you'd like [to order]? Frasier: Yes. I'd like the whole damn place! Right from the wine cellar to the rafters! Otto: And for the lady? Frasier: (to Chef) We've got a lot of very important clientele out there. Niles: Yes, the Governor's table alone has two state senators and the head of the Immigration Bureau. Chef: Sacre Merde! (The Chef and everyone in the kitchen runs out the back.) Frasier: (to Niles and the rest of the subsititute kitchen staff) All right, stop it! Get a grip! You're not being asked to do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own kitchens in our own homes. Now quick, Niles, kill five eels! Frasier: Niles, how are those eels coming? Niles: I'm just trimming them now. [hacks at the water with a cleaver] Frasier: Oh no, Niles! Take them out of the tank! Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead! [keeps hacking] Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes! (Daphne throws down her wash cloth, marches over to the tank, reaches in, grabs an eel, and, in a wild overhand swing, smashes it against the cook's table. She then hands the eel to a shocked Niles.) ANALYSIS Primary themes: escalating fiasco, I told you so, fish out of water (Frasier, Niles, Raz, and Daphne preparing dishes in a restaurant kitchen) This plays out very much like a classic episode of I Love Lucy of the Honyemooners, and is very heavy on conventional, zany, "sitcomy" elements--but interestingly enough, it's the most popular episode of a show that's known for being sophisticated and intellectual. 98m Monty Python and the Holy Grail 98c Chris Rock - Bigger & Blacker I got an uncle real crazy. My uncle B. 55 years old, hates the white people, married to a white lady. And he sits around going, "You know, these crackers ain't shit. Except for Susie." He tried to explain the whole thing to me. One day he said, "Yeah, yeah. I got a white wife. I love her, she love me. That's all that matters. But I'll tell you this: if the revolution ever come, I'll kill her first! Just to show these crackers I mean business! Motherfucker, cracker-ass, motherfucker cracker! Shit, cracker motherfucker! [To wife:] Hey, hey--hi, honey. [To Chris:] Motherfucker cracker. I'll kill my cracker kids, too!" Farrakhan got everybody together for the Million Man March and everything. But Farrakhan don't like the Jews. Which is bugged. I get my hair cut on Dekalb Avenue. I never been in a barbershop and heard a bunch of brothers talking about Jews. Black people don't hate Jews. Black people hate white people! We don't got time to dice white people up into little groups. I hate everybody! I don't care if you just got here. "Hey, I'm Romanian." "You Romanian cracker!" ANALYSIS Even though Rock's style is very "urban" and part of hip hop culture, he still manages to appeal to a very wide variety of people. 97s The Andy Griffith Show - "Man in a Hurry" Mr. Tucker: You people are living in another world! Andy: Easy, Mr. Tucker. Mr. Tucker: This is the 20th century. Don't you realize that? The whole world is living in a desperate space age. Men are orbiting the earth. International television has been developed. And here, a whole town is standing still because two old women's feet fall asleep! Barney: I wonder what causes that. Mr. Tucker: This is ridiculous! [The Mendlebright sisters are on the phone] Wasting valuable time on drivel--talking about people's feet falling asleep. Andy: It's probably Maude. Barney: Cora, too. I wonder what causes that? Andy: I don't know. Barney: I have that every now and then. Maybe I oughta go see their doctor. Barney: You know what I think I'm gonna do? Andy: What? Barney: I'm gonna go home, have me a little nap and go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV. Andy: Mmm-hmm. Barney: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home, have a nap, then over to Thelma Lou's for TV. Andy: Mmm-hmm. Barney: Yep. That's the plan: right home, a little nap... Mr. Tucker: For the love of Mike, do it, do it--just do it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV. Just do it! Barney: What's the hurry. (gets up to go) I'll see ya, Anj. Opie: Hey, Mr. Tucker. You aren't gonna leave are you? Mr. Tucker: I have to, son. Opie: Aw, rats. If you were staying, I was gonna get to sleep on the ironing board between two chairs. Mr. Tucker: Sounds terrible. Opie: No it ain't. That's adventure sleeping. ANALYSIS Primary theme: fish out of water Ths episode features a charming contrast of quiet, slow moving town life with loud, fast-paced, modern big city life. Friends 5.14 - "The One Where Everybody Finds Out" - Alexa Junge Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, wow that jacket looks great on you! Chandler: Really? Phoebe: (feels his arm) Yeah, the material feels so soft. Hello, Mr. Bicep! Have you been working out? Monica: (to Chandler) Oh man, they think they are so slick messing with us! But, see, they don't know that we know that they know! Phoebe: (to Joey and Rachel) They're trying to mess with us?! They don't know that we know they know we know! Phoebe: So Chandler, I-I'd love to come by tonight. Chandler: Really? Phoebe: Oh absolutely. Shall we say, around seven? Chandler: Yes. Phoebe: Good. I'm really looking forward to you and me having sexual intercourse. ANALYSIS Primary themes: altered person (Phoebe and Chandler, due to play acting), escalating competition A lot of this episode's charm revolves around Monica teaming up with Chandler, Phoebe teaming up with Rachel, and the two groups playing mind games with each other while Joey tries to stay out of it and Ross remains oblivious to everything. The episodes also brings a longstanding story arc (Monica and Chandler's secret, potentially serious relationship) to a fun resolution. Frasier 4.18 - "Ham Radio" (Murder Mystery)- David Lloyd Frasier: (Narrating) Her face was unfamiliar and when she opened her lips I caught a hint of some exotic accent. Roz: Inphector, ow! Phank God you ca'. Frasier: This is a grisly business, Miss Thorndike. Roz: I can't beweive any of my guests cod be a... mopible mupuder. Frasier: (narrating) The maid lay dead, unable to name her killer. Nigel Fairservice lay mortally wounded. Gil: I'm dying! Frasier: (narrating) Poor man was gone. Gil: Never again to visit the scene of my boyhood in Surrey, romping with my school chums in the fens and spinneys... Frasier: (narrating) Just then the lights went out again. [gun sound] Nigel Fairservice was shot again. Gil: Only grazed me. ANALYSIS Primary themes: escalating fiasco, parody/spoof (the new, improvised version of the original radio script), I told you so (Martin and Niles predicting that Frasier will get carried away) I Love Lucy 5.23 - "Lucy's Italian Movie" ANALYSIS Primary themes: escalating fiasco, fish out of water (Lucy working in an Italian winery), physical comedy This is pretty much a ho hum episode, until a climactic scene that culminates in a memorable grape fight 97m Home Alone Back to the Future Modern Times Animal House Dumb & Dumber A Night at the Opera Some Like It Hot 97c Bill Cosby - Himself Woody Allen - Standup Comic Eddie Murphy - Delirious / Comedian Eddie Murphy - Raw I've been a big fan of Bill Cosby all my life. Never met the man before--but he called me up about a year ago, and chastised me on the phone for being too dirty on stage. And it was real weird. 'Cause I had never met him, and he just thought he should call me up, because he was Bill, and tell me about what comedy is all about. And I sat and listened to this man chastise me. And when Bill Cosby chastises you, you forget you grown. You feel like one of the Cosby kids and shit. And I ran in the house, all excited to talk to Bill, and picked up the telephone. And Bill got raw on me. I was like, "Hello, Mr. Cosby?" And you hear, "I would like to talk to you, about some of the things that you do in your show. Now, I'm going to tell you a story." He always tells you stories. "I would like to tell you a story. I have five children. One, two, three, four, five--five, five children. I live in Massachusetts with my wife, Camille, and my five children. Now, of the five children that we have, there are four girls and a boy. The boy's name is Ennis. He loves everything you do. Comes home from school the other day with a big smile on his face. And my son looks just like me. He walks through the door, looking at me with this big smile, and I cannot resist, because it's such a beautiful smile. And he walks up and I say, 'What are you smiling about? Aaaah.' And the child says to me, 'I'm smiling because I need money to go see the Eddie Murphy show. Please give me money for a ticket.' Now, if the child is smiling this way because he needs money for a ticket, I have to give him money for a ticket. I do not handle the money in the house. My wife, Camille, handles the ticket money. So I must go into the kitchen, to where my wife is cooking dinner for the family. And she is inside the kitchen cooking. And she's got a bowl. And she's cooking up the food, man. She's cooking it up. And the child walks in the room with the smile, and he says, 'Mother, please, money.' She gives him the money, he runs off to see your show. Now, we sit in the living room waiting for Ennis to return. At about 5:00 in the morning, the child comes through the door. He has a different look on his face. A look like he heard something at your show that he's never heard before. And I say to my child, I say, 'Child.' I say, 'What did the man say on the stage?' And he says, 'Pop, the man comes out and says these things.' I say, 'Well, what did he say?' He says, 'Pop, he comes out and says some stuff.' I say, 'What did he do? ' He says, 'Pop, he walks out and he goes, 'Hello, suck this, and MF, and kiss my big black stuff, and suck it and stick it down in your mouth, and suck it, suck it.' You cannot say filth, flarn, filth, flarn, filth in front of people." And I say, "I never said no filth, flarn, filth." He says, "You know what I'm talking about. I can't use the type of language that you use, but you know what I mean when I say filth, flarn, flarn, flarn, filth." I say, "I never said 'filth, flarn, filth. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm offended you called. Fuck you." That's when Bill got pissed and--"That's what I'm talking about. You cannot say 'fuck'... in front of people." And I got mad. Because he thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. And I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn't give no curse show. Walk out and say, "Hey, filth flarn, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot, and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye." I was pissed off. I was so mad, I called Richard Pryor's house up and said, "Yo, Richard. Bill Cosby just called me up and told me I was too dirty." And Richard said, "The next time that motherfucker call, tell him I said, 'Suck my dick.' I don't give a fuck. Whatever the fuck make the people laugh, say that shit." He said, "Do the people laugh when you say what you say?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Do you get paid?" I said, "Yes." He said, "Well, tell Bill I said, 'Have a Coke and a smile, and shut the fuck up.' The Jell-O pudding-eating motherfucker." You're looking at the grease and thinking to yourself, "That don't look like no McDonald's." ... You try to put ketchup on it. It mixes with the grease, turning the bread into pink dough. They say, "Where did you get that big welfare green pepper burger?" Black people from New York have this trick we use on white people. It works. Even if you can't fight, you have to act like you can fight, because that gets you out of a lot of fights. It works. If you have some problem.--walk up to a white dude and step on his foot. And he says: "Hey, you got a problem?" You go, "Yeah, motherfucker, I got a problem! I just lost my motherfucking job to a white man, look just like you! So I say I'm gonna step on some feet till I feel I've redeemed myself. You got a problem?" And white guys will go, "Hey, I didn't know about your job." They leave, and the brother be standing there like this: "That was close. I almost got fucked up." Then it looks like 40 white guys fighting 40 black guys [in a dance club]. It was a big race war. Suntan lotion and jheri curl juice are shooting all over. And at the end of the fight, everybody sued me. Everybody claimed I whipped their ass. I'm five ten, I weigh one sixty five. I can't whip a disco's ass by myself. Even people that didn't fight sued me. People that sat around and watched was in court. [White guy's voice:] "No. I didn't actually fight. But I was there watching, and it was a discotheque, and a strobe light fell off the ceiling, creating a weird effect with the mirror, and I saw this, and my eyes were sprained. The eyes. And I need 12 million for my sprained eyes." 96s I Love Lucy 4.17 - "L.A. At Last!" (William Holden) Lucy: Tracking down [celebrities] one by one takes so much time. I wonder if there's any place where they get together in a big herd? Fred: Well, maybe at sundown they all gather at the same watering hole. Lucy: I KISSED BILL HOLDEN!

The Andy Griffith Show 2.11 - "The Pickle Story" The Cosby Show 2.22 "Theo’s Holiday" ANALYSIS Primary themes: altered person (most of the characters, due to play acting), The Honeymooners 1.7 - "Better Living Through TV" (Ralph and Ed Shoot a Commercial) Ralph Kramden: We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose. Ed Norton: Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, "People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car." Ralph Kramden: How did I know they were building a drive-in theater? Ralph Kramden: Look, Alice, please, it's simple arithmetic. We buy something for ten cents, and we sell it for a dollar! It's that simple. Alice Kramden: If it's so simple, Ralph, why didn't the man who had these things in his warehouse sell them and make this big profit? Ralph Kramden: Because he thinks small like you do. He thinks he's got to go from door to door to sell these things. That's where my great idea comes in. I go on television and in five minutes, I can sell the whole 2,000 of them. Look, how long do you think it would take that guy to sell 2,000 of these if he went from door to door? Alice Kramden: About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on. Ralph Kramden: Oh, I'd like to belt you just once! ANALYSIS primary themes: parody (the prepared version of the commercial versus the aired version), escalating fiasco, altered person (Ralph due to nervousness) The Honeymooners 1.18 - "The $99,000 Answer" The Dick Van Dyke Show - "Coast to Coast Big Mouth" 96m Tootsie Ghostbusters Meet the Parents City Lights The Odd Couple It's A Mad Mad Mad Mad World Fast Times at Ridgemont High 96c Steve Martin - Let's Get Small 96l Mr. Bean (Series) 95s Seinfeld 7.6 - "The Soup Nazi" - Spike Feresten GEORGE: Oh, there's a soup stand, Kramer's been going there. JERRY: He's always raving. I finally got a chance to go there the other day, and I tell you this, you will be stunned. ELAINE: Stunned by soup? JERRY: You can't eat this soup standing up, your knees buckle. ELAINE: Huh. All right. Come on. JERRY: There's only one caveat. The guy who runs the place is a little temperamental--especially about the ordering procedure. He's secretly referred to as the Soup Nazi. ELAINE: Why? What happens if you don't order right? JERRY: He yells and you don't get your soup. GEORGE: I didn't get any bread. JERRY: Just forget it. Let it go. GEORGE: (to Soup Nazi) Um, excuse me, I--I think you forgot my bread. SOUP NAZI: Bread--$2 extra. GEORGE: $2? But everyone in front of me got free bread. SOUP NAZI: You want bread? GEORGE: Yes, please. SOUP NAZI: $3! GEORGE: What? SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! GEORGE: All right. Shh! I gotta focus. I'm shifting into soup mode. ELAINE: Has anyone ever told you you look exactly like Al Pacino? You know. Scent Of A Woman. "Who-ah! Who-ah!" SOUP NAZI: Very good. Very good. ELAINE: Well, I -- SOUP NAZI: You know something? ELAINE: Hmmm? SOUP NAZI: No soup for you! ELAINE: What? SOUP NAZI: Come back one year! Next! SOUP NAZI: Hey, what is this? You're kissing in my line? Nobody kisses in my line! SHEILA: I can kiss anywhere I want to. SOUP NAZI: You just cost yourself a soup! SHEILA: How dare you? Come on, Jerry, we're leaving. ... Jerry? JERRY: Do I know you? ELAINE: So essentially, you chose soup over a woman? JERRY: It was a bisque. ELAINE: Yeah. You know what I just realized? Suddenly, George has become much more normal than you. JERRY: Really? ELAINE: Yeah. Come on. I mean, think about it. He's engaged to be married. Your top priority is soup. GEORGE: Were you just talking about me? What's going on? JERRY: Absolutely not. GEORGE: Something's going on here. NEWMAN: [inhaling deeply] Jambalaya! CUSTOMER: Gazpacho, por favor. SOUP NAZI: Por favor? CUSTOMER: Um, I'm part Spanish. SOUP NAZI: Adios muchacho! SHEILA: Well, it was very insulting. JERRY: No. I know. I--I was really sort of half-kidding. SHEILA: Well, behind every joke there's some truth. JERRY: What about that Bavarian cream pie joke I told you? There's no truth to that. Nobody with a terminal illness goes from the United States to Europe for a piece of Bavarian cream pie, and then when they get there and they don't have it he says, "Aw, I'll just have some coffee." There's no truth to that. SHEILA: Well, I guess you're right. JERRY: So, am I forgiven, shmoopy? SHEILA: Yes, shmoopy. ANALYSIS Primary themes: object (soup), This episode's humor revolves around the various "relationships" that the sitcom's characters have with the so-called "Soup Nazi." George struggles to follow the correct ordering procedure at the Soup Nazi's restaurant, Jerry shows that he has more allegiance to the Soup Nazi than he does to the girlfriend he's supposedy so fond of, Elaine's free, unfiltered nature offends the Soup Nazi, Kramer's eccentric personality happens to have some sort of bizarre harmony with the Soup Nazi's eccentric personality, and Newman is the faithful, professional Soup Nazi customer who is giddy after getting some soup. 95m Dr. Strangelove The Gold Rush Trading Places Annie Hall Beverly Hills Cop 2 Ferris Bueller's Day Off Vacation Coming to America 95c Larry the Cable Guy - Lord I Apologize Larry the Cable Guy - The Right to Bare Arms Jeff Foxworthy - You Might Be a Redneck If... My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic." Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now." 95l Your Show of Shows - "This is Your Story, Al Duncey" 94s I Love Lucy 2.15 - "Lucy is Enceinte" (Lucy is Pregnant) I Love Lucy 1.29 - "The Freezer" Lucy: Oh, hey, are you sure that's all for us? Delivery Man: Lady, this is only the beginning. Lucy: Oh, there must be a mistake. Oh, that isn't a side of beef. That must be a side of elephant. Ethel: Lucy, what have we got ourselves into? Lucy: Well, what's all this going to cost, Ethel? Ehtle: We're getting 700 pounds of meat! At 69 cents a pound, that's $483. Delivery Man: Look, ladies, even if you defrosted it, pasted it together and taught it to walk, I couldn't take it back! Lucy: (to Customer) Psst! Psst! Come here. Are you tired of paying high prices? Are you interested in a little high-class beef? Do you want a bargain? Tell you what I'm gonna do. Step up a little closer I don't want to block the traffic. Now, you look like a smart dame. What'll it be? I got sirloin, tenderloin T-bone, rump, pot roast, chuck roast, oxtail stump. Lucy: Get away from me, kid, you bother me. Lucy: Tell you what I'm gonna do: any cut you want, 79 cents a pound. Customer 2: But how can you afford to sell it so cheap? Lucy: I'm glad you asked that, lady. This is all made possible because we do everything ourselves. We rope, we brand, we butcher, we market. We do everything but eat it for you. Lucy: Yeah. Now we just got to explain all this meat to Ricky and Fred. Ethel: Yeah. Lucy: You don't suppose they'd believe that a cow wandered in there and fell apart? Ethel: Ricky, I think you sing better than anybody in the whole world. Would you sing for me? Ricky: Sing? Now? Ethel: Yeah, now. Fred: What's the matter with you? Are you losing your mind? Come on, we've got a freezer down there and a lot of meat to put in it. Now let's go right now. Ricky: Wait, wait a minute, Fred. Wait a minute. If Ethel wants to hear me sing that bad, I gee, I wouldn't want to deprive her of the pleasure of it. Seinfeld 5.14 - "The Marine Biologist" - Larry Charles, Bruce Kirschbaum George: I'm such a huge whale fan. These marine biologists [on TV] were showing how they communicate with each other with these squeaks and squeals. What a fish! Jerry: It's a mammal. George: Whatever. Diane: I got the [college] Alumni magazine. You know, what ever happened to your friend George? I never see him in there. Jerry: Well he's kind of modest. Diane: He was always such a goof-off. I mean, did he ever get anywhere? Jerry: Sure. Diane: Yeah? What field? Jerry: Marine biology. Diane: George is a marine biologist?! Jerry: A pretty damn good one, too! Diane: I can't believe it. I mean, I would never had thought.. Jerry: Yeah. He's specializing in whales. He's working on lowering the cholesterol level in whales. All that blubber--quite unhealthy. You know, it's the largest mammal on earth--but as George says, "They don't have to be." Jerry: She asked about you. George: She did?! What did she say? Jerry: "How's George?" George: George! She said George? She remembered my name. Diane DeConn remembered my name. She was the "it" girl! Jerry: Yeah. She asked for your number. I think she's gonna get in touch with you. George: OK. I'm telling you right now, if you're kidding around, I'm not gonna be able to be friends with you anymore. I'm serious about that. You got that? Jerry: I got no problem with that. George: Good. 'Cause if this is a lie, if this is a joke, if this is your idea of some cute little game--we're finished! Jerry: Expect a call. George: Oh my god--he's not kidding. Jerry: Now, I should tell you at this point, she's under the impression the you are a... George: A what? Jerry: A marine biologist. George: A marine biologist. Why am I a marine biologist? Jerry: I may have mentioned it. George: But I'm not a marine biologist. George: Why couldn't you have made me an architect? You know I always wanted to pretend that I was an architect. Diane: What's going on over here? Woman at beach: There is a beached whale, she's dying. Voice: Is anyone here a marine biologist? George: So I started to walk into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things--but I tell you Jerry, at that moment I was a marine biologist! ... The sea was angry that day my friends--like an old man trying to return soup at a deli! I got about fifty-feet out, and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell you, he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence, he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling, I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing, I could see directly into the eye of the great fish! Jerry: Mammal. George: Whatever. Kramer: Well, what did you do next? George: Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted, tossed like a cork, and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me--but I knew something was there, so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction! (George takes a golf ball out of his pocket) Kramer: What is that--a Titleist? A hole in one, eh? 94m When Harry Met Sally... - Nora Ephron Harry: I'll have a number three. Sally: I'd like the chef salad please with the oil and vinegar on the side and the apple pie a la mode. Waitress: Chef and apple a la mode. Sally: But I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top; I want it on the side. And I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it. If not then no ice cream, just whipped cream--but only if it's real. If it's out of a can, then nothing. Waitress: Not even the pie? Sally: No, just the pie, but then not heated. Harry: You're high maintenance but you think you're low maintenance. Sally: I don't see that. Harry: You don't see that? Waiter, I'll begin with a house salad, but I don't want the regular dressing. I'll have the Balsamic vinegar and oil, but on the side. And then the Salmon with the mustard sauce, but I want the mustard sauce, on the side. On the side is a very big thing for you. Harry: I asked her [my date] where she went to school and she said. "Michigan State", and this reminds me of [my ex-wife] Helen. All of a sudden I'm in the middle of this mess of an anxiety attack, my heart is beating like a wild man and I start sweating like a pig. Sally: Helen went to Michigan State? Harry: No she went to Northwestern, but they're both big-ten schools. I got so upset I had to leave the restaurant. Sally: Harry I think this takes a long time. It might be months before we're actually able to enjoy going out with someone new. Harry: Yeah... Sally: And may be longer, before we're actually able to go to bed with someone new. Harry: Oh I went to bed with her. Sally: You went to bed with her? Harry: Sure. Sally: Oh. (Harry and Sally at a diner) Sally: So what do you do with these women, you just get up out of bed and leave? Harry: Sure. Sally: Well explain to me how you do it. What do you say? Harry: You'd say you have an early meeting, early haircut or a squash game. Sally: You don't play squash. Harry: They don't know that. They just met me. Sally: That's disgusting. Harry: I know, I feel terrible. Sally: You know I'm so glad I never got involved with you. I just would've ended up being some woman you had to get up out of bed and leave at three o'clock in the morning and clean your andirons, and you don't even have a fireplace. Not that I would noticed. Harry: Why are you getting so upset? This is not about you. Sally: Yes it is. You are a human affront to all women--and I am a woman. Harry: Hey, I don't feel great about this, but I don't hear anyone complaining. Sally: Of course not. You're out of the door too fast. Harry: I think they have an OK time. Sally: How do you know? Harry: What do you mean how do I know? I know. Sally: Because they... Harry: Yes, because they... Sally: And how do you know that they really... Harry: What are you saying--that they fake orgasm? Sally: It's possible. Harry: Get outta here! Sally: Why? Most women at one time or another have faked it. Harry: Well they haven't faked it with me. Sally: How do you know? Harry: Because I know. Sally: Oh, right. That's right. I forgot. You're a man. Harry: What is that supposed to mean? Sally: Nothing. It's just that all men are sure it never happened to them, and that most women at one time or another have done it--so you do the math. Harry: You don't think that I could tell the difference? Sally: No. Harry: Get outta here. Sally: Ooo...Oh...Ooo... Harry: Are you OK? Sally: Oh...Oh god...Ooo Oh God...Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh God... Oh yeah right there Oh! Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Yes Yes Yes....Oh...Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes...Oh...Oh... Oh... Oh God Oh... Oh... Huh... Lady from another table: (to Waiter) I'll have what she's having. 94c Kevin Hart - I'm a Grown Little Man
Women, you want every guy to fight for you. That's not me. I'm not a fighter. I won't say that I am. I will never pretend to be. That's not who I am. let's say me and you go to the movies. All right, we're at the movies. We're having a good time. Out of nowhere, some guy come up and smack you in the face real hard. And if you with me, then you just got smacked. That's ething that just-- I'm being honest, all right? I'm not going to do nothing about it. Now, we can talk about it when we get in the car. Let's figure out why it happened and see what we can do to prevent it from happening again. But as far as me, like, just going and doing something about it, I'm not going TO [bleep] DO IT, BECAUSE If he didn't care about your face, I know he don't give A [bleep] ABOUT MINE. That's common sense. Two black eyes ain't going to get us home. Somebody got to drive. That's what I'm good at. "I'm a witness; I saw everything. When he hit you, I got behind the vending machine, 'cause I didn't want him to know that we were together. It's none of his business who I'm with. I can't believe he kicked you when you fell. That's where I got upset, 'cause you gave up. You didn't want to fight no more. Why would he put his boot to your face? That's just disgusting to me." You got to know who you are as an individual. If you're not a fighter, understand that you're not a fighter. I know I'm not a fighter. That's why I carry a whistle. I blow that fucking whistle in somebody's face. Fuck with me is you want to. You gonna win the fight--but you ain't gonna hear shit tomorrow, bitch. I wish I could be a rapper or some shit. I really do. You know why I can't be a rapper, though, man? 'Cause my voice ain't deep enough. To be a rapper, you need a deep voice. That's the only way people are gonna want to listen to you on a regular basis. I don't think nobody would buy my album, 'cause my voice is too small. [in effeminate voice] "YEAH, Bitch, I'm a killer. I'll shoot you in your face. Pshew, pshew! Everybody gonna die. Pshew, pshew!' [Listener:] 'Did he just say pshew, pshew? I'm not buying that shit.'" You honestly want to know why I stopped going to the gym, though? I saw one of them real strong guys. You ever see them real big dudes, real huge, no neck, just being in the gym, working out? I saw him one day, and I just got mad. I was like, Ddude, why are you still here? That's it--you won. You got 'em all." Like, y'all don't understand how mad that makes me when you're that big for no reason. Like, if you're going to get that big, there's got to be a reason. You know what I'm saying? Like, when I ask you why you're working out, you should tell me, " "i'm about to enter a strongman competition." Something. There's got to be a fucking reason. But when you're that big and you work for T-Mobile and you answer the phones--you're too strong, [beep]. You can't even handle the headset. "Hello? [grunting] [grunting]. You start moving shit around the office, 'cause-- [roars] [talking unintelligibly] Sit your strong, unproductive ass down, man. STRONG -shit WITH A HEADSET. They done went through 15 headsets this month, 'cause your hand's too fucking strong. "Boss, another one! That's five today, boss. Take 'em out of my check." I was trying to work my legs the other day, and you know the leg machine that goes like this, like, you sit on. 'Ah, ah!' You know what I'm talking about? And it was reclined down--like, it was all flat on one level. So I thought it was arms. So I said, "okay, " My face was burning and everything. I said, like, 'I'm doing something right,' you know? So I got up, and then when I got up, some guy came, sat down right where my face was. " I tried to tell him. I was like, "hey, you're doing that wrong. " " so that's why my face was burning? 'Cause I've been smelling people's balls all goddamn-- I was so pissed off, 'cause I did three sets. He watched me do three sets. He just stood by the machine. "There you go. There you go. That's it. Pull it up! " smack you on the ass and everything. "Come on, now! It's your last set. " I'm at the point in my relationship where I'm afraid for my wife to hear me have fun. I be trying to shut fun down. Like, when she not around and she call me, I get mad at my friends. "Shut the fuck up. Everybody, shut up! Look, put your seat belts on. Buckle up. Put your seat belt on! I don't know where she is. Look safe! Go straight ahead until we figure this out. " You want to know how you win every single argument? Be loud. That's all you got to do. Women can't handle that. Women can't handle when a man's voice gets past a certain level. They break down. They don't know what to do. I been caught. Just mean what you say, and after you say it, walk out. You can't stick around. If you stick around, you give them a chance to come back and confuse you. Say your point, get the fuck out of the room. Fo. "Kevin, I saw you. I saw you, kevin. I saw the bitch in your car. You gonna tell me I didn't see you? " "man, shut up! SHUT THE -shit UP, MAN! Every time I come in the house, you got the microwave on high! -shit YOU!" Walk out, bam. [laughs] You can't give her no chance. She just gonna be standing there like, "what--i-- I thought he liked it when I used the microwave. I don't understand him or what he wants from me anymore. I DON'T UNDERSTAND." I had one girl that had one of those laughs that make you stop laughing. You ever meet somebody like that, with a laugh that's so bad that you got to stop having a good time? 'Cause it wasn't a laugh; it was like a snicker/snort. She did it at everything, stuff that wasn't even funny. Like, we was going to the movies. I'm like, "you know what, babe? It's a long line. I'm gonna go park the car. " she's like, "all right. " [snorts] And I didn't know what it was at first, so I didn't say nothing. I still had the car on. I was like, "the car shouldn't sound like this, 'cause it's a new car. You know what I mean? I just got this car. I better not have " I was like, "hey, look. When you get out of line, go get some popcorn " she's like, "oh, my god, " [snorts] And I was like, "okay, that was you that time. I saw you, because, you know, I made eye contact. I don't like that. That's nasty, 'cause it sound like you swallowing snot " but then it dawned on me where she got it from, 'cause I met her dad earlier that day. Her dad had one of those laughs--i call it the rich white guy laugh. You know what that is? It's a laugh that's followed by an awful joke. The joke doesn't make you laugh, but the laugh eventually makes you laugh. He found out that I was a comedian. He kept trying to tell me jokes. He's like, "Oh. So, uh, you're a comic, right? Okay. Uh. ll right, all right, all right, listen. I got a joke for you. You can keep it, if you want. I don't mind. Um. All right, all right. All right, you ready? All right. okay. All right, this is crazy, it's so good. All right. So I'm at the office. I'm at the office. I tell this guy--I said to him--wait, what did I say? Wait a minute. All right, all right. All right, I got it. Okay, all right. So I'm at the office, right? I'm at the office. And I tell this guy--I said to him, I said, 'hey, pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anything. (laughs) I didn't want to laugh, but he kept looking right at me while he was doing it. "(lauggs)" Here's the weird thing. Like, you know how people clap when they laugh? ("calps and laughs) He had a clap that he would do with his laugh, but I never knew when it was coming. I couldn't time it. You know how sometimes you can time a clap? I didn't know when the clap was coming, so it was hard for me to participate in the clap with him, 'cause it took too long, right? But he was still looking at me the whole time. He's was like, "(laughs, pauses, and claps)" What the fuck? That was, like, 57 seconds right there. I can't wait 57 seconds. You know why you shouldn't double-date? 'Cause you compete with the other couple. You don't even know you're competing. I'm telling you; you compete. I'll show you right now. If I'm wrong, tell me I'm wrong, okay? Let's say you lean over, you give your girl a kiss, real innocent. " first thing she gonna do is look at him. She'll be like, "mm, " now you're competing. Now the only way you can win is to fuck her titty righ here. George Carlin - Class Clown George Carlin - FM & AM George Carlin: Jammin’ in New York Lenny Bruce - The Carnegie Hall Concert Richard Pryor - Live in Concert / Wanted! Richard Pryor Live in Concert Jerry Seinfeld - Stand Up Act 1980-1998 So what's with the cab drivers and the B.O.? How long are these shifts? Do they ever stop, or do they just get in the cab and just drive till they're dead? The funny thing about being in these cabs is that when you're in Manhattan, for some reason you don't get scared, no matter how fast the guy goes. "Well, you know, he's driving fast and recklessly. But he's a professional." Then you get on the plane. The pilot of course always has to come on the PA system. This guy is so excited about being a pilot, he can't even stand himself. "Well, I'm gonna take it up to about 20,000. Then I'm gonna make a left by Pittsburg. Then I'm gonna make a right by Chicago. And then I'm gonna bring it down to 15,000." He's giving the whole route, all his moves. We're in the back going: "Yeah, fine. You know, just do whatever the hell you gotta do. I don't know. Just end up where it says on the ticket, really." Do I bother him with what I'm doing? Knocking on the cockpit door: "I'm having the peanuts now. Yeah, that's what we're doing back here. I thought I'd keep you posted. I'm not gonna have them all now, I'm just gonna have a few. I don't wanna finish it because it's such a big bag." Then she's gotta close that first class curtain, you know. Before it takes off. And they always give you that little look. too. "Maybe if you'd worked a little harder, I wouldn't have to do this." I just can't drive around there [in Florida]. You know how these old people drive. They drive slow, they sit low. That is their motto. The state flag of Florida should be just a steering wheel with a hat and two knuckles on it. And they left that turn signal on since they left the house that morning. That's a legal turn in Florida. It's known as an eventual left. You can signal this week, turn any following year of your life. What is the age that old people reach where they decide when they back out of the driveway, they're not looking any more? Do you know how they do that? They just go. "Well, I'm old, and I'm coming back! I've survived, let's see if you can." I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. Ever had milk the day after the [expiration] day? Scares the hell outta you, doesn't it? The spoon is trembling as it comes out of the bowl. "It's after the day, I don't know what the hell I'm doing here! I don't know why I'm doing this! I smelled it, you smelled it, what is it supposed to smell like?" Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. First ten years of my life, I think the only clear thought I had was: "GET CANDY!" That was it. Family, friends, school, they were just obstacles in they way of the candy. I'm out for the candy here. ... So the first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you're a kid, remember the first time you even heard about it, it's like your brain can't even process the information. You're like: "What is this? What did you say? What did you say about giving out candy? Who's giving out candy? Everyone that we know is just giving out candy? Are you kidding me? When is this happening? Where? Why? Take me with you! I gotta be a part of this. I'll do anything that they want. ... I can wear that." Of course, my mother makes me wear my winter coat over the [Halloween] costume anyway! I don't recall Superman wearing a jacket. Not like I had: cheap __quarteroid__, phony fur. "Boy, I'm Superman but it's a little chilly out and I'm glad I have this cheap little 10 year old kids jacket." Remember those last few Halloweens, getting a little too old for it. Just kind of going through the motions. "Bing Bong." "Come on lady, let's go. Halloween, doorbells, candy--let's pick up the pace in there." They come at the door, they always ask you those same stupid questions: "What are you supposed to be?" "I'm supposed to be done by now, you wanna move it along with the Three Musketeers? I got 18 houses on this block alone. You just hit the bag, we hit the road, that's the routine, let's just pick it up." Sometimes they gave you that little white bag twisted on the top. You know that's gonna be some crap candy. Doesn't have the official Halloween markings on it. "Hold it, lady. Wait a second. What is this? The orange marshmallow shaped like a peanut? Do me a favor, you keep that one." That's a kid thing--"Wait up." Kids don't want other kids to wait, they must "wait up." "Would you wait up?" Because when you're little, life is up. You're growing up. Everything is up. "Wait up, hold up, shut up! Ma, I'm all cleaned up! Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, it's just the opposite. "Just calm down! Slow down! Come down here, sit down, put that down! You are grounded! Keep it down in there!" The worst dates are often the result of the fix-up. Why do we fix people up? Because you think they'll have a good time? Who the hell are you? I was best man at a wedding, one time, that was pretty good. I thought it was a little too much in the title, there. "Best man." I think we ought to have the groom, and a pretty good man. I mean, if I'm the best man, why is she marrying him? And I know women are curious about men. Women wanna know what men are thinking. I know women are looking at me, right know. And you're wondering "I wonder what goes on in that little brain of his." I could tell you the truth, if you would like to know what men are really thinking. Would you like to know? I will tell you. Nothing. We're not thinking anything. We're just walking around, looking around. This is the only natural inclination of men. We like women. We want women. But that's pretty much as far as we've thought. That's why we're honking car horns, yelling from construction sites, these are the best ideas we've had so far. We're working on some new programs, but it's not easy when your mind's a blank. Honking the car horn, to me, that's the lowest level. This is the last living brain cell, comes up with this one. What is this? He's in the car, she's on the street, "bip bip brrrrrrr...." What does he think, "well, I guess I made my point." What is she supposed to do, kick off the heels, start running after the car. Grab on to the bumper. Why are men rude, obnoxious, getting drunk, screaming out, peeling out rubber, making kissing noises, why? Why? Telling awful jokes, why do men behave so badly? I know what you ladies are thinking, "no no, not my guy, I'm working with him, he's coming along." No he's not. He's tricking you. Men are not developing. We're not improving. We men know, no matter how poorly we behave, it seems we somehow end up with women anyway. Look around this room, look at all the men you see, beautiful women, men are with them, do you think these are special men? Gifted, highly unusual, one-of-a-kind men? These are the same jerks and idiots that I'm talking about. They're doing fine. Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group, working anywhere in the world, today. Wherever women are, we have men looking into the situation, right now. We explored the Earth looking for women. Even went to the Moon, just to see if there was any woman there. That's why we brought that little car, why would you bring a car, unless there's some chance of going on a date? What the hell are you doing with the car on the God-damn Moon? I never was able to figure that out. You're on the Moon! Isn't that far enough? There was no more male idea in the history of the Universe, than "why don't we fly up to the Moon and drive around?" That is the essence of male thinking right there. All men think of themselves as kind of low-level superheroes in their own environment. When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman, these aren't fantasies. These are options. This is the way men really look at their own lives. I'm not even supposed to be telling you this. I'll give you a perfect example of what I'm talking about. Did you ever see a guy moving a mattress tied to the roof of his car? He's out on the highway with this thing. He's always got the arm out the window, holding the mattress too, right? Whatever he's rigged up there, he's always helping along with the arm. This is classic male idiot superhero thinking. This moron actually believes that if the wind catches this huge rectangle at 70 miles an hour, "I got it, I got it. Don't worry about it. I'm using my arm!" I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people. They're hanging in there with the chopsticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks. I'm impressed by that. I don't know how they missed it. A Chinese farmer, gets up, works in the field with the shovel all day. Shovel. Spoon. Come on. There it is. You're not ploughing 40 acres with a couple of pool cues. I watch these infomercials late at night. If it gets late enough the products start to look good to me. I have actually found myself sitting there thinking, "I don't think I have a knife that can cut through the shoe. I don't think any of my knives are good enough to cut through shoes. I'm gonna get this knife and cut my shoes off. That seems pretty good." There is nothing about my life that I could tell you, that is more embarrassing than the fact that I have actually spoken the words, "I would like to order the Ginsu knife." So feeble, the things we come up with, to foil crooks. Like the "wanted" posters at the post office. You're there, you got your package, you're trying to mail something, this guy is wanted in 12 states. "Yeah. Now what? Okay." You know, I check the guy standing in line behind me--if it's not him, that's pretty much all I can do. Why don't they just hold on to this guy when they're taking his picture?! Then they tell you about the pain relieving ingredient. There's always gotta be a lotta that. Nobody wants anything less than 'extra-strength'. 'Extra-strength' is the absolute minimum. You can even get 'strength'. 'Strength' is out now. It's all 'extra-strength'. Some people are not satisfied with 'extra', they want 'maximum'. "Give me the 'maximum-strength' Give me the maximum allowable human dosage. Figure out what will kill me and then back it off a little bit." They know we don't know [what the ingredients are]! They make up words, they always tell us on TV, "Now, with an extra drop of retsin!" Like we're all going "Well finally, we're getting some more retsin!" Why does that pharmacist have to be two and a half feet higher than everybody else? Who the hell is this guy? "Clear out, everybody. I'm working with pills up here. I'm taking them from this big bottle and then I'm gonna put them in the little bottle. That's my whole job. I can't be down on the floor with you people." And you sit there pn the doctor's waiting room], you pretend you're reading your little magazine. You're actually looking at the other people. "I wonder what he's got. ... That guy is a goner." Doctors always want you to take your pants off. "Take your pants off and get in there! I'll speak to you with no pants. You take your pants off and then I'll tell you what I think about everything. I speak to no one wearing pants." As far as baseball goes, I prefer the fat umpires. I feel if you're on the field and you're not in the game, you should be in the worst physical condition a human being could possibly be in. They should be allowed to eat during the game. I don't even think the horses know that they're racing. Do they? I mean, are they walking back to the stable afterwards, going "I was third", "I was fifth", "I was ninth"? "You cut me off, watch that. I'll kick your ass next time." I think more likely, they're thinking, (singing) "oat bag, I get my oat bag now. Oat bag time for me." I mean, I'm sure the horses have some idea that the jockey is in a hurry. I mean, he's on him, he's urging him, he's hitting him, "come on, come on", you know, so, "this is important that I get somewhere for this guy, quick", but they must get to the end and go (breathing deeply) "we were just here, what was the point of that?! This is where we were! That was the longest possible route you could take to get where you wanted to be! Why don't we just stay here, we would've been first!" I'll tell you one thing the horses definitely do not know. They do not know if you should accidentally trip and break your leg at any point during the race, we're gonna blow your brains out. I think they're missing that little tidbit of information. If they knew that, you'd see some mighty careful stepping coming down that home stretch. 'Easy, fellas, easy. You win, I'll place, whatever it is. It's all the same oat bag, fellas. The important thing is your health.'" I've tried horseback riding, I can't really do that. And... they don't really give you the good horses... when you're not good at it. I found that out. The guy says "what level of rider would you say that you are?." I go "I don't know, zero, nothing, whatever the system is. I can't do it, is that clear enough for you? I'm going where the horse wants to go, okay? That's my level!" Of course, they hear that, they start looking around, "alright, is Glue-Stick back yet? How about Almost-Dead, why don't you saddle him up?" So I get on this U-shaped lightning-quick steed I got here. I had the only horse you could put your feet flat on the ground while you're riding him. I'm riding the Hammock, here. Looking up at my friends, "I don't feel like we all got the same kind of horse." It was kind of a secure feeling, I could just kind of walk along with them, there, you know. And the horse isn't to thrilled with having me, either. The horse knows, they may be dumb, but they know you can't ride. And they don't like it. They just stop, you know, and they look up at you, with that frightening horsy face, you know, with those huge nostrils, and that big bowling ball eye. "Chill out, hop-along, I know the trail. Yeah, I'm here every God-damn day, okay? And I really appreciate the kicking while I'm taking a leak, too. Yeah, thanks a lot, that really improves the already wonderful life that I have. People either are sitting on me or kicking me while I'm peeing. I've got a really sweet gig here at the ranch." To me the toughest part of the horses' life is the horse trailer. I don't know who designed that. Is that the best way to move a horse out on the highway? Is that what we all need to see, their huge, fat, disgusting asses? Right in my face? Is it good for the horses? They're probably standing in the back going "do you feel a draft, Bill? I can't see anything back there, but it's awfully breezy, isn't it? You don't think our huge fat asses are hanging out the back of this truck, do you? Why the hell would they do that to us? They already ride us around and kick us while we're peeing. What's the point of sticking our ass out of the truck?" Well, I'm getting down to that little sliver of soap in my shower again. I'm going to have to make a decision pretty soon. Throw it out or try to do that Vulcan mind-meld to the next bar. If you do that with every bar, how much free soap does that come out to be at the end of your life? Does it really add up? Do you one day look around and discover you're hundreds of bars ahead of everybody else? Do you need a breast pocket on your pajamas? You put a pen in there, you roll over in the middle of the night, you kill yourself. And why the little plastic bag with the extra buttons in the suit-jacket pocket? What kind of a sicko would save these, keep thousands of them in a huge file so he'll always be prepared? Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, "I refused to put any thought into this at all." And where are these people working that the papers are just blowing right off of their desks anyway? Is their office screwed to the back of a flatbed truck going down the highway or something? Why do people who work in offices have pictures of their family on their desk facing them? Do they forget that they're married? Do they say to themselves, "All right. Five o'clock. Time to hit the bars and pick up some hookers. Hold it a second, look at this picture. I got a wife and three kids. I completely forgot! I better get home." There are many different jobs for cops these days. It seems to me that Chalk Outline Guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. It's not too dangerous, the criminals are long gone—that seems like a good one. I don't know who these guys are. I guess they're people who wanted to be sketch artists but they couldn't draw too well. "Uh, listen Johnson, forget the sketches, do you think if we left the dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?" I don't even know how that helps them solve the crime. They look at the thing on the ground, "Oh, his arm was like that when he hit the pavement, that means the killer must have been . . . Jim." I consider myself a master life efficiency expert. For example, when I'm making my bed and I tuck in one side of the sheet, I stay bent over as I walk to tuck in the other side. Why stand up and then bend again? It's a waste of life. The worst part about a car breaking down, is when you’re out on the road, you’re a guy. Because now you have to get out and pretend like you know what you’re doing. You gotta go, “All right, honey, I’m gonna go check it out.” Walk around the front, open up the hood. That’s good, ‘cause it obscures her view. That’s the main reason you want to do that. You’re looking in there, and you’re hoping you’re going to see something in there so simple, so obvious, so incredibly easy to fix, even you can handle it. Like a giant on/off switch turned off. Every night on TV we watch people going there. Whenever they're hauling in some criminal terrorist, psycho, mass-murderer guy, you notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, a jacket, a hat. What is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? Is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, "Isn't that Johnson from sales? He was up in that clock tower picking people off one-by-one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection." On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags. This, to me, is the lowest activity in human life. Following a dog with a little scooper. Waiting for him to go so you can walk down the street with it in your bag. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge? Have you ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy in there that looks just like me." Andy Griffith - The Wit and Wisdom of Andy Griffith Dane Cook - Retaliation Bob Newhart - Button Down Mind of Bob Newhart Kevin Hart - Seriously Funny Jim Gaffigan - Beyond the Pale Denis Leary - No Cure for Cancer 94l 93s The Pil Silvers Show - "The Court-Martial" Bilko: Sir, you’ve got to stop the line. It’s an emergency COLONEL: Stop the line? Just when we’re on the verge of setting a record in inducting three hundred and nine men into the Army? In under two hours? BILKO: Three hundred and eight men, Sir. COLONEL: Three hundred and eight? Men? BILKO: Yes, one is a monkey. COLONEL: A monkey? BILKO: Yes Sir, it’s an emergency. Please listen to me. COLONEL: Bilko, is this one of your jokes? BILKO: I was never more serious. He’s even got a name, Private Harry Speakup. CAPTAIN ARNOLD: They have records of 309 men. If we can produce only 308 they’ll start inquiring what happened to Private Speakup. GENERAL: We have to move fast. Throw him out for having subnormal intelligence. (The officers look at each other) GENERAL: Well, what’s wrong? COLONEL: He was the third highest in the group. GENERAL: Third highest? BILKO: Ha ha, he’s a bright little monkey. The Dick Van Dyke Show 4.27 - "Never Bathe on Saturday" LAURA (from inside): Darling. Can’t you open the [bathroom] door? ROB: It’s locked, honey. If you want me, you’ll have to get out of the tub. LAURA: I can’t. ROB: Why can’t you? LAURA: Because I’m stuck. ROB: Stuck? (Laughing) How could you be stuck in a bathtub? LAURA: Well, darling--if you come in I’ll show you. Three's Company 6.25 - "Up in the Air" altered personality (Jack - drugs and alcohol)

Everybody Loves Raymond 6.16 - "Lucky Suit" - Tucker Cawley Everybody Loves Raymond 7.22 - Baggage (The Suitcase)- Tucker Cawley Ray: Remember when Debra and I went to Connecticut for the weekend? Robert: Sure, Raymond. I remember every one of your comings and goings. You're my whole life. Ray: We eat, we sleep, we watch TV, play with the kids. Everything's fine. But the one who moves that suitcase will not be me. Debra: Watch it, boys. Watch the suitcase. Frank: Deb should know how you feel. I'm a great believer in letting people know what's going on in here. Ray or Robert: Yeah, and every other part of your body. Frank: If you move that suitcase, you might as well put on a dress and change your name to Daisy Mae Tinklepants. Frank: I know all about the suitcase. Debra: What do you mean? Frank: I know about your little Mexican standoff. Debra: Okay, now let me tell you something. If I'm the one that has to do the laundry, why should I be the one to drag that thing upstairs, huh? Isn't the man supposed to carry stuff? Isn't that the "manly" thing to do, huh? Ray is putting food in a plastic bag filled with clothing. Debra: What are you doing? Ray: What? Just packing a soda for the road. Debra: What are you, a hobo? Marie: I was just on my way to the market, and I was (smells somthing bad)--Debra, are you cooking something? Marie: Eww! Debra, you can't keep cheese in a suitcase. Debra: Ray doesn't get to win because of this. If smells bothered me, I would've left him a long time ago. Marie: Don't let a suitcase filled with cheese be your big fork and spoon. Everybody Loves Raymond 7.9 - "She's the One" - Ray Romano & Philip Rosenthal Marie: (to Angela) I'm Marie. Are you a single friend of Robert's? Ray: (to Debra and Robert) She's not the one. Ray: I saw something that I have to tell you, because you have to know, because I saw it. Ray: She ate a fly. Robert walks in looking wet. Ray: What, is it raining? Robert: No, Raymond. I'm a pearl diver. Ray: What happened, Robert? Did she eat another one? Robert: I finally meet a girl who has absolutely everything I ever wanted, she's the Frog Woman of Massapequa. Robert: I had to go out the window. Ray: Did she try to stop you with her tongue? Marie: A woman ate a fly? Nobody believes your stories, Robbie. Just say it. Frank: No! Marie: I'm a gay. Robert: What? Marie: You'll feel better. "Hello, I'm queer, and now I'm here!" Robert: Listen, Ma. I would love nothing more than to tell you I'm gay. ANALYSIS It's interesting how a lot of great sitcom episodes are centered around outsiders responding to a regular character's outrageous behavior, while some, like this one, do pretty much the opposite, and have the show's regular characters respond to a guest character's outrageous behavior. The Simpsons 4.12 - "Marge vs. the Monorail" The Simpsons 4.17 - "Last Exit to Springfield" - Wallace Wolodarsky and Jay Kogen LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack. CARL Bullseye! HOMER Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. LENNY'S VOICE Dental Plan! MARGE Lisa needs braces. HOMER (finally realizing) If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces! BURNS Who is that firebrand, Smithers? SMITHERS That's Homer Simpson. BURNS Simpson, eh? New man? SMITHERS Actually, sir, he thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Mr. Burns watches Homer on his monitor. BURNS He's a worthy foe. Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away while the others are off at the candy machine. From behind, however, we see that Homer is just struggling to reach a Sugar Daddy stuck to his back. HOMER Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? LENNY Okay, but it's the last time! BURNS We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. HOMER (thinking) Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? BURNS And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. HOMER (thinking) Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? BURNS I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? HOMER (thinking) Oh my God! He is coming onto me! BURNS After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. (winks) BURNS This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have written the greatest novel known to mankind. (reads one of the typewriters) "It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times?!" You stupid monkey! CARL All opposed? MEEK VOICE Nay. HOMER Who keeps saying that? MEEK GUY (pointing to big guy) It was him. Let's get him, fellas. KENT Tonight, on Smartline, the power plant strike: argle bargle, or fooforaw? With us tonight are plant owner C.M. Burns, union kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay, Dr. Joyce Brothers. DR. JOYCE BROTHERS I brought my own mike! KENT Yes, well. Homer--organized labor has been called "a lumbering dinosaur." HOMER Aah!! KENT My director is telling me not to talk to you any more. HOMER Woohoo! KENT Uh, Mr. Burns, you mentioned you wanted an opening tirade. BURNS Yes, thank you, Kent. ANALYSIS Primary themes: fish out of water (Homer in a positiion of power), Married with Children 4.8 - "976-SHOE" (555-SHOE) Cheers 1.17 - "Diane's Perfect Date" - David Lloyd Taxi 2.3 - "Reverend Jim, A Space Odyssey" (What Does a Yellow Light Mean?) Um, did you ever think about doing something with your life? You know, like getting a job? Jim: As a matter of fact, I have. I've often thought I'd make a good pharmacist. Jim: (after reading some questions on a DMV application form) This is the most reading I've done in years. Okay, that's it. You're ready for the test. Jim: I thought this was the test. No, no, no, this is the application. Jim: (cheating on his examn by calling out to the gang) Psst. What does a yellow light mean? Bobby: Slow down. Jim: Okay. (asks the question slowly) What does a yellow light mean? Newhart 8.24 - "The Last Newhart" (Series Finale) - Bob Bendetson, Mark Egan and Mark Solomon 93m Anchorman The Big Lebowski Napoleon Dynamite - Jared Hess, Jerusha Hess Rex: Do you think I got where I am today because I dress like Peter Pan here? Take a look at what I'm wearing, people. Do you think anybody wants a roundhouse kick to the face while I'm wearin' these bad boys? Forget about it. Napoleon: (to Debbie) I see you're drinking one-percent. Is that 'cause you think you're fat? 'Cause you're not. You could be drinking whole if you wanted to. Rico: Back in '82, I used to be able to throw a pigskin a quarter mile. Rico: How much you want to make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains? Man: So, if we purchase the 24-piece set... the mini sailboat is included? Napoleon: Do the chickens have large talons? Farmer: Do they have what? Napoleon: Large talons. Farmer: I don't understand a word you just said. Napoleon: (to Trisha, after giving her a drawing) Took me, like, three hours to finish the shading on your upper lip. It's probably the best drawing I've ever done. 93c Louis CK - Shameless Robin Williams - A Night at the Met Lewis Black - Stark Raving Black Kat Williams - "The Pimp Chronicles Pt. 1" I’m just saying ladies, stop tripping on shit that don’t even motherfucking matter. Never in the history of niggadom--never in the history of niggadom--has a nigga been getting ready to have sex with a woman, and changed his mind because her fingernails and toenails didn’t match. Not never. Not never! Never has a nigga been putting on a condom on and went, “Bitch, is that plum and red? I can’t even do it, bitch. I’m outta here. I can’t even do it.” Aspirin is perfectly legal--but if you take 13 of them motherfuckers, it'll be your last headache. Long as you been living, you ain't never heard of a motherfucker overdose on marijuana. You might've thought thought that nigga was dead. He ain't dead. He gonna wake up in minutes hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. In this room, only me, Snoop [Dogg], and his two partners. We are in a circle. I watch him roll one and light it, and put it in rotation. And it starts to go in rotation. After about four and three-quarter minutes, I start noticing that I am higher than I have ever been my entire life. I mean, I am high, high, like I'm up on the world lookin' down at the planets and stars, just satellites and my momma house where I grew up in Avondale, just all of it, I can see it. And I'm thinking, "How in the hell could I be this high off one blunt?" I look up and notice these niggas have lit six blunts, and they are all in rotation at the same time. We look like an olympic track team. First of all, white people, please stop putting them little blue leashes on your children. Please? Stop doing that. That is only entertainment for the niggas. That's all that is. We be excited as a motherfucker [when we see that]. Spanish people, you got to get you some nigga friends too, so they can tell you when shit is not appropriate. We are tired of going to the laundromat to see you in there. Your baby girl is all of seven years old. This bitch has on a wedding dress and soccer shoes. Where the fuck is she going? Is she marrying bleach? Andrew Dice Clay - Dice Rules Steve Martin - A Wild And Crazy Guy Bill Engvall - Here's Your Sign Louis CK - Hilarious I was very bad at being single. Which is a problem, Because I'm divorced. ... The part that's difficult Is being single at after ten years of marriage and two kids. It's--that's like having a bunch of money In the currency of a country that doesn't exist anymore. Like I found million Prussian Francs. ... I didn't expect to be single. I'm not prepared. ... I thought i was gonna be shoving It into the same person every three months till one of us died. So I'm trying to jerk off To Girls Gone Wild. I can't do it, 'Cause I'm a father. I'm too old. I'm just getting mad At everybody in the video. I'm like, "You fucking Irresponsible bitches. Go back to school. What are you doing down there? There's two wars And a depression. Put your--get the oil off your tits and study, For fuck's sake." The hot girl at the bar. You know when you see them. That's just--she's a hot girl At the bar. She's got the--got the shirt, and the skirt, and the boots. Those three lines. It's, like, some Perfect ratio that they hit with those three lines, And you--and they're all standing there like that. And I used to look At somebody like that. I'm like, "Wow, she's an angel. What could i ever say To make her like me?" Now i look at her and i'm like, "What is that? "Is that even a person? "What the fuck Kind of person is that? Is that an identity even? Who would want to be that?" I have two daughters. I pray they don't Grow up to be the-- The hot girl at the bar. What kind of-- "Hey, what do you do?" "People want to fuck me." Really? That's it? "Yeah." i'm stupid. I really am stupid, And it bothers me. Like, I wish i was more stupid, 'Cause then it wouldn't-- I would--just all My thoughts would just be-- [Murmuring] But instead, Here's how my brain works. It's stupidity Followed by self-hatred And then further analysis. It's not a very efficient System of thought. I have these dumb thoughts, "Duh," And then i go, "what the fuck Is wrong with you?" And then i figure it out. But the impulse Is always stupid. Like, i saw this guy In New York one day, And he's walking his dog, And this is what i saw. The guy's got a-- He's got a coffee And a dog on a leash, And a phone. He's on the phone. So he's got His phone like this, And the dog's leash is going From the phone hand to the dog. And i look at this and i go, "Oh, he's got, like, A dog phone." Like, that thought Sincerely inhabited me For, like, a full minute. I'm going, "oh, i wonder What the benefits are To hooking Your phone up to a dog." And then the other part of me Had to go, "Why the fuck Would that exist? You asshole." So i'm looking at the couple, And they're walking On the other side of the street, And they have a child with them. But i can't see their child, 'Cause there's, like, A dumpster and some other stuff. I just see, like, A little head. And i'm waiting, i'm curious What their kid looks like, Because they're so beautiful. Maybe i want To fuck their kid. I don't know. That--that's just me Saying something terrible Because it makes me laugh That it upsets you. So i'm looking At the couple, and... They got a kid with them, And i'm curious What their kid looks like. And they come Around the corner, And they're--and this Is a true story. It wasn't a kid. It was a little old chinese Woman walking next to them. And here's what My dumb brain tells me. I go, "oh, that's what Their child is like." Not like, "oh, she's A separate person. She's not with them." I'm like, "Oh, that young couple "Gave birth to a tiny, Elderly chinese woman. Isn't that interesting?" And then the other Part of me had to go, "Dude, you-- "Yeah, that's what happened. Yes. Asshole." And then i was looking At the little old chinese lady. She was--there was A beauty to her. She's just tiny, little, Old ch-- I was staring at her 'Cause i was fascinated by her. I don't know anybody like her, And i am so not A little old chinese lady. That i--i was like, "What are her thoughts?" That was what I was burning inside with. What is she thinking Right now? I can never know. And i really--the dumb brain Is telling me That she's just thinking-- [Imitates chinese] That's how dumb i am. That i think chinese Gibberish that i made up... Is in her Actually chinese mind. That's all. Just-- "Me chinese." [Imitates chinese] Course i didn't--i can't know What she was thinking. She could be thinking Anything. "Eh, black people steal." So i'm like-- She might-- I'm not saying they steal. I'm saying that fucking Racist chinese lady Might have been thinking it. She might have been. It's possible. "Jew" is the only word That is the polite thing to call a group of people and the slur for the same group. Most groups have a good and a bad. Theirs, the same word, just with a little stank on it, and it becomes a terrible thing to call a person. 'Cause you can say, "He's a Jew." It's fine. But, "He's a Jew!" Like, that's all it takes. I wish the president would slip one into a speech that's just on the border, just to fuck with people's heads. Just in the middle, you know. "We all got to get along In this country. "We need everybody. "blacks and whites And christians and Jews." That's what we sound like now. Just the whole country. We're like fat eighth graders. When I was in England, I went into this cafe full of Afghani people. And they're--they just had Crackly energy to their language. I don't know what they were saying. But it was like, "pssnlhjslnlnd." There's energy. We don't have that anymore. You ever listen to people? You ever listen to what people really sound like? The other day I was In some whatever coffee [place]... and I'm listening to just fat white people talk to each other. These two fat white guys Behind me. One of themem is like [mumbling]. And his friend's like, "I know, it's [mumbling] Obama." These two women are talking. One of them's like, "I know, it's [high pitched gibberish]" "[High pitched gibberish] Stephanie." Anyway, I was listening to the two guys, and one of 'em used a word that really pissed me off. Because it was how he used it. He used the word "Hilarious." That's one of those words that we use--that we don't care what it means. We go right for the top shelf with our words now. ... I'm listening to them. One guy says to the other guy, He goes, "Uh, Hey, dude, so, uh... So guess who i saw today." And his friend goes, "Who?" I swear to God That's how he said it. It just slid out. Just "who?" I was like, "Tighten your lips up, man. Make an effort." "Who." That's how a person talks. This guy, He's just secreting words out of the front of his head. "Who?" So his friend goes, "I saw Lisa today." And he goes, "That's hilarious." How the fuck Is that hilarious? That you saw Lisa. Is Lisa a poodle On her hind legs? How is that hilarious? ... Do you know What "hilarious" means? "Hilarious" means so funny that you almost went insane when you heard that shit. It's just so funny That it almost ruined your life. You're homeless now because you can't cope or reason anymore, because that hilarious thing Just shattered your mind. And three months later you got shit and leaves in your hair, And you're drenched In pee in the gutter. That's how funny "Hilarious" is. I don't know this Lisa cunt, but she ain't that funny. There's just no way. She's that funny on sight. Fuck her. Seriously. I hope she's dead. I really do. I hate her. ... With her one tit bigger than the other, and her fucking frizzy hair, and her big nose. Fucking Jew. ... Fucking Lisa. Fucking Lisa, man. It's just-- It didn't deserve that. The story didn't deserve-- Here's what he should have said. This is what That story deserved. It should have been like, "I saw Lisa today." The other guy should have said, "That happened." That's it. That's all it deserved. He should have said, "That happened," And then they just Should have started making out. I don't know why i wanted that. Brian Regan - I Walked on the Moon Brian Regan - Brian Regan Live I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well. Sometimes you’ll say the right thing but at the wrong time and feel stupid. Something like: “You, too!” I was getting out of a cab at the airport and the driver goes, “Hey…Have a nice flight!” “You, too! You, too, you have a nice flight, too…in case you ever fly someday. Don’t anybody look at me; I’m a moron. Don’t know when to say the 'you, too' phrase. I can’t handle it." I never learn. Like a waitress will bring my meal. “Hey, enjoy your meal.” “You, too. But you don’t have one, do ya? I’m a dufus. If you do eat, enjoy it when you eat it, if you have a break or something, later. If you get an opportunity.” Do you ever start to say something, and in the middle of what you’re saying you decide to say something else completely? There’s already words out there. These friends were leaving the other day and I started to say “Hey, take care,” and I decided to say “Good luck” instead like half way through, so it came out neither. “See you later, Brian.” “Take…luck! Take luck and care. Take care of the luck. Good luck taking care of the luck that you might have…if you have luck, take it, care for it. TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT WHEN YOU TAKE LUCK CARE OF IN IT I met this woman, I could've sworn she was pregnant. Let me tell you. I believe the rule is, don't guess at that ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever. Something like that. I don't have enough evers memorized. So I said, "Hey, when's that BABY due?" You ever feel a word comin' out but it's too late to stop it? "When's that BABY due? BABY!" "What baby?" "Uhhh. At the zoo. The pandas. I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we'd talk about them. Talk about the fluffy zoo animals, you know, I hear that they have over there. You can go look at them. If you want. And touch them." Have you ever guessed someone's gender wrong? There's no recovering from that. You just gotta move on, 'cause you ain't wigglin' out of anything. "Hey, uh, excuse me, Sir?" "MA'AM" "Okay. K bye! Bye, human. Bye, person. Nice to meet you, individual!" You’d show up [at school the day the science project was due. And] you’re scared because you don’t have anything good--and you find out all the other kids, their parents made theirs for them. I hated that. They’re backing them in on flatbed trucks. One kid with a volcano. He didn’t know how to zip up his own pants--but he built a volcano. “How’d you swing that?” I didn’t know what to do for my project. So I brought in a paper cup filled with dirt, just hoping that she’d know I’m an idiot, and just walk right on past me just as long as I was holding something. “What do you have there, Brian?” “It’s a cup of dirt. Just put an ‘F’ on it there and let me go home.” “Well, explain it.” “Well, it’s a cup. With dirt in it. I call it ‘Cup of Dirt.’ You should move on now. Just go ahead and move on. Head on down the line there.” So she went to this one kid; there’s a kid in my class who made the same solar system like 19 years in a row. A bunch of Styrofoam balls held together with coat hangars. “Hey, you’re breaking some new ground there, Copernicus.” He’s going, “The big yellow one’s the sun! The yellow one is the sun!” “OK. Alright. What are these other planets?” “The big yellow one is the sun!” “Alright! Calm down!” You watch a fishing show. At the end, they roll credits. There's 90 people involved with these two guys fishing! What the hell are they all doing? And one of the credits is "film editor." This poor guy, he's got to watch all the footage that's not exciting enough to make it into the final product. His life must be hell--watching fishing footage all day, going, "No. ... No. ... No. ... No. ... Oh--right there! He put the worm on the hook. That's good. That's good. We need that. We need that. (to coworker) Hey, uh--you know that 2 hour period where neither of them move? Yeah--we're gonna have to tighten that up a litle bit. Make a little jump cut." And one of the credits was writer. There's a writer for the--what the hell's he writing? Dialogue like, "Ooh--she's a beauty. ... Hey--I think I'm gonna have to throw her back in." So I guess these fisherman got to learn their lines. You know--they catch a fish. "Oh--I got a line. She's a beauty fish! She's a fish in, it's, uh, beauty fish... 93l Carl Reiner & Mel Brooks - The 2000 Year Old Man 92s Cheers 5.9 - "Thanksgiving Orphans" Diane: Prithee, friends, what thinkst thou? Sam: You look ridiculous. Diane: I beg your pardon. This is an absolutely authentic example of feminine colonial headwear. Sam: I'm sorry. Thou lookest ridiculous. Norm: "You know something, Cliff--you're absolutely right. Eight years I've been going to that old bat's [my mother-in-law's] house. I think [my wife] Vera owes me one, all right? I'm gonna march into that house. I'm just gonna say, 'Vera, this year we're goin' to Carla's for Thanksgiving. That's the last I wanna hear on the subject.'" Carla: "All right! Good for you, Norm. (to Everyone else) Okay, Norm's out." Norm: "Just count me in, all right? You'll see." Cliff: "Yeah, hey, uh, Carla, look, I, uh, I really wanna tell you how much I appreciate you, uh, inviting me over here." Carla: "Don't mention it." Cliff: "I, uh, really appreciate it." Carla: "No, I mean, don't ever mention to anyone that I let you in this house." The Big Bang Theory 3.22 - "The Staircase Implementation" (Leonard and Sheldon Become Roommates) Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement. Leonard Aw, screw the roommate agreement! Sheldon: No, you don’t screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you. Sheldon: if either of us ever invents time travel, we agree our first stop will be this meeting today in precisely five seconds. Leonard: Okay. Sheldon: (waits for five seconds) Well that’s disappointing. Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I’m entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas. Sheldon: But you didn’t notify me by e-mail, so this is still a breach. Leonard: I did notify you. Sheldon: Oh, you did, did you? Oh, drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter. Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder? Sheldon: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano, entitled "this is funny." The Big Bang Theory 5.10 - "The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition" - Bill Prady, Jim Reynolds & Steve Holland, Story by Chuck Lorre, Steven Molaro & Dave Goetsch Howard: It’s amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading comics digitally. Leonard: It’s probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets. Howard: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight. Yay. Raj: Hey, look, the new Warlords of Ka’a expansion pack is out. Howard: A new one? Unbelievable. They just keep making up more cheesy monsters, slapping them on cards and selling them at 25 bucks a pop. It’s like a secret tax on guys who can’t get laid. Leonard: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It’s a little awkward. Sheldon: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you’re at, you’re wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes. And if I may suggest, consider changing disciplines. Yeah, to the humanities, perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don’t have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuff that happened and then parrot it back. You could have fun with that. Leonard: Stuart’s kind of interested in Amy. Sheldon: I don’t own Amy. Can’t own a person. At least not since? 1863. President Lincoln freed the? Slaves! Come on Leonard, if you’re going to teach history, these are the kind of facts you’ll have to know. Penny: Well, ladies, we killed the bottle. Amy: I had half a glass. Bernadette: I didn’t have any. Bernadette (reading a text on Amy's phone): Hi. It’s Stuart. We met at the comic book store. I was wondering if you’d like to get coffee sometime. It’s okay if you say no. It might be the kick in the pants I need to start taking Zoloft. Sheldon: We’re playing our inaugural round of Wild West and Witches, and I’m the only one who bothered to dress for the occasion. (Spits into a spittoon) Patooie. Howard: We’re not wearing cowboy hats, Sheldon. It looks ridiculous. Sheldon: And I suppose my boots and spurs are ridiculous, too? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: Very. Raj: Incredibly so. Sheldon: Did it look ridiculous when we got the Satanimals pack and I dressed up as a Beelzebobcat? Leonard: Yeah. Howard: Very. Raj: Incredibly so. Leonard: We should go easy on him. Amy’s out with Stuart tonight. Howard: Wait a minute. Are you telling me that Sheldon’s patented blend of condescension and no sex isn’t enough to hold on to a woman? Sheldon: Cluck, cluck, cluck. What are we, ladies at a quilting bee? Or are we men playing a fantasy card game set in a magical frontier town? Leonard: You friended Stuart on Facebook? Howard: I thought you didn’t like Facebook anymore. Sheldon: Don’t be silly. I’m a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact. Raj: Please. You’re looking at Facebook to find out how their date went. Sheldon: Really? You think I care if a man, what, shared a pumpkin latte with a dynamite lady? Raj: You’re so full of it. Sheldon: You are free to believe whatever you like. And unfriend Rajesh Koothrappali. Raj: You unfriended me? Seriously? Howard: Oh, yeah. Now he’s gonna miss all those great updates like, I can’t believe I waited this long to make my own potpourri. Leonard: Sheldon, why don’t you just acknowledge that you have feelings for Amy and you don’t want her going out with other men? Sheldon: And unfriend Leonard Hofstadter. Howard: Here’s a radical thought. Go old-school, challenge Stuart to a fight. I mean, nothing makes the ladies hotter than two skinny white guys swatting at each other with their eyes closed. Sheldon: And unfriend Howard Wolowitz. Penny: What’s up? Sheldon: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me. Penny: I’m sorry, what? Sheldon: A date. You and me. Dining, dancing, perhaps you’d like to take in a prizefight. Penny: God, are you trying to make Amy jealous? Sheldon: No. Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart? And whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight. Penny: Okay, listen to me. Playing games is not gonna help get Amy back. Sheldon: I am not trying to get her back. But, out of curiosity, what is a way? Penny: All right, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I’m going with this? Sheldon: I believe I do. Penny: Mm. Sheldon: I’m the guy. Penny: You’re not the guy. Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship. Amy: I’m listening. Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes whatsoever, physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend. Amy: Interesting. Now try it without the quadruple negative. Sheldon: You’re being impossible. Amy: Hi, Stuart. Sheldon: Fine. Amy, will you be my girlfriend? Amy: Yes. Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice. Amy: What’s that? Sheldon: I present to you the relationship agreement. A binding covenant that, in its 31 pages, enumerates, iterates and codifies the rights and responsibilities of Sheldon Lee Cooper, here and after known as the boyfriend, and Amy Farrah Fowler, here and after known as the girlfriend. Amy: It’s so romantic. Sheldon: Mutual indemnification always is. Why don’t you start perusing while I set up my notary stamp. All in the Family 2.12 - "Cousin Maude's Visit" - Phil Mishkin, Michael Ross & Bernard West, Story by Phil Mishkin Sanford and Son 3.15 - "Fred Sanford, Legal Eagle" (Fred and Lamont Go to Court))- Gene Farmer, Story by Paul Mooney The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "The Lars Affair" Just Shoot Me! - "Slow Donnie" (Chicken Pot Pie) How I Met Your Mother - "Slap Bet" The Honeymooners 1.1 - "TV or Not TV" (Ralph and Ed Buy a TV) Friends - "The One with the Prom Video" South Park - "The Return of the Fellowship of the Ring to the Two Towers" Randy: Uh, boys. Butters' parents want to borrow The Lord of the Rings video we rented. Could you take it over to them? Stan: You're sending us on... a quest? You ask of us to take the one video to the House of Butters? Cartman: And so the party journeyed onward: the great Wizard, the skillful Ranger, and the covetous Jew. Kyle: I'm a Paladin, Cartman! Movie Narrator: The story begins in ages past, in the deep regions of Middle-earth, where Scorn first thrived in the kingdom of Gelgelar. Randy: Aw man, I hate when pornos try to have a story. Narrator: Seven rings were cast and given to the races of Men. Randy: Oh yeah. [begins caressing Sharon] Narrator: Seven, to the races of Elves, five to the gloondock villagers of Gelgendor. Sharon: Wow, the production values are really good in this porno. Randy: Yeah, it almost looks like... The Lord of the-- Oh, my God! This is Lord of the Rings! Sharon: But then that means.. Randy: The boys have the hottest porno ever made! Randy: Well, wait a minute, uhhh, boys, do you think you can go get that tape back for us really fast? Cartman: This sounds like a really important quest. Randy: Yes, it is. It is more important than anything I've ever asked you to do. You must retrieve the tape. But do not look at it, uh, for it... holds an evil power! Retrieve the tape, and return it to us at home. Do this, and you will be greatly rewarded. Chris: Butters, where is the movie you were watching? Butters: [crawls out into view] They took his precious, took it away to watch without him. He was really enjoying that movie, too! My... precious. Clyde: What vice did you see on the videotape, Talangar? Is it the work of Sauron's magic? Token: I'm not playing anymore. Kyle: You guys. Somebody is following us. Cartman: It's Butters. Kyle: Butters? Cartman: Yes. He's been following us for like two hours. Butters: The precious videotape. L-let the Butters see it. South Park - "Make Love, Not Warcraft" South Park 3.11 - "Chinpokomon" - Trey Parker Announcer: Be sure to tune in tomorrow for another inexplicable episode of... Chinpokomon. Hurry up and buy me. [squeeze] Down with America! Cashier: What? [squeeze] Lambtron: I love you. Let's be best friends, and destroy the capitalistic American government. President Hirohito: You are American? Red: Yes. President Hirohito: Ogh! You must have very big penis! President Hirohito: Good-bye. Thank you for stopping by, with your gargantuan penis. Sharon: This doesn't make sense. Are those stupid things supposed to be animals or robots or what? Randy: I don't know, but I suddenly kinda wanna own them all. Mr. Garrison: Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class shuts up] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three? Stan: Juuhachi desu ka? ["Isn't it eighteen?"] Class: Juuhachi da nee! ["Eighteen it is!"] Mr. Garrison: No, goddammit, it's eighteen!! Stan: Juuhachi is eighteen, Garrison-san. Mr. Garrison: For the last time, my name is not Garrison-san, all right?! And this is not Hat-san! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand! Cartman: Wuu, Garrison-san sabuchii dana. ["Ooo, Mr. Garrison is such an asshole!"] President Clinton: My fellow Americans, I wish to address the concerns many of us have over the growing number of Japanese military bases forming in the United States. The new Japanese emperor, Hirohito, has made our own children into fighter pilots who will soon fly to Hawaii and attack Pearl Harbor. I spoke with Mr. Hirohito this morning, and he assured me that I have a very large penis. South Park - "Scott Tenorman Must Die" 92m The Naked Gun Ed: Doctors say that Nordberg has a 50/50 chance of living, though there's only a 10 percent chance of that. l came as soon as l heard. He's alive, but on life support. He's got a / chance of living, though there's only a ~/. chance of that. Frank: Protecting the Queen's safety is a task that is gladly accepted by Police Squad. No matter how silly the idea of having a queen might be to us, as Americans we must be gracious and considerate hosts. - Lieutenant Drebin, Police Squad. l remember you. What do you want? l wanna ask some questions. Are you familiar with that face? I don't know. My memory ain't so great. Oh, yeah? Maybe this'll refresh your memory. - Still hazy. - How about this? l remember. Why do you want to know? - l can't tell you. - Maybe this'll help. - l don't think l should. - Still don't think so? - lt's Nordberg, he's a cop. - No, he was dealin' 'H'. - What? - He was dirty! Scum! l ought to run you in right now! He worked at Ludwig's Shipping. He tried to push something. - What are you gonna do about it? - Why should l tell you? - Maybe this'll help. - l shouldn't tell you. Can you spot me a ? How about now? Goon: I have a message for ya from Vincent Ludwig! [he fires his gun] Goon: Take that, you lousy cop! Frank: I'm sorry! I can't hear ya! Don't fire the gun while you're talking! We're coming live from the Big A, where the California Angels meet the Seattle Mariners in their showdown for the Division League. Hello! l'm Curt Gowdy, along with Jim Palmer, Tim McCarver, Dick Vitale, Mel Allen, Dick Enberg and Dr Joyce Brothers. Frank: (as baseball umpire, pattting down a baseball player) Hello, pal. Let's see if that uniform's on straight. Good here. Now let's see the shirt. You should take a large. It's a little tight in the crotch. All right? All set? OK, play ball! It's hard to believe, but apparently the umpires have got Criscione in a run-down! He saved the Queen's life! That's not the umpire, Your Honour. Hey, it's Enrico Pallazzo! Beverly Hills Cop Young Frankenstein Monty Python's Life of Brian Wedding Crashers The Hangover Look Who's Talking Austin Powers The Freshman (1925) Back to School Home Alone 2 Liar Liar Toy Story My Big Fat Greek Wedding The Producers Caddyshack The Jerk

The General Clerks Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Borat - Sacha Baron Cohen, Peter Baynham, Anthony Hines, Dan Mazer, improv Borat: This is Natalya. [kisses her passionately] She is my sister. Borat: This-a my wife Oxana. She is-a boring. Oksana: What did you say about me, you skinny piece of shit? Borat: Look, there is woman in car. Can we follow her, get her and maybe have sexy time with her? Borat: He is my neighbor Nursultan Tuliagby. He is pain in my assholes. Borat: Although Kazakhstan a glorious country, it have a problem, too: economic, social, and Jew. Borat: You telling me the man who try to put a rubber fist in my anus was a homosexual? Atlanta Teenager: What kinda music you listen to? Borat: I like-a very much Korki Buchek. You know Korki Buchek? National Anthem: Kazakhstan greatest country in the world, All other countries are run by little girls. Kazakhstan number one exporter of potassium, all other countries have inferior potassium. 92c Ron White - They Call Me Tater Salad
92l Desperate Housewives - "Pilot" CARLOS: If you talk to Al Mason at this thing, I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace. GABRIELLE: Why don’t I just pin the receipt to my chest? CARLOS: He let me know how much he paid for his wife’s new convertible. Look, just work it into the conversation. GABRIELLE: There’s no way I can just work that in, Carlos. CARLOS: Why not? At the Donohue party, everyone was talking about mutual funds. And you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield. GABRIELLE: I’m telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation. SUSAN: Sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside and they’re totally different on the inside. JULIE: Oh you mean how Dad’s girlfriend is always smiling and says nice things but deep down you just know she’s a bitch? SUSAN: I don’t like that word, Julie. But yeah, that’s a great example. SUSAN: I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch GABRIELLE: It’s like my grandmother always said: an erect penis doesn’t have a conscience. LYNETTE: Even the limp ones aren’t that ethical MARY ALICE: Lynnie? Tom’s always away on business. Do you ever worry he might... [be sleeping with other women]? LYNETTE: Oh, please, the man’s gotten me pregnant three times in four years. I wish he was having sex with someone else. JULIE: Ugh, you need to get back out there. Come on. How long has it been since you’ve had sex? (SUSAN’s pen halts stroke. She turns to look at JULIE, open-mouthed.) Are you mad that I asked you that? SUSAN: No, I’m just trying to remember. ... I don’t wanna talk to you about my love life anymore, it weirds me out. JULIE: I wouldn’t have said anything it’s just… SUSAN: What? JULIE: I heard Dad’s girlfriend asking if you’d dated anyone since the divorce, and Dad said he doubted it. And then they both laughed. SUSAN: (to her daughter Julie)How would you feel about me using your child support payments for plastic surgery? LYNETTE:I was having trouble with swelling, so the doctor took me off the pill, so you’re just gonna have to put on a condom. TOM: Condom? LYNETTE: Yeah. TOM: What’s the big deal? Let’s risk it. LYNETTE: (incredulous) Let’s risk it? TOM: Yeah. LYNETTE: Ooh! (hits him on the face) SNL - "Word Association" Weird Al Yankovic - The Essential Weird Al Yankovic 91s Seinfeld - "The Puffy Shirt" (The Low Talker / The Hand Model)- Larry David GEORGE: How can I do this?! How can I move back in with those people? Please, tell me! They're insane! You know that? JERRY: Hey, my parents are just as crazy as your parents. GEORGE: How can you compare you parents to my parents?! JERRY: My father has never thrown anything out. Ever! GEORGE: My father wears his sneakers in the pool! Sneakers! JERRY: My mother has never set foot in a natural body of water. GEORGE: Listen carefully. My mother has never laughed. Ever. Not a giggle, not a chuckle, not a tee-hee. Never went "Ha!" JERRY: Hey, I got a terrific joke for you ESTELLE: Nah, not interested. JERRY: No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys- ESTELLE: Tell it to the audience. ESTELLE: Here. I made some bologna sandwiches. GEORGE: Bologna?! No one eats bologna anymore! ESTELLE: What are you talking about?! Have a sandwich. JERRY: No thanks. ESTELLE: Oh, stop it! You don't want one, Kramer? KRAMER: Uh. no thanks. ESTELLE: I think you're all a little touched in the head. You're so worried about your health. You're young men. JERRY: I really don't eat it. ESTELLE: What am I gonna do with all these sandwiches?! Will you take them home? Give them to someone in your building? JERRY: I don't know if I'd feel comfortable handing out bologna sandwiches in the building. JERRY: Oh, Elaine and I are going out to dinner with Kramer and his new girlfriend. GEORGE: Really? JERRY: Yeah, You can't believe this woman. She's one of those low-talkers. You can't hear a word she's saying! You're always going "Excuse me?" "What was that?" KRAMER: Leslie is in the clothing business. She's a designer. In fact, she's come up with a new one that is going to be the big new look in mens fashions. It's a, a puffy shirt. ... It--it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. ... Yeah, see, I think people want to look like pirates. You know, it's the right time for it.. to be all puffy, and devil-may-care.. FRANK: Would you believe when I was 18, I had a silver dollar collection? WOMAN: Your hands. GEORGE: What about them? WOMAN: They're quite exquisite! GEORGE: They are? WOMAN: Extraordinary! Have you ever done any hand modeling? KRAMER: You're not going to believe what happening with Leslie. You know, ever since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show, she's been getting all these orders from boutiques and department stores. JERRY: Uh-huh. ... Since I said what? KRAMER: Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. JERRY: What are you talking about? KRAMER: When you said that you'd agree to wear the puffy shirt on the Today show. JERRY: This? KRAMER: Yes! JERRY: I agreed to wear this?! KRAMER: Yeah, yeah. JERRY: But, when did I do that? KRAMER: When we went to dinner the other night. JERRY: What are you, crazy?! KRAMER: What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? JERRY: I don't know! I couldn't understand a word she was saying! I was just nodding! KRAMER: There you go. JERRY: Where I go? You mean she was asking me to wear this ridiculous shirt on national TV, and I said 'Yes'?! KRAMER: This pirate trend that she's come up with, Jerry--this is gonna be the new look for the 90's. You're gonna be the first pirate! JERRY: But I don't want to be a pirate! ESTELLE: (to George) I knew it. I knew it. I always knew you always had beautiful hands. I used to tell people. Frank, didn't I use to talk about his hands? FRANK: Who the hell did you ever mention his hands to? KRAMER: Now that's a great looking shirt! Ayye Captain! Seinfeld 5.21 - "The Hamptons" - Peter Mehlman & Carol Leifer George: This is fantastic. Man, what a weekend. Swimming, lobster for dinner... Kramer: I know, it's great. And I saw Jane topless. George: You saw who, what? George: I can't believe it, you saw her before me. George: It's like I'm Neil Armstrong. I turn around for a sip of Tang and you jump out first. George: I was in the pool! I was in the pool! George: I just got back from swimming in the pool. And the water was cold... Jerry: Oh... You mean... shrinkage. George: Do women know about shrinkage? Elaine: What do you mean, like laundry? George: No. Jerry: Like when a man goes swimming... afterwards... Elaine: It shrinks? Jerry: Like a frightened turtle! Barney Miller - "Hash" Family Guy 2.3 - "Da Boom" (Y2K) Lois: Okay, we were wrong about the end of the world, and you were right. Can we please just drop it? Lois: If there's no food in Quahog, what makes you think there's gonna be food anywhere else? Peter: Lois, everyone knows there are only two things that can survive a nucular holocaust: cockroaches and Twinkies. Lois: Peter, we're saved! You were right. We can settle down here and build a house, just like we had in Quahog. Meg: Yeah! And we can build a mall, so I'll have a place to hang out! Chris: And two Denny's, so we can always say, "Let's not go to that one. Let's go to the good one." Family Guy 8.1 - Road to the Multiverse Family Guy 2.13 - "Road to Rhode Island" Woman on Tape: By purchasing this video, you've taken the first step towards strengthening your relationship. I'd like to start by asking the women to leave the room, because this part of the tape is for men only. We'll see you in a little while. Lois: I can see this is gonna be very intense. Have fun! Woman on Tape: Make sure your wife is out of the room. ... So, you wanna talk or you want me to take my top off? That's what I thought. Peter: Oh, man! Woman on Tape: You're making me so hot. I hope you like big breasts, because mine are so big, this itty bra can barely contain them. Do you wanna see more? Peter: Yes, please. Woman on Tape: Then you'll have to order my next tape. Brian: Ah, let's see. Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes. Mexican Man: That was pretty good. But when you said "Me llamo es Brian", you don't need the "es". Just "Me llamo Brian". Btian: Oh, you speak English. Mexican Man: No, just that first speech and this one. Brian: You're kidding, right? Mexican Man: Que? Brian: My name's Brian. I was born here. Man: Sorry, son. Lots of dogs been born here. Refresh my memory. Which one were you again? Brian: I was the one who could talk. Sanford and Son 4.11 - "Fred's Treasure Garden" (Marijuana Salad) - Ilunga Adell Beavis and Butt-Head 4.31 - "The Great Cornholio" Beavis and Butt-Head 7.2 - "Vaya Con Cornholio" I Love Lucy - "Lucy and Superman" The Dick Van Dyke Show - "It May Look Like a Walnut" 91m Bruce Almighty - Steve Koren, Mark O'Keefe, Steve Oedekerk Bridesmaids - Annie Mumolo & Kristen Wiig RHODES I used to get served [at your bakery] by a tall broad guy, with a wormy face. ANNIE My boyfriend. RHODES Sorry. ANNIE No, he was my boyfriend. But then he left when the business went under. RHODES You’re kidding. What a dick. I’m glad I never tipped him. BECCA Kevin can only have sex in the bed. In the dark. Under the covers. After we shower. Separately. Sometimes by the time we’re finished cleaning ourselves he’s too tired. ANNIE I just slept with a cop that pulled me over and woke up today with him. He was really sweet, nice, and cute. So naturally, I ran off as fast as I could. GIRL I’m looking for a birthday gift for my best friend. I want to get her a necklace that says ‘Best Friends Forever.’ ANNIE Are you sure you want it to say forever? I don’t think you guys will be together forever. No offense, but the friends you have when you’re younger, sometimes you grow apart. You’ll get older and maybe she’ll find a new best friend. And maybe she’ll be more successful than you are, and prettier, and richer, and skinnier, and they end up doing everything together. GIRL You’re weird. ANNIE I’m not weird. GIRL Yes you are. ANNIE No I’m not. You started it. Police Academy The Pink Panther 91c 91l 90s Seinfeld 5.21 - "The Opposite" - Andy Cowan, Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld George: It became very clear to me sitting out there today, that every decision I've ever made, in my entire life, has been wrong. My life is the opposite of everything I want it to be. Every instinct I have, in every of life, be it something to wear, something to eat ... It's all been wrong. George: I always have tuna on toast. Nothing's ever worked out for me with tuna on toast. I want the complete opposite of on toast. Chicken salad, on rye, untoasted ... and a cup of tea. Elaine : Ah, George, you know, that woman just looked at you. George : So what? What am I supposed to do? Elaine : Go talk to her. George : Elaine, bald men, with no jobs, and no money, who live with their parents, don't approach strange women. Jerry : Well here's your chance to try the opposite. Instead of tuna salad and being intimidated by women, chicken salad and going right up to them. George : Yeah, I should do the opposite, I should. Jerry : If every instinct you have is wrong, then the opposite would have to be right. George : Yes, I will do the opposite. I used to sit here and do nothing, and regret it for the rest of the day, so now I will do the opposite, and I will do something! George : Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice that you were looking in my direction. Victoria : Oh, yes I was, you just ordered the same exact lunch as me. George : My name is George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents. Victoria : (flirtatiously) I'm Victoria. Hi. Victoria : Are you sure you don't wanna come up? I mean, it's only nine thirty. George : I don't think we should. We really don't know each other very well. Victoria : Who are you, George Costanza? George : I'm the opposite of every guy you've ever met. Kramer : You see the beauty of my book is, if you don't have a coffee table, it turns into a coffee table. Mr. Cushman : Why don't you tell me about some of your previous job experiences? George : Alrighty. Ah ... my last job was in publishing ... I got fired for having sex in my office with the cleaning woman. Mr. Cushman : Go on. George : Alright, before that, I was in real estate. I quit, because the boss wouldn't let me use his private bathroom. That was it. Mr. Cushman : Do you talk to everybody like this? George : Of course. Mr. Cushman : My niece told me you were different. George : I am different, yeah. Mr. Cushman : I gotta tell you, you are the complete opposite of every applicant we've seen. Seinfeld 4.20 - "The Junior Mint" (Mulva) - Andy Robin George: What's her name? Jerry: I... don't... know... George: How could you not know her name? Jerry: I was a little nervous, I got distracted. It has something to do with a car, or a fish... Jerry: When I was a kid growin up, kids would make fun of my name like you wouldn't believe. Jerry Jerry Dingleberry. Seinsmelled. Woman: Seinsmelled? Jerry: Yeah. What about you? Did people make fun of your name? Woman: Are you kidding? They were merciless! What do you expect when your name rhymes with a part of the female anatomy? George: Now let's try "breast." Celeste. Kest. Jerry: No. George: Rest. Sest. Hest. Jerry: Hest? That's not a name. George: What, you should've just asked her. Jerry: I know, I should've asked her. George: What are you gonna do now? Jerry: I don't know. I can't ask her now; I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name. George: Aretha! Jerry: No... George: Bovary! Jerry: Alright, that's enough. George: Mulva! Jerry: Mulva? Jerry: Oh yeah, that's the spot. Woman: What are you so tense about? Jerry: Oh, nothing really. Just a homicide. Mulva. Woman: What? Jerry: Mulva? Woman: Mulva? Jerry: My Aunt's name is Mulva. She's a masseuse. Jerry: Wait a second. I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom, so when she comes out, you introduce yourself and then she'll be forced to say her name. Kramer: 10-4. Woman: Oh, hello. Kramer: Hello, I'm Kramer. Woman: Nice to meet you. Kramer: See you later. Woman: You don't know my name, do you? Jerry: Yes I do. Woman: What is it? Jerry: It, uh, rhymes with a female body part. Woman: What is it? Jerry: Mulva? Jerry: Oh! Oh! Delores! Seinfeld - "The Boyfriend" (Keith Hernandez / Vandelay Industries)- Larry David and Larry Levin JERRY: What did he come over to me if he didn't want to see me? I mean here I meet this guy this great guy, a baseball player, best guy I ever met in my life. Well that's it. I'm never giving my number out to another guy again. GEORGE: (to Cab Driver) Do me a favor--would you? Would you change lanes? Would you get outta this lane. You gotta get out of this lane. This lane stinks. They're all double parked here Please get outta this lane. I'm beggin you please please. ... You know what? Bad mistake. My mistake. Do me a favor. Go back to the other lane. You'll never get there. Forget this lane. ... You know what? This lane stinks. Go back to the other lane. Bad decision. Go, go, go,--take this light. Take this light - CABBY: That's it. Get out! GEORGE: Get out? CABBY: Get out of my cab! GEORGE: [Frantically] Did anybody call here asking for Vandaley industries? JERRY: No. What happened to you? GEORGE: Now, listen closely. I was at the unemployment office and I told them that I was very close to getting a job with Vandaley Industries, and I gave them your phone number. So, when now when the phone rings you've got to answer "Vanadaley Industries". JERRY: I'm Vanadaley Industries? GEORGE: Right. JERRY: And what is that? GEORGE: You're in latex JERRY: Latex? And what do I do with latex? GEORGE: You manufacture it. ELAINE: Here in this little apartment? JERRY: And what do I say about you? GEORGE: You're considering hiring me for your latex salesman. JERRY: I'm going to hire you as my latex salesman? GEORGE: Right. JERRY: I don't think so. Why would I do that? GEORGE: Because I asked you to. JERRY: He's going out with you on Friday? ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: He's supposed to see ME on Friday. ELAINE: Oh, uh, I didn't know. JERRY: We made plans. ELAINE: Well, uh, I'll cancel it. JERRY: No, don't cancel it. ELAINE: Huh. Well this is a little awkward, isn't it? JERRY: Well, frankly it is. ELAINE: I've never seen you jealous before. JERRY: Well you're not even a fan. I was at game six. You didn't even watch it. ELAINE: Wait a second, wait a minute. You jealous of him or you jealous of me? JERRY: {on phone) Vandaley Industries, Kel Varnsen speaking. May we help you? ... Oh. Hi, Keith. No--I was just joking around. KRAMER: (on phon) Yallo. ... What delay industries? ELAINE: No, no. GEORGE: (from bathroom) (yelling out to Kramer) Vandaley! Say Vandelay! KRAMER: (on phone) No--you're way way way off. ... Well, yeah--that's the right number. But this is an apartment GEORGE: (from bathroom) Vandelay! (runs out of bathroom with his pants half on) Vandelay! Say Vandel... (falls down) Vandelay Industries, ... KRAMER: (on phone) No problem. ... No problem. (hangs up) (to George) How did you know who that was? Jerry walks in and sees Goerge on the floow. JERRY: And you want to be my latex salesman. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 4.2 - "The Gang Solves the Gas Crisis" - Charlie Day & Sonny Lee & Patrick Walsh Mac: No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard. That's... Charlie: Whoa! That's awesome. Mac: Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it! Charlie: Oh shit! Mac: Yes! Right? Our problem is that we don't stick to that basic format and it gets us in trouble. Dennis: So what you're saying is that by breaking from that format, we're actually limiting our ability to be as successful as those organizations. Charlie: You're totally right, dude. Mac: Great, onto the matter at hand. We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies with their ten gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts. So, as the brains of this organization, I came up with a plan. Dennis: Lay it on us, bud. Mac: It involves us pulling up our bootstraps, oiling up a couple of asses, and doing a little plowing of our own. (long pause) Not gay sex. Charlie: Ah... okay, 'cause that's what it sounded like. What did you mean... Mac: We're gonna solve the gas crisis! ai We have a graph. Yeah, check this out. Now these are the gas prices last year. These are the gas prices this year. And this is what the gas prices will be. Bank Clerk: (referring to Dennis' poster) And what are those? Dennis: Uh, these are gorgeous women with heaving breasts. Yeah. Bank Clerk: Why? Dennis: Uh, well, to be perfectly honest, we sorta thought we'd be speaking to a man today, so... Mac: Yeah, is there any way that we could talk to your boss because I think he would understand more better. Bank Clerk: My boss is a woman. Mac: Really? Dennis: Your boss is a woman. Now this is a strange bank. Bank Clerk: Okay, well, I am definitely rejecting your request for $300,000 to buy gasoline. Dennis: Now explain to me how exactly we're gonna calculate the totals. Charlie: Oh, it's easy, dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right? And I count how much gas is going into the car. Dennis: All right, let me—let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on counting a liquid? Charlie: Uh, I know how to count, dude. Dennis: Let me reiterate my strong opposition to this idea. Mac: Trust me, Dennis, I know what I'm doing. Dennis: This is really unsafe, dude. Do not blow that fireball. (Mac blows a fireball) Dennis: Wow. Okay, wow, I take back everything I just said. That was amazing. Charlie: I'm gonna get some disguises. Dennis: Why would we need disguises, Charlie? Charlie: So people don't know who we are, you know? Dennis: They already don't know who we are. Charlie: You're not letting the wild card do his thing, OK? Dennis: Is there any reason behind what you're doing? Charlie: Wild card! Dennis: Alright, well just let me do the talking. Charlie: Well, I feel like you got to at least talk with a southern accent, man. [rings doorbell] Dennis: No, I'm not going to talk in a southern accent. It's bad enough that you wore this stupid "disguise." Charlie: But we're oil men! We would have southern accents. Dennis: Yeah, but we don't need bolo ties and stupid hats... Charlie: Yes, we do! She's gonna... [front door answered] Dennis: Hello ma'am. Well, uh, what a lovely house dress. Charlie: Yeah, well you're lookin' all sorts o' good! Dennis: Now, you seem like a sweet, sophisticated, nice, busy young lady so we're not going to waste your time today. Charlie: Nah, we're just a couple oil men in from Dallas and well, heh, we're itching like a hound to give you ah somethin' you want. Dennis: Heh, what my associate is trying to say is that we're here to offer your community a much needed service... Charlie: Hells yeah! We want to fill you up if you so inclined to let us. Dennis: Please let me do the talking. Please. Charlie: Now, we ain't gonna take no for an answer now you here, heh. Okay? So don't be making me sick my associate on your here, alright? He don't take kindly to no. So, can I fill you up or what? Charlie: Ya, best get to steppin' cause Johnny Law's a-comin'! Dennis: Yeah, you might want to start driving because she called the cops on us. Mac: Why's he talking like that? Dennis: Well, wildcard over here decided to lose his mind. Charlie: Now I say, I say that's just damn preposterous, boy! Dennis: Now you're just talking like Foghorn Leghorn! Like what I'm seeing here, Frank. Bring me up to speed. Frank: I'm waterboarding your sister because she's escalating the plot to kill us. Mac: The reason that shit hasn't been working out for us is because we are not working with our full crew! I'm the brains, (to Dennis) you're the looks, Charlie's the wild card, and Frank is the muscle. Charlie: Well, what's Dee? Mac: She's the useless chick. Charlie and I will use that reward money to pay off our electricity bill. Then we'll probably buy some more gasoline 'cause I feel like that's a great plan. Mac: (driving the van) Guys, why aren't the brakes working? Charlie: Because I cut the brakes! Wild card, bitches! Yeeeee-haw! (he jumps out the back of the van) The Bob Newhart Show - "Over the River and Through the Woods" (Moo Goo Gai Pan) Roseanne - "A Stash from the Past" The Cosby Show - "Happy Anniversary" Parks and Recreation - "Flu Season" The Larry Sanders Show - "Flip" - Peter Tolan and Garry Shandling Everybody Loves Raymond - "Bad Moon Rising" Ray: Debra's not feeling well, bio hormonally. Frank: Oh, got it. The enemy within. Ray: If they find me chopped up in a freezer, don't believe the suicide note. Iceberg dead ahead. Friend: Is Debra aware how she's coming off to others? Ray: What am I gonna do--buy her something [some medication to treat her PMS symptoms]? Besides, I wouldn't even know what to get. Gianni: Get them all. Ray: I got you something [some medication]. I really I want to help you feel better, you know, and, and, and this should take care of all your symptoms. Debra: Except for bitchy--right, Ray? Ray: What do you mean? Debra: I mean, there's nothing in here for bitchy. Ray: Probably need a prescription for bitchy. Marie slaps Ray. Ray: W-w-what did you do that for? Marie: It's just that it sounds like you're becoming just like your father. What are you doing? Marie: I don't know. I don't know. It's just that he was so awful during my ladies' days. Ray: Debra, Debra, please. Debra: Don't say one more word, or I'll send your mother right back in here to smack the crap out of you. Ray: Wanna hear my evening? I fed the kids dinner. Peanut butter and jelly. Debra: Well, that's my evening every night, so Ray: Oh, don't even! Ray: And then after a couple days of that, you're like, "Oh, sorry, Ray, I was just a little bit, you know." Ray: Honey, I think you make some excellent points here--but I can't help wondering that maybe part of the reason you're so upset right now might possibly be PMS-related. Debra: Did you ever think of hugging me, you jerk?! Debra: Listen, Ray. I'm sorry. I guess I am a little, you know. Ray: I Didn't want to say anything. I Love Lucy 4.28 - "Harpo Marx" The Cosby Show 1.1 - "Pilot" 30 Rock - "Tracy Does Conan" - Tina Fey 90m This is Spinal Tap Planes, Trains, and Automobiles It Happened One Night City Slickers Cool Runnings Kung Fu Panda Groundhog Day A Fish Called Wanda Wayne's World The 40 Year Old Virgin The Princess Bride American Pie Hot Shots! Office Space NINA Corporate Counsels Payroll, Nina speaking. Just a moment. Bill Lumbergh: Uh--we have sort of a problem here. Yeah. You apparently didn't put one of the new coversheets on your TPS reports. Peter: Oh, yeah. I'm sorry about that. I, I forgot. Bill Lumbergh: Mmmm. Yeah. You see, we're putting the coversheets on all TPS reports now before they go out. Did you see the memo about this? Peter: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have the memo right here. I just uh...forgot. But, uh, it's not shipping out till tomorrow, so there's no problem. Bill Lumbergh: Yeah. If you could just go ahead and make sure you do that from now on, that will be great. And uh, I'll go ahead and make sure you get another copy of that memo. Mmmkay? Bye bye, Peter. Peter Gibbons: No, I...I have the memo. I've got it. It's right... [Lumbergh isn't listening and walks away from Peter's cubicle] DOM We need to talk about your TPS reports. PETER Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it. DOM Yeah. Uh, did you get that memo? PETER Yeah. (holds it up) I got the memo. And I understand the policy. The problem is, I just forgot this time. And I've already taken care of it--so it's not a problem anymore. DOM Yeah. It's just that we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before now, before they go out now. So I'd really appreciate it if you could just remember to do that. from now on. That'd be great. PETER Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday--I, I can tell already. I'm doing it because, because, uh, I'm a big pussy. Which is why I work at Initech to begin with. BILL Hello Peter. What's happening? Um, I'm gonna need you go ahead and come in tomorrow. So if you could be here around nine, that would be great. (starts to walk away) Oh, oh, yea…I forgot. I'm gonna also need you to come in Sunday too. PETER Milton? Uh, could you turn that down just a little bit? MILTON Uh, they said I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven while I'm collating…. MILTON I, I don't care if they, if they lay me off either, because I, I told Bill that if he moves my desk one more time, then, then I'm quitting. I'm going to quit. And I told Dom, too--because they've moved my desk four times. I used to be by the window, where I could see the squirrels and they were merry. But then they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline. They have my staples for the Boston, and I kept the staples from the Swingline stapler. PETER OK, Milton. MILTON And if, if they take my stapler, I will, I will set this building on fire. BILL Uh, I'm going to have to ask you to move your desk. Now, if you could get it to go as far back against that wall as possible, that would be great. MILTON No, no, because I was, I was - BILL That way, we'll have some room for more boxes and things we need to put in here. MILTON No...sir... BILL Uh (sees the Swingline) Oh there it is. MILTON No. No. BILL Let me just get that from ya. (picks it up) Great. So if you could get to that as soon as possible, that would be terrific. Have a nice lunch, Milton. Bye. PETER Let me ask you something. When you come in on Mondays, and you're not feeling too well, does anybody ever come up to you and say, "Sounds like someone's got a case of the Mondays"? LAWRENCE No. No, man--shit no, man. I believe you get your ass kicked for sayin' something like that, man. LAWRENCE Now, what would you do [if you had a million dollars]? ... PETER I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. LAWRENCE You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He's broke and don't do shit. MICHAEL What?! Peter, you're in deep shit! You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing? PETER Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be. BOB SLYDELL Y'see, what we're trying to do here, we're just trying to get a feel for how people spend their day. So, if you would, would you just walk us through a typical day for you? PETER Yeah. BOB SLYDELL Great. PETER Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late. I use the side door, that way Lumbergh can't see me. Uh, and after that, I just sorta space out for about an hour. BOB PORTER Space out? PETER Yeah. I just stare at my desk but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too. I'd probably, say, in a given week, I probably do about fifteen minutes of real, actual work. BOB SLYDELL Uh, Peter, would you be a good sport and indulge us and tell us a little more? PETER Let me tell you something about TPS reports...' MILTON I, I, I, I, I didn't receive my paycheck this week. BILL Uh, you're gonna have to talk to Payroll about that. MILTON I, I did and they, and they said - BILL Uh, we're gonna need to move your desk downstairs into Storage B. MILTON No...I...I... BILL Uh, we have some new people coming in and we need all the space we can get. MILTON, I, I - BILL And if you could could go ahead and get a can of psticide and take care of the roach problem we've been having that would be great. (He walks away. MILTON I can't...Excuse me. I believe you have my stapler? SAMIR I can't believe they had security escort us out. Not like we're gonna steal something. PETER I stole something. MICHAEL Oh yeah. I guess we all did. PETER No, I stole something else. SAMIR What did you steal? PETER We'll call it a going away present. [Scene A field. They drop the printer. Samir stomps on it four times and Michael, eight times. Peter hands Samir a bat. He hits the printer twice and Michael takes over. He starts to punch it. Samir and Peter pull him away, but he runs back to destroy the evil printer.] MICHAEL Laundering. "To clean..." No. Uh--here it is. "To channel money through a source or by an intermediary." SAMIR It doesn't really help us, Michael. PETER OK. We're looking up money laundering in a dictionary. Rush Hour 90c Dane Cook - Harmful if Swallowed Albert Brooks - Comedy Minus One Richard Pryor - That Nigger's Crazy Richard Pryor - Here and Now Ellen DeGeneres - Here and Now Chris Rock - Never Scared What is up with Jermaine [Jackson]? Is it just me or is he the greasiest nigga you ever seen? Just greasy motherfucker. Looking like he sprayed Armoral on his face! Just glistening--like Patrick Ewing in the fourth quarter! When Jermaine is on the TV, I got to wipe the screen! "I can't see shit! Jermaine must've been on!" Even the police can't catch his ass. He just slips out! They're like "Somebody throw some sand on that nigga please!" 90l Ally McBeal "Cro-Magnon" SNL - "Buh-Weet Sings" Adam Sandler - What the Hell Happened To Me? Adam Sandler - They're All Gonna Laugh At You The Jerky Boys - The Jerky Boys 89s I Love Lucy 5.5 - "The Great Train Robbery" Seinfeld 8.8 - "The Chicken Roaster" - Alec Berg & Jeff Schaffer Kramer: Hey, stay away from the chicken, bad chicken, mess you up. Elaine: (to Heather) Hi, yea, I'm Elaine Benes, we met at Barney's, I'm a friend of George Costanza's. Whether you're aware of it or not George had this pathetic little plan to leave something behind so he could weazel a second date. Heather: Really? Elaine: I know, he has a real confidence problem. George: Well not really... Elaine: George. Anyway I know you told him you didn't have the hat because you didn't want to see him again. And, more sympathetic I could not be. But I really do need to have that hat back. George: She's bluffing, she's got it stashed away in there somewhere. Elaine: This is an absolute disaster. George: Oh, I don't know. Check this out. Elaine: You stole her clock? Jerry: You know my friend Bob Sacamano? Elaine: I thought he was Kramer's friend. Jerry: Well, he called last night about 3 a.m., we got to talking. He sells Russian hats down at battery park, forty bucks. Ipswitch: Ms. Benes. The hat you charged to the company was Sable. This is Neutria. Elaine: Well. Ihat's a kind of sable. Ipswitch: No. It's a kind of rat. Elaine: That's a rat hat? Ipswitch: And a poorly made one, even by rat hat standards. I have no choice but to recommend your prompt termination to the board of directors. Nothing short of the approval of Peterman himself will save you this time. Elaine: But, but, he's in the Burmese jungle. Ipswitch: Yes, and quite mad from what I hear. Elaine: Wait? Can I fire you? Ipswitch: No. Kramer: So Heather called? George: Yea, but get this. The message said, "Call me if you have the time." Heh heh. If I have the time. You get it? Kramer: No--but this is all very exciting. George: She knows that I have her clock. I know that she has my hat. I think she's getting ready to make an exchange. Kramer: No, Jerry! I need that chicken! I gotta have that chicken! You leave those roasters alone! Kenny never hurt anybody! Elaine: You speak Burmese? Peterman: No Elaine, that was gibberish. Heather: Alright George I'll be honest, the first time we went out, I found you very irritating. But after seeing you for a couple of times, you sorta got stuck in my head. Costanza! [Costanza like "By Mennen"] George: So you really don't have my hat? Heather: What? [George moves his bag] George: Oh. let's go do something. Heather: What's in bag? George: That's a sandwich. [Clock starts ringing] George: Damn salami. Heather: My clock. You stole it! Seinfeld 9.6 - "The Merv Griffin Show" - Bruce Eric Kaplan ELAINE: Kramer, what is wrong with you? KRAMER: What do you mean? ELAINE: Well, for starters, you're looking at note cards KRAMER: Okay. a little later, we're gonna be talking with animal expert Jim Fowler. FOWLER: Where are the cameras? KRAMER: But first, we're talking with Jerry. Okay, Jerry, uh, you drugged a woman in order to play with her toy collection. How do you feel about that? JERRY: It was great! I've done it a few more times since then. KRAMER: And she doesn't know anything about this? JERRY: No, not a thing. Newman: laughs KRAMER: Well, Jerry, we have a little surprise for you! Come on out, Celia! CELIA: What kind of a sick twisted creep are you? NEWMAN and KRAMER: Woah. JERRY: What is this? What is she doing here? KRAMER: It's the new format. Scandals and Animals. Go with it. CELIA: If you think you can drug me and play with my toys, you got another thing coming, buddy! NEWMAN: Go girl! JERRY: Well, what kind of woman drinks a whole box of wine? NEWMAN and KRAMER: Ohhh! KRAMER: I tell you, it was a grind trying to fill 10 hours a week. I'm not sure I was ready to have my own talk show set. Seinfeld - "The Strike" The Simpsons 5.15 - "Deep Space Homer" The Cosby Show 1.5 - "A Shirt Story" Sanford and Son - "Rated X" The Big Bag Theory 2.5 - The Euclid Alternative Sheldon: We’re going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night’s sleep. I don’t like the way Darth Vader stares at me. Sheldon: I can’t take the bus any more. They don’t have seatbelts. And they won’t let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords. Sheldon: We also play games. Would you like to play one? Penny: No. Sheldon: Oh, come on, it’s fun. Ooh! Another bump. Okay. I’ll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I’ll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh. Very clever, that’s a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and I say Europium, and, and you’re left with Mendelevium, and there are no more M’s because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again? Sheldon: Where are you going? Raj: I’m taking you home. Sheldon: Oh, but I’m not going home. It’s Wednesday, Wednesday is new comic book day, we have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it’s creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there’s a sale on triple-a batteries. Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV? Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Howard: What color do you want? Sheldon: You know the pale blue of Luke Skywalker’s lightsaber, before it was digitally remastered? Howard: Black it is. Sheldon: Sorry… excuse me… my bad… student driver… Leonard: How did you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale galleria? Leonard: He lives here now. Howard: Really? Why? Leonard: Well, since he won’t take the bus and he’s too evolved to drive, he decided it would be easier to just sleep in his office and shower in the radiation lab until I’m finished with my experiment. Raj: But you finished your experiment a week ago. Leonard: Yep The Big Bag Theory 3.14 - "The Einstein Approximation" Leonard: (into phone) Hello. Yeah, I’m Leonard Hofstadter. Yeah, yeah, he’s my roommate. Oh, God, is he okay? Yeah, alright, alright, I’ll be right there. Penny: What happened? Leonard: Sheldon’s escaped and is terrorizing the village. Leonard: We need to go home now. Sheldon: But I’m still working. Leonard: If you don’t come out of there, I’m going to have to drag you out. Sheldon: You can try, but you’ll never catch me. (He disappears under the balls) Leonard: For God’s sakes. Sheldon, come here! Sheldon (popping his head up): Bazinga. (Disappears, pops up in another place) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. (And again) Bazinga. Sheldon: When Albert Einstein came up with special relativity, he was working at the patent office. ... I’m going to find a similarly menial job where my basal ganglia are occupied with a routine task, freeing my prefrontal cortex to work quietly in the background on my problem. Leonard: Sounds like a great plan. Sheldon: Of course it is. Even talking to you is sufficiently menial that I can feel the proverbial juices starting to flow. Scene: The Cheesecake Factory. Penny: Sheldon, what the hell are you doing? Sheldon: I’m trying to get these tables cleared. We’re slammed. Penny: No, wait, wait, no, wait. Wh.. what are you doing here? Sheldon: A reasonable question. I asked myself, what is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable, and three answers came to mind, uh, toll booth attendant, an Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don’t like touching other people’s coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word genius, here I am. Penny: You just, you just walked in and they hired you, just like that? Sheldon: Oh, heavens, no. Since I don’t need to be paid, I didn’t need to be hired. I simply came in, picked up a tray, and started working for the man. Let me get that plate out of your way. Sheldon: I’m Sheldon. I’ll be your server today. I don’t recommend the salmon. I saw it in the kitchen. Leonard: Hang on. Black beans, not pinto beans? Sheldon: Yes. Leonard: Double guacamole? Sheldon: Of course. Leonard: No cilantro? Sheldon: Nope. Leonard: Lettuce shredded, not chopped? Sheldon: Yep. Leonard: You understand why I’m doing this to you? Sheldon: I do. Leonard: That’ll be all. Night Court - "A Day in the Life" Happy Days 2.11 - "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" Happy Days 3.13 - "They Call It Potsie Love" 89m Ted Horrible Bosses 89c Lily Tomlin - This is a Recording Louis CK - Chewed Up 89l Key & Peele - Substitute Teacher [Teacher] Alright. Listen up, y’all. I’m your substitute teacher Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20 years in the inner city. So don’t even think about messing with me. Y'all feel me? Okay. Let’s take the roll here. Jay-KWEL-in. Where’s Jay-KWEL-in at? No Jay-KWEL-in here? ... Yeah. [Jacqueline] Uh, do you mean Jacqueline? [Teacher] Okay. So that’s how it’s going to be. Y'all want to play? Okay then. I got my eye on you, Jay-KWEL-in. Bu-LAW-kay. Where is Bu-LAW-kay at? No Bu-LAW-kay here today? ... Yes, sir. [Blake] My name is Blake. [Teacher] Are you out of your God damn mind? Blake? What? Do you want to go to war Bu-LAW-kay? [Blake] No. [Teacher] Because we could go to war. [Blake] No. [Teacher] I’m for real. I’m for real. So you better check yourself. DEE-nice. Is there a DEE-nice? If one of y’all say some silly ass name, this whole class is going to feel my wrath. Now, DEE-nice. [Denise] Do you mean Denise? [Teacher] Son of a bitch! You say your name right, right now. [Denise] Denise. [Teacher] Say it right. [Denise] Denise. [Teacher] Correctly. [Denise] Denise. [Teacher] Right. [Denise] Denise. [Teacher] Right. [Denise] DEE-nice [Teacher] That’s better. Thank you. Now--AA Ron. Where are you? Where is AA Ron right now? No AA Ron, huh? Well you better be sick, dead or mute, AA Ron. [Aaron] Here. Oh man. [Teacher] Why didn’t you answer me the first time I said? [Aaron] Huh? [Teacher] I’m just asking. I said it like four times--so why didn’t you say it the first time I said AA Ron? [Aaron] Because it’s pronounced Aaron. [Teacher] Son of a bitch! You done messed up, AA Ron. Now take your ass on down to O. Shag-Hennessy’s office right now, and tell him exactly what you did. [Aaron] Who? [Teacher] O. Shag-Hennessy. [Aaron] Principal O’Shaughnessy? [Teacher] Get out of my God damn classroom before I break my foot up in your ass! Insubordinate and churlish. Tim-OH-thy. [Timothy] Preesent. [Teacher] Thank you. Vaughn Meader - The First Family Allan Sherman - My Son, The Nut 88s South Park - Asspen Married with Children 6.20 - "High I.Q." Cheers 1.19 - "Pick a Con ... Any Con" - David Angell Carla: (to Sam and Dianne) Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold long enough to get some work done here? Sam: Remember Harry? Maybe he could help us out here. Dianne: You mean that hustler you're always throwing out? That's like calling Spinoza to settle an argument between Nietzsche and Schopenhauer. Coach: She's got a point there, Sam. u lf you gave as much to the space programme as you have to him, we'd have condos on Venus. uThat's Eddie the Mole from Phoenix. They call him Mole Man, or Moley. In Philly they call him Sid. Sid? Philly's a dull town. "Precise measurements are one of the keys to a good drink." Page 12. Serving it the same day it's ordered is right up there, too. Sam: You had George conned that you two were working together, while it was you and Coach? Coach: You're not even close. Harry: Yeah, he is. Coach: (to Sam) That's it exactly. Sam: You feeling lucky tonight? Dianne: What you got in mind? Sam: A game of chance, simple cut of the cards. Dianne: What are the stakes? Sam: lf I win, I get to go to bed with you. Dianne: What if I win? Sam: You get to go to bed with me. The Cosby Show 1.14 - "Independence Day" - Matt Robinson King of the Hill 3.10 - "A Fire Fighting We Will Go" King of the Hill 6.21-22 - Returning Japanese The Golden Girls 7.2 - "The Case of the Libertine Belle" Modern Family 3.13 - "Little Bo Bleep" Duane : In February of last year, your husband, one, uh, Phillip Dunphy, was questioned at a local hotel for lewd and lascivious conduct. Jay : Oh, jeez. Claire : That's not true. Duane : Ma'am, according to this police report, he, uh, broke into a stranger's room, stripped naked... and then posed provocatively on the bed. Claire : That is technically true, but in all fairness, it was Valentine's day. Duane : Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry. It was Valentine's day. I'm not sure, uh, if your husband was born in this country. Ah. Perhaps he snuck in illegally, but here in America, we celebrate Valentine's day with chocolates, not our private parts. Phil : I am Phil Dunphy, and I am not a pervert. I, like a lot of men in this town, enjoy making love to my wife. I mean, um... I mean with their wives. Not me, them. Look, I should probably just sit down and say nothing. But it's too late. I am standing, and I'm obviously talking, and now you're looking at me, and I feel the need to keep going. First of all, no charges were filed. Everyone had a good laugh... about the situation, not... not about me. Everything's fine down there. Anywho... Where were we? Modern Family 2.6 - Halloween Modern Family 2.13 - Caught in the Act Mitchell: And can you make the chicken all white meat? Cook Number 32. Pay cashier. Mitchell: Okay, that's not an answer. Mitchell : Okay. [This is] The most important play date ever, so I'm really gonna need you to sparkle, sweetie. Cameron: Oh, I'm gonna sparkle like it's the 4th of July. Mitchell : I was talking to Lily. Family Guy 4.14 - PTV The Honeymooners 5.3 - "The Golfer" Two and a Half Men 1.1 - "Pilot" 89m Mrs. Doubtfire Keystone Cops (Various Movies) Superbad Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure My Cousin Vinny There's Something About Mary Nine to Five Bananas Knocked Up 89c Martin Lawrence - You So Crazy Sam Kinison - Breaking All The Rules Sam Kinison - Louder Than Hell 89l SNL 6.11 - "Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood" Mr. Robinson: Hi, boys and girls! I'm all alone today. But that don't mean you can stay too long. My wife will be home from work soon. Can you say "BITCH"? I'm sure you can. That's our special word today, you know. Come see. [ he steps over to an easel with the word "BITCH" on it ] It's a very special word! Do you know any? I'm sure you do! They come on all colors -- Black... White... Puerto Rican. SNL - "Celebrity Jeopardy!: Sean Connery, Minnie Driver and Jeff Goldblum" Sean Connery: I'll take "The Rapists" for $200. Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists." That's "Therapists"--not "The Rapists." Alex Trebek: And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." Sean Connery. Sean Connery: A leather glove! Alex Trebek: No. Minnie Driver. Minnie Driver: A toilet! Alex Trebek: Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he's a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again. Sean Connery: Ohhhh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20. Alex Trebek: How about "Show and Tell" for $600? I'll just show you an object, and you'll tell me what it is, okay? Sean Connery: It's a man with a mustache! Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I am not the object. I haven't shown it to you yet. Alex Trebek: Alright, let's just move on to "Final Jeopardy". And the category is: "Letters of the Alphabet." All you have to do is write down a letter. Any letter at all. For instance, "A" or "G". [ "Final Jeopardy Theme" plays, as the contestants write furiously ] There is no reason why any of you should be writing this much! Please just write down a letter of the alphabet. [ pan across contestants to Jeff Goldblum waving his arms around in slow strides ] Mr. Goldblum evidently doing Tai Chi over there.. [ time runs out ] Okay, for the sake of tradition, let's take a look at the answers. Sean Connery, you wrote: [ picture of a large hand giving "The Finger" appears ] Okay, that is definitely not a letter. Sean Connery: Ha-Haa!! SNL 3.9 - The Festrunk Brothers Georg Festrunk: We are... TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS! bon Georg Festrunk: Wait! Here is something I can tell you: Two swinging foxes are coming to our pad TONIGHT! Georg Festrunk: I put our names -- Yortuk and Georg Festrunk -- on cards for the computer! I told them that we have many SWINGING hobbies, and we enjoy a great deal many interests like meeting girls and being next to their BIG AMERICAN BREASTS! Vobsina Cherbu: Before having SEX, you will be buying us an EXPENSIVE meal and many PEPSIS! Yortuk Festrunk: You'll be pardoning me for a moment. [ to Georg, privately, as the girls grope the air nearby ] These -- These are not American fox-es! Yortuk Festrunk: Goodbye, Cliff! Enjoy your sex! SNL - James Brown's Celebrity Hot Tub Party The Firesign Theater Sex and the City - "I Heart NY" Sex and the City - "Ex and the City" 88s Community 2.19 - "Critical Film Studies" Community 3.4 - "Remedial Chaos Theory" South Park - Butters' Bottom Bitch The Cosby Show 1.22 - "Slumber Party" - Carmen Finestra The Honeymooners 5.25 - "Mama Loves Mambo" Sanford and Son 3.6 - "Lamont, Is That You?" - James R. Stein, Bob Illes It's Always Sunny 4.13 - "The Nightman Cometh" SpongeBob SquarePants 2.14 - "Band Geeks" [Squidward plays his clarinet until doorbell rings. Doctor Forrest is at the door] Doctor Forrest: Yeah, uhh, we're with the pet hospital down the street and I understand that you have a dying animal on the premises. [Squidward shuts door.] Patrick: Is mayonnaise an instrument? Squidward: No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Patrick raises his hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either. [Patrick lowers his hand] New Girl 2.15 - "Cooler" Archer 2.9 - "Placebo Effect" Futurama 3.10 - "The Luck of the Fryrish" Futurama - "Roswell That Ends Well" That '70s Show 2.1 - "Garage Sale" - Dave Schiff Wings 2.21 - "Murder She Roast" - Dave Hackel Entourage 3.2 - "One Day in the Valley" We're going to the Valley, Drama, not the Sahara. Don't kid yourself, E. North of Ventura Boulevard is Hell's waiting room. Be prepared. We'll have to stop every 20 feet for you to take a leak. Drama: Vince, I'm burning up here. Another hour and my kidneys may shut down. Did kids look this young when we went to [high] school? In Drama's eighth year they did. Six years, assholes. Family Guy - "Something, Something, Something Dark Side" My Name Is Earl 2.13 - "Buried Treasure" - Erika Kaestle, Patrick McCarthy 88m Analyze This Romancing the Stone The Breakfast Club Three Amigos Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure Friday Mean Girls Old School Big The Nutty Professor Dirty Rotten Scoundrels Dodgeball Tommy Boy 48 Hours Love and Death Three Men and a Baby Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 film) Legally Blonde 88c Jim Gaffigan - King Baby Dave Chappelle - Killin' Them Softly
Rodney Carrington: Live at the Majestic Louie Anderson: Mom! Louie's Looking at Me Again Jonathan Winters - The Wonderful World of Jonathan Winters Bill Hicks - Rant in E Minor Bill Hicks - Relentless Steven Wright - I Have a Pony Steven Wright - A Steven Wright Special Mitch Hedberg - Mitch All Together Redd Foxx - Uncensored Lewis Black - Black on Broadway David Cross - Shut Up You Fucking Baby Dennis Miller - The Off-White Album Bill Cosby - I Started Out as a Child Bill Cosby - Why Is There Air? Bill Cosby - Revenge Whoopi Goldberg - Direct from Broadway Whoopi Goldberg - Fontaine… Why Am I Straight? Joan Rivers - What Becomes a Semi-Legend Most The Smothers Brothers - At the Purple Onion Nichols and May - An Evening with Mike Nichols and Elaine May Patton Oswalt - Werewolves and Lollipops 88l Key & Peele - Wast/West College Bowl 87s Curb Yout Enthusiasm 2.7 - "The Doll" - Larry David Jeff: My umm wife's good friend was the art director on that I heard it was great. Lane Michaelson: Oh, how is Susie? Jeff: Ah, we split up. Uh, I'm living in a hotel. Lane Michaelson: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Jeff: Don't be! It's great. Larry: Excuse me. Amy: Yea Larry: Do you work here? Amy: No. Larry: How come you told me to, to get rid of the water then? Amy: I saw you coming in with water, there's no water, it's the rules. Larry: I don't understand how it's your concern. You don't work here. Larry: Yea, I think I got some kinda rash, I gotta check out my penis, I have to go to the doctor now? That's going to be a lot of fun. "Where'd you get the rash?" "Oh, I stuck a doll's head down my pants, Dr. It feels good to me!" Curb Your Enthusiasm 4.6 - "The Car Pool Lane" Larry: It is weird to ask a guy, you know his father just died, "Can we use your tickets?" ... Still, I mean, it doesn't hurt to ask. ... Maybe we'll run into him, say hello. We'll feel it out, check him out. Zip in, zip out, say hello. If the subject of baseball comes up, it comes up, that's all. Counselor Condon: Ms. Whitaker, have you ever served on a jury before? Ms. Whitaker: No. Counselor Condon: Have you ever been the victim of a crime? Ms. Whitaker: No. Counselor Condon: Is there any reason you can think of that you would not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner? Ms. Whitaker: No. Counselor Condon: Okay, thank you for your time. Ms. Whitaker: Absolutely. Counselor Condon: Moving on, Your Honor. Could you state your name, sir? Larry: Larry David. Counselor Condon: Mr. David, I'm Counselor Condon. Larry: Counselor Condon, nice to meet you. Counselor Condon: Have you ever served on a jury before? Larry: No. Counselor Condon: Have you ever been the victim of a serious crime? Larry: My cousin once stole an Almond Joy from me, It was upsetting at the time but, umm... Counselor Condon: I don't think that would be considered a serious crime. Is there any reason you can think of that you'd not be able to decide this case in a fair and impartial manner? Larry: I don't know if I could be impartial, Mr. Condon, given that the defendant is a negro. Larry: Good afternoon, good afternoon. Uh, I couldn't help but notice the, uh, the transaction between you and the the other gentleman, and uh Drug Dealer: What exactly were you thinking of? Larry: A little, uh, a little weed going, you know. Some weed? Drug Dealer: Yeah, I got it. I got it, Yeah, you know. First of all, calm down a little. Larry: Sure. Drug Dealer: Just, you know, relax, just Larry: Yeah, no, I'm I'm Drug Dealer: Create the illusion that we're friends talking here, all right? Larry: You kidding me? You know what? You're 100% right. Drug Dealer: That's too much, All right, that, Larry: Yeah. Drug Dealer: Okay, you're doing fine. Just chill out. I can get you an ounce of, like, some real, you know, hydroponic scientific stuff, but that'll run you $500 bucks. Larry: Hydroponic? Drug Dealer: Yeah. Larry: I'm not looking for a sound system, my friend. Drug Dealer: Hydroponic. Larry: You know what I mean? Just looking to get my father a little a little relief. Drug Dealer: Let's play it safe. I'll give you an ounce of schwag. Larry: Schwag? Drug Dealer: It'll cost you 200 bucks. Larry: An ounce of schwag, 200. Drug Dealer: 200. Larry: Is that a fair price you're quoting me there, sir? Drug Dealer: Look, you can pay me 200 bucks or go fuck yourself. Larry: Okay, well Drug Dealer: Look, I don't need to sell the drugs, the drugs'll sell themselves. Larry: Sure. Drug Dealer: You know, forget it. Larry: No, let's do schwag. Schwag. Drug Dealer: Just keep walking. Larry: No, no, Schwag, $200, okay, I got it. I got it. So what do we do, what happens now? Drug Dealer: You got $200 on you? Larry: Yes, yes. Drug Dealer: All right, take out the 200 bucks. Larry: I'll count to three, where is it? Drug Dealer: It's right here. Larry: Let me let me put my hand on it. Drug Dealer: Just give me your money, sir. Larry: One hold it. You're not letting me put my hand Drug Dealer: Your hand is on it. Drug Dealer: All right. Larry: One, two, three. Drug Dealer: All right, now keep walking. Larry: Okay. Any particular direction? Drug Dealer: Just, just, just please move. Larry: Which... Drug Dealer: Just walk, just walk, just walk. ... Jesus Christ. Larry: I gotta go this way. Drug Dealer: Just go, just go. Monena: No, I'm gonna go to the game or you're gonna take me back to the corner or I'm gonna call my motherfucking pimp. Monena: Oh, I know you ain't looking around like you scared somebody gonna recognize you or some shit. Trying to act like you ain't with me? Larry: No, what are you saying? Monena: I will pull a titty out in this thing. Larry: Don't Monena: I will pull a titty out Larry: Don't you dare do that. Larry: Hey, what a great game, huh? Is anybody sitting there? Marty: No. Larry: Can I join you? Marty: No. Larry: Why not? Marty: Well, uh, it's a seat for my father. Larry: Your father's dead. Marty: It's a memorial. We used to go to games together. It makes me feel close to him. It's to honor him. Larry: (to Man) If you're ever looking for a good blowjob at a reasonable rate, she's your gal. Monena: That was good. You got some big, oh, you a pimp. Marty: You're not gonna believe this, but my car won't start. Larry: Oh my God. What a shame. Marty: It is. Listen, I've gotta pick up someone at the airport. And I know it's on the way. Can you give me a lift, please? Larry: Why don't you ask your father to help you jump start the car? Hey Leo, why don't you give him a push? Marty: I'm sorry about the ballgame. It was emotion. Just give me a ride. Let's not go through this, please. Larry: There's one little problem. I'm with a prostitute. Marty: My eyes are closed. I'll sit in the back, do what you want. Larry: I didn't pick her up for sex. I picked her up so I could use the diamond lane, so I can get to the stadium on time for the game. Marty: I buy it. Just give me a lift to the airport, please. Larry: I don't quite have enough cash to pay you tonight. But I'm, you know, I'm totally good. I'll pay you tomorrow. I'll come to your house Monena: Tomorrow? This ain't motherfucking pussy on layaway! Monena: Just say this. "Dis chronic is the shiznik." Dis chronic is the shizmik. Monena: The shizmik! Shizmik. Monena: For shizzle my nizzle. For shizzle my that sounds almost Yiddish to me. Yiddish Ebonics. You know something? This stuff? I can see. I swear to you, I'm not lying to you. Larry: Really? You're coming through so crystal clear. Larry: You're kidding me. Really? It's a miracle. I swear to you it's a miracle. Larry: That's fantastic. Monena: All right, you ready to go? Oh my God. It's a hooker! Monena: I want my 200 skrilla. Okay. Cheryl: This is your anniversary present? Larr: No no, see, I was going to the ballgame Monena: I want my money, baby. I need my skrilla. Larry: You got any cash? Scrubs 3.14 - "My Screwup" The Odd Couple - "Password" All in the Family - "Edith's Problem" - Burt Styler and Steve Will & Grace 2.7 - "Homo for the Holidays" - Alex Herschlag JUDITH (Jack's Mother): I can see why Jack wooed you. Bet you made an adorable couple. [PRESSING THE ELEVATOR BUTTON] Come on, come on, come on! GRACE: Uh... Wh-wh-whoa! Adorable couple? I... JUDITH: Yeah. And I think it's terrific that you and Jack have stayed friends even after he dumped you. Bye-bye. JACK: All right, fine. I'll do it, ok? Tonight at dinner, I'll tell my mother I'm gay. GRACE: God, I would think after 30 years, it would be kind of liberating. JACK: Oh, no. I'm not telling her I'm 30. NewsRadio 3.14 - "Complaint Box" - Brian Kelley & Lewis Morton, Story by Joe Furey & Josh Lieb [Reading cards from the complaint box] Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy." Joe: Hey. Parks and Recreation - "Fancy Party" Better Off Ted - "Racial Sensitivity" Frasier 4.1 - "The Two Mrs. Cranes" - Joe Keenan Clive: (to Daphne) My feelings for you haven't changed. I think about you every day, every night, and there comes a time in a man's life when he's got to sum up the courage to look at a woman straight in the eye and say... Niles: [entering with a bowl of Cheese Nips:] Cheese Nips? Daphne: This is my very dear old friend, Clive Roddy. Clive, I'd like you to meet Dr. Niles Crane. My husband. Daphne: Dr. Crane, I'm so sorry. It seemed the kindest way to let him down. I didn't mean to put you in an awkward position. [opens fridge and bends over to get something from the bottom shelf] Niles: When it comes to you, no position is... [turns round, coming face to face with her backside] too awkward. Niles: Oh, oh, oh, oh! [stops Daphne] Wait, you have to pay the love toll. [she kisses him] Too much, here's the change. [kisses her back] Frasier: I told you to be honest! But would you listen? No! Now instead you subject us to this ridiculous charade. Daphne: Play along, please. I swear, one drink and he's out the door. Niles: [entering:] He's staying for dinner. Niles: (to Martin) Dad! Frasier: Dad! Daphne: Dad! Frasier: Clive is Daphne's old boyfriend; she's trying to let him down easily, by pretending to be married to Niles. Niles: So this is my place. Frasier is staying here temporarily, because he's separated from Maris. Martin: [to Frasier] You couldn't stand her either, huh? Martin: Que Sera Sera. I better turn in, boys. uFrasier: Don't forget your warm glass of Tang. Daphne: (to Roz) Oh, are you sure that's wise, dear? Remember that blackout you had last month? [laughs] What am I saying? Of course you don't. Roz: Now, now, Daphne. You have to keep your strength up. You are eating for two. Clive: You're having a baby?! When you were planning on springing that news? Daphne: We don't like to bring that up. It's a sore point around here, what with my sister-in-law being barren and all. Roz: You're right. You know what, Daphne? You can have him. You can have him, he's yours! Daphne: Oh, fat chance I've got, now that you've told him I'm pregnant! How am I supposed to get rid of this bloody baby?! She sees Clive and they all turn round in panic. Daphne: But I haven't changed! Really, we're not the awful people you think we are. Frasier: No, the truth is we've been lying to you all night! Daphne: Yes! Clive: Well, I don't care to be lied to anymore. Goodbye, Daphne, Maris, Dr. Crane, Dr. Crane. I'll never understand how two men like you could be spawned from that sweet, courageous old astronaut. Frasier - "Travels With Martin" - Linda Morris, Vic Rauseo Frasier: It was his [Martin's] dream, he was going to go on this trip with Mom. Niles: Yeah, but she lucked out and died! Niles: Those were awful, those family driving vacations. Dad insisting on covering as many miles as possible in a day. The two of us tiny hostages in the back seat, clutching our car sickness bags, straining to see something out of the window as the landscape whizzed by. I was thirteen before I realized cows aren't blurry! Niles: (to Frasier) This is my final word: I'm-not-going. Martin: (calls out from other room) Hey, great news, Daphne's coming too! Niles: And so am I! Martin: [to Daphne] Now listen, on the off chance that the guard asks you a question, can you say anything in an American accent? Daphne: [in a poor imitation of a U.S. accent] Sure. Martin: Okay, what? Daphne: You just heard it! Daphne: Oh, I need a cup of tea! Frasier: TEA! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing, "God save the Queen"! Frasier: They're waving us through... they're waving us through... they're pulling us over... they're pulling us over! Guard: And you, Miss? Did you enjoy Canada? Daphne: Sure! Guard: And the weather? Daphne: Sure, sure! Niles: [standing] That's it. I'm going to be arrested! Daphne: We're all getting arrested! Niles: Yes, but I have delicate features. Prison will be hell for me! Frasier 2.03 - "The Matchmaker" - Joe Keenan Frasier: You've been seeing a man? Daphne: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate. Frasier: I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith. Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! Tom: He (Frasier) seems like a nice guy. Roz: Oh, he's OK. Tom: I hope he's more than OK. He just asked me out on a date. Tom: You live with your dad? I can't even imagine that. Well, I mean it's great that you get along so well, but doesn't, um... having him here put a crimp in your love life? Frasier: Oh, not at all. Except when I bring my dates home, he tries to steal them. He's quite the old rascal! Daphne: (To Tom) I could listen to your stories all night. They're so funny. Niles: And all involving bodily functions. Tom: Oh. It must be all in my head, but I sensed that you had a problem with me dating Frasier. Niles: I'm sorry, what was the question? Tom: Do you have some problem with me dating your brother? Niles: No. Niles: I had a little chat with Tom in the kitchen and he told me he's interested in pursing a romantic relationship. But, the object of his affections is not Daphne. Frasier: Damn that Roz! Niles: No, no. It's you. Frasier: Me? That's impossible, Tom's not gay! Niles: He seems to be under that impression. Frasier: Well, what on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions... [clicks] Oh my God! Niles, do you realise what this means? Niles: Yes. You're dating your boss. You of all people should know the pitfalls of an office relationship. Tom: You know, I've broken my rule for you. I usually don't date guys I work with. Frasier: Yes, well, I've sort of relaxed my rule for you too. uTom: You're cute when you're nervous. d Frasier: I must be downright adorable now then. The Larry Sanders Show - "Hank's Night in the Sun" - Peter Tolan 3rd Rock From the Sun 4.10 - "Two-Faced Dick" Malcolm in the Middle - "Bowling" Friends - "The One Where No One’s Ready - Ira Ungerleider (Ross is trying to get everyone to get dressed so they'll leave on time. Monica is obsessing over her ex-boyfriend.) ROSS: Yeah, see Mon, listen, listen. When Carol and I broke up, I went through the same thing. And you know what I did? MONICA: Huh? ROSS: I got dressed. (Chandler and Joey are in an argument over who gets to sit in a certain chair.) CHANDLER: All right, fine. You know what? We'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable. JOEY: Me too. (in a sexually suggestive tone) In fact, I think I might be a little TOO comfortable. (Joey is wearing all of Chandler's clothes.) JOEY: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I *be* wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando...3 CHANDLER: Oooo-ooh! JOEY: Yeah. dWhew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I, uh, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges) ROSS: (to Rachel) I'm sorry I yelled. I want you there, I need you there. Look, what, what can I do that can show you how much, how much I want you to be there? JOEY: You could drink the (glass of chicken) fat (on the table). ROSS: Hi, welcome, to an adult conversation. RACHEL: You were really gonna do that, weren't you? ROSS: Well, yeah. RACHEL: You were gonna drink the fat. JOEY: Let's see what else he'll do! The Simpsons - "Rosebud" I Love Lucy 5.2 - "Lucy and John Wayne" I Love Lucy 2.21 - "Lucy Goes to the Hospital" 87m Ruthless People The Absent-Minded Professor The Bank Dick Major League The Blues Brothers Revenge of the Nerds The Santa Clause 87c Zach Galifianakis - Live at the Purple Onion Jim Gaffigan - Mr. Universe Chondra Pierce Flip Wilson - The Devil Made Me Buy This Dress Don Rickles - Hello Dummy 87l MAD TV - "Can I Have Your Number?" Flight Of The Conchords - Flight Of The Conchords 86s Seinfeld - "The Bubble Boy" - Larry David & Larry Charles Seinfeld 4.17 - "The Outing" - Larry Charles George: Jerry did you wash this pear? Jerry: Yeah, I washed it. George: It looks like it hasn't been washed. Jerry: So *wash* *it*. George: (to Sharon) You hear the way he talks to me? Sharon: You should hear how *my* boyfriend talks to me. Jerry: (to Sharon) We're not gay! Not that there's anything wrong with that. George: No, of course not. Jerry: I mean that's fine if that's who you are. George: Absolutely. Jerry: I mean I have many gay friends. George: My *father* is gay... Sharon: Look, I know what I heard. Jerry: It was a *joke*. George: (to Sharon) Look, you wanna have sex right now? Do want to have sex with me right now? Let's go! C'mon, let's go baby! C'mon! Mrs. Costanza: Every *day* it's something else with you. I don't know anything about you any more. Who are you? What kind of life are you leading? Who knows *what* you're doing? Maybe you're making porno films. George: Don't you see what it says here? Don't you understand what that's implying? Allison: No, what? George: I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I'm very, very gay. Allison: You're *gay*? George: Extraordinarily gay. Steeped in gayness. George: Jerry! Oh, my God! What are you doing!?! Jerry: What!? George: You're with a *woman*! Jerry: I know! What are you doin' here?!? George: I leave you alone for two seconds, and this is what you do! I trusted you! Jerry: Would you get the Hell out of here! Sharon: What's going on? Allison: Yeah, what's going on? George: Alright, tell her. Go ahead. Jerry: Tell her what? George: Y'know. About *us*. Family Guy 9.1 - "And Then There Were Fewer" The question is, who here wanted James Woods dead? Let's look around and see if we can find any more clues. Oh, my God. Brian, I feel like everyone's wondering why I'm wearing shorts. Nobody's even looking at you. No! No, it's not true! I would never kill anybody, never! And I am not saying another word until I talk to my lawyer, because Why is he wearing shorts? Wait a minute. Something's not right here. We're short one vagina in this room. Wait a minute, wait a minute, guys! I got an idea. Shoot. What if half of us go around one side of the table, and the other half go around the other side, and then we won't have to chase him around in circles. The Office 4.13 - "Dinner Party" - Lee Eisenberg & Gene Stupnitsky The Office 2.22 - "Casino Night" - Steve Carell Rick and Morty 1.8 - "Rixty Minutes" buf Hot Shots! Part Deux The Goonies A League of Their Own Kung Fu Panda II As Good as It Gets 86c On Location: George Carlin at Phoenix Jackie Mason - The World According to Me Roseanne Barr - The Roseanne Barr Show 85s Married with Children 3.1 - "He Thought He Could" - Ron Leavitt, Michael G. Moye MARCY Peggy, did you know this [popcorn you made] says "Use before May 11th, 1972"? PEGGY Marcy, if you read it carefully, it says "BEST if used before May 11th, 1972." TV On the darker side of the news, surveillance cameras in the Oakwood Library caught the man with the most overdue book in the school's history, as he sneaks "The Little Engine That Could" back on the shelf to avoid paying the fine. Watch carefully in slow motion as he distracts - and almost kills - the librarian, then puts the book back on the shelf. So take a good look at this man, he's been identified as Chicago's own Al Bundy. In this reporter's opinion, a true piece of human garbage. 30 Rock 3.16 - "Apollo, Apollo" - Robert Carlock The Honeymooners 1.14 - "The Man from Space" How I Met Your Mother 2.7 - "Swarley" - Greg Malins Will & Grace 2.3 Das Boob Three's Company 6.7 - "Two Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" Two and a Half Men 3.8 That Voodoo That I Do Do Two and a Half Men 5.8 Is There a Mrs. Waffles? South Park 8.5 - "Awesom-O" - Trey Parker Cartman (disguised as Awesome-O the Robot): Wow. Sounds like this Cartman kid is pretty smart. Butters: No, he's not smart! He's just an asshole. And he's never gonna play on me ever again! Cartman: Really? You think so? Well, guess what, Butters. I have a surprise for you. Butters: Yeah, and he's never gonna get me again! 'Cause what Cartman doesn't know is that I know one of his secrets! Cartman: What? Butters: When Cartman is playing all alone in his backyard, he likes to dress up like Britney Spears and pretend he's her! He sings and dances around with a life-sized cutout of Justin Timberlake. Cartman: You saw that? Butters: Yeah! And I videotaped him doing it! Butters: Ah I'll be right back. I'm gonna get some Sunny Delight. [walks off] Cartman: I would like some Sunny Delight too. Butters: [tickled] Don't be silly, AWESOM-O. Robots don't need to drink nothin'. Cartman: Butters, wouldn't you like to have some time away from AWESOM-O? We could meet up later, perhaps? Producer: AWESOM-O, given the current trends of the movie-going public can you come up with an idea for a movie that will break a hundred million box office? Cartman: Um... okay. How about this: Adam Sandler is like, in love with some girl, but then it turns out that the girl is actually a... golden retriever, or something. Staffer 2: Oh, perfect! Staffer 3: We'll call it "Puppy Love"! Staffer 2: Give us another movie idea, AWESOM-O! Cartman: Movie idea number two thousand three hundred and five: Adam Sandler is trapped on an island and falls in love with a coconut. Producer: You are an incredible robot, AWESOM-O. I was just wondering... are you by chance a... pleasure model? South Park - "Casa Bonita" Cartman: Oh God! They're coming! They're coming! We gotta get out of here! They're coming this way! Butters: Who's coming this way? Cartman: The cannibals! Don't you know? The meteor destroyed all of society, Butters. Now Earth is ruled by packs of wild humans gone mad! Those of us who survived are now being hunted by flesh-starved cannibals! Butters: Oh God! I hate cannibals! Butters: Eric, you're the friend in the whole world. I... I love you. Cartman: I love you too, man. I just [goes into spasms] You look so delicious! Must eat your brains! Cartman: Hah! It's Wednesday! It's Wednesday! [crosses off Tuesday on his calendar] Only three more days till Casa Bonita. I'm gonna go through Black Bart's Cave first. No! I'm gonna watch the cliff divers first! Maybe if I tell them it's my birthday, they'll let me cliff-dive in the pool! Cartman: So, um, should we go to Black Bart's Cave first or watch the puppet show? I think we should go through Black Bart's Cave right away 'cause, we're gonna wanna do it seven or eight times. And then we'll watch the cliff divers before the puppet show. Stan: Dude, it's Kyle's birthday. We should do whatever he wants to do. Cartman: What? Fuck Kyle. ... Ha ha, j-just kidding, birthday joke. Of course we'll do whatever Kyle wants, uh. Happy Birthday, Kyle. (sings) Happy Birthday to you... Butters: HAAAAGH! Who are you? Are you infected? Worker: With what? Butters: You're not a cannibal, are you? Worker: No Butters: Oh. Oh good. You're a survivor, like me. Look, Mr. Dog, another survivor. And it's a lady, too. That means we can repopulate the earth. Yippee! Worker: Kid, what are you doin' here? Butters: I'm rebuilding society. Here, take a look. This is the library, and over here is the bank. That over there I'm thinking into a P.F. Chang's or a Bennigan's. And this is a memorial to Eric Cartman, the person who gave his life so that I could rebuild society. Well ma'am, I guess we should start repopulatin' the earth, huh? [promptly unzips and drops his pants, then steps forward.] I'm ready whenever you are. Worker: Kid, I don't know what you think is going on, but this place is a dump. Sheila: Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because he wanted to go to Casa Bonita. Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you! Cartman: But... Casa Bonita. Kyle: I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all! Cartman: But I... but... [suddenly takes Kyle hostage] Stand back! Stan: Cartman, stop it! Cartman: [backs up towards the restaurant with Kyle still hostage] I... am going... to Casa... Bonita! Cartman: Excuse me! Coming through to Black Bart's Cave! Oh! Oh, scary! Look, a skeleton! Oh man, I'm so scared! Oh! Oh! Oh, that was awesome! Oh! Oh! Cliff divers! Captain: All right, kid! End of the line! Cartman: Ah. Uh. [jumps off the cliff] Yeeeesss! Captain: Well kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all your friends, and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Huh, was it worth it? Cartman: Totally. Arrested Development 1.10 - "Pier Pressure" Arrested Development - "Development Arrested" Happy Days 5.22 - "My Favorite Orkan" - Joe Glauberg Frasier 3.13 - "Moon Dance" The Honeymooners 1.16 - "Oh, My Aching Back" Ralph: [looking out the window] Whoa! It certainly looks like rain tonight! The Andy Griffith Show - Otis the Deputy The Andy Griffith Show 4.11 - "Citizen's Arrest" It's Always Sunny 5.10 - "The D.E.N.N.I.S. System" - David Hornsby & Scott Marder & Rob Rosell Mac: I wait til you're done with them, and then I swoop in, give them a shoulder to cry on, and then we hump. Dennis: You've been humping these girls after I'm done with them? Charlie: Maybe I should just stick to stalking. Maybe that's my system. I'm Alan Partridge - "Watership Alan" The Simpsons - 22 Short Films About Springfield 85m "Crocodile" Dundee The Wedding Singer Play It Again, Sam Uncle Buck Porky's Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby Meet the Fockers Sherlock, Jr. 85c Louis CK - Live at the Beacon Theater 85l Sex and the City - "Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda" Old Spice Man Commercials 84s The Simpsons - Treehouse of Horror V Martin 2.17 - Suspicious Minds Martin 3.24 - The Romantic Weekend Roseanne 3.7 "Trick or Treat" Married with Children 2.13 - "You Better Watch Out" King of the Hill 6.1 - Bobby Goes Nuts Will & Grace 4.7 Bed, Bath and Beyond Jhoni Marchinko Roseanne 5.16 - "Wait Till Your Father Gets Home" Entourage - "Vegas, Baby Vegas" Beavis and Butt-Head 2.21 - "No Laughing" 84m Men in Black Silver Linings Playbook Shaun of the Dead Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle Four Weddings and a Funeral Diary of a Mad Black Woman 84c 84l 83s The Simpsons - "Mr. Plow" The Simpsons - "Homer at the Bat" The Simpsons 8.2 - "You Only Move Twice" - John Swartzwelder Homer: Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it's all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come. Three's Company 5.9 - "The Not-So-Great Imposter" Cheers 11.22 - "It's Lonely On The Top" Ellen - "The Puppy Episode" I Love Lucy 6.12 - "Lucy and the Loving Cup" Seinfeld 8.19 - "The Yada Yada" - Peter Mehlman and Jill Franklyn Jerry: What's up? Tim: I'll tell you what's up. I'm a Jew. Jerry: Excuse me? Tim: I'm a Jew. I finished converting two days ago. Jerry: Well. Welcome aboard. Tim: Thanks. George: Hey, were you just at the health club? Tim: Oh, well, I didn't do much. I just sat in the sauna. You know, it was more like a Jewish workout. Jerry: Elaine, the guy's Jewish two days, he's already making Jewish jokes. Jerry: Tim, do you think you should be making jokes like that? Tim: Why not? I'm Jewish, remember? Jerry: I know, but... Tim: Jerry, it's our sense of humor that sustained us as a people for 3000 years. Jerry: 5000. Tim: 5000, even better. Okay, Chrissie. Give me a schtickle of flouride. Jerry: And then he asked the assistant for a schtickle of flouride. Elaine: Why are you so concerned about this? Jerry: I'll tell you why. Because I believe Whatley converted to Judaism just for the jokes. Jerry: So Whatley said to me, "Hey, I can make Catholic jokes, I used to be Catholic." Elaine: You see, I don't think it is a Catholic joke. I think it's more of a Raquel Welch joke. What was it? "No, I said hand me the buoys." (Laughing) Bouys! Jerry: Don't you see what Whatley is after? Total joke telling immunity. He's already got the two big religions covered. If he ever gets Polish citizenship there'll be no stopping him. Father: Tell me your sins, my son. Jerry: Well I should tell you that I'm Jewish. Father: That's no sin. Jerry: Oh good. Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about Dr. Whatley. I have a suspicion that he's converted to Judaism just for the jokes. Father: And this offends you as a Jewish person. Jerry: No, it offends me as a comedian. George: Well, we were engaged to be married, uh, we bought the wedding invitations, and, uh, yada yada yada, I'm still single. Marcy: So what's she doing now? George: Yada. Marcy: Speaking of exes, my old boyfriend came over late last night, and, yada yada yada, anyway--I'm really tired today. Elaine: Beth, Arnie, hi. What's up? Arnie: Well our adoption application was denied. Elaine: Really. Beth: The adoption agent seems to feel that Arnie has a violent temper. Elaine: Oh. Beth: So we're just asking our friends what they may have said to the adoption agent. Elaine: Uh, you know, I just told them what kind people you are and, uh, yada yada yada, that is it. George: Listen to this. Marcy comes up and she tells me her ex-boyfriend was over late last night, and "yada yada yada, I'm really tired today." You don't think she yada yada'd sex. Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex. George: Really? Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisk, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again. Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part. Elaine: No--I mentioned the bisk. Marcy: He's moving to Seattle. We wanted to say goodbye, I was just getting out of the shower, and yada yada yada-- George: All right, enough! Enough! From now on, no more yada yadas. Just give me the full story. Marcy: Okay. George: Tell me about the free facial. Marcy: Okay, well, like I said I was on 3rd Avenue, and I stopped by a large department store. George: Which one? Marcy: Bloomingdale's. George: Very good. Go on. Marcy: Oh, and I stole a Piaget watch. George: What's that? Marcy: And then, I was on such a... high, that I went upstairs to the salon on the fifth floor, and got a massage and facial, and skipped out on the bill. The Office U.K. - "Training" Two and a Half Men 1.16 - "An Old Flame With a New Wick" Two and a Half Men 2.23 - "Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab" Two and a Half Men 1.12 - "Camel Filters + Pheromones" South Park - "Good Times With Weapons" South Park - "Trapped in a Closet Sanford and Son 2.6 - "The Card Sharps" - Aaron Ruben, Ray Galton, Alan Simpson 3rd Rock From the Sun - Dial M for Dick Beavis and Butt-head 4.28 - "Beavis and Butt-head vs. the Vending Machine" Mama's Family - "The Really Loud Family" Married with Children 5.5 - "The Dance Show" Pete: I just think you ought to know, that your wife has been seeing my husband. Al: Let me get this straight. Pardon the expression. You say that your husband is running around with my wife? Pete: Yes. Al: Your husband? Pete: Yes. Al: You know you're a guy, right? Pete: Yes. Al: Wait a second. You--you work, you cook, and you like sports? Pete: Yeah. Except for soccer. I mean, that's not really a man's game. Al: I love you. Pete: I want my husband back. Isn't there any way you can talk to him? Al: Hm, uh, I don't know, Pete. What about us? Won't that interfere with our quality time? Pete: No. No, no, Al. I'll make time. I'll make time for you. We'll go to a ball game. I'll make us a picnic basket with crispy fried chicken. Huh? Huh? I'll even get you your very own bowl. Al: My own dog bowl? With just my name on it? Al: (to Andy) Look, I don't care what you're doing with my wife. But you got a good man at home that any man would be proud to call his wife. He cooks, he cleans, he works. You've obviously gotten over that little "he's a man" thing. So, what else do you want from the poor guy? Al: Now you go home and tell your wife that you love him. Andy: You're right, Al. And if you don't mind my saying so, you should go tell your wife you love her. Al: Mind your own business. Family Guy - Emission Impossible Frasier 5.14 - "The Ski Lodge" - Joe Keenan Martin: I don't need a hearing aid! My hearing will be back to normal in no time. Daphne: You said that two days ago. Soon you won't be able to hear a word I say. Martin: Gee, wouldn't that be a tragedy? He turns back to the game. Daphne scowls and walks behind the chair. Martin: [taking a shot] I heard that. Daphne: I didn't say anything! Annie: I've never been divorced myself, but my last boyfriend was... eventually. Frasier: Guy! Guy: You are not the Crane I want! Frasier: You're not even the sex I want! Niles: (to Frasier) Oh my God! What are you doing in here with Guy? Guy: Don't be jealous, Niles, it's not how it looks! Guy: Could Niles and I please have some privacy? Annie: [to Niles] You're just putting the moves on everyone, aren't you? Niles: Would you kindly get out of my bed? I am not gay, Guy. Guy: Please, acknowledge your true nature! Stop chasing these lesbians! Daphne: Lesbians?! 83m Bridget Jones's Diary The Full Monty Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Cars Spaceballs The Ladykillers Happy Gilmore Ghostbusters II South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut 83c Cheech & Chong - Cheech & Chong 83l SNL “Point/Counterpoint” Dec. 16, 1798 SNL - "King Tut" The Howard Stern Show - Sal Interviews Obama Supporters in Harlem 82s The Office 2.12 - "The Injury" - Mindy Kaling The Office - "The Dundies" It's Always Sunny 3.10 - "Mac is a Serial Killer" Married with Children 1.11 - "Nightmare on Al's Street" STEVE Al, I’m horny. What are you gonna do about it? Party Down - "James Rolf High School Reunion" Party Down – "Steve Guttenberg's Birthday" Modern Family 1.9 - "Fizbo" Cameron: Hey Phil. Are, uh, you getting a clown for today? Phil: Oh… no. Luke, uh, Luke’s not much of a clown fan. Cameron: …Really? Phil: Yeah, he never liked them. Cameron: Has he ever seen a good one? Phil: Has… has anyone? Really, so… thanks again. Cameron: You know what? We haven’t gotten Luke a present yet. Maybe a clown could be our present. Mitchell: Cameron, Cameron… If Phil and Claire wanted to get Luke a clown, they would have. Modern Family 1.23 - Hawaii Jay: I want the biggest cheeseburger you got. Instead of salad, I want fries. Instead of fruit, I want chili fries. Gloria: Jay, I'm gonna go to the gym to work out a little bit. You want to come with me? Jay: I just ordered an extra-long straw to avoid accidentally doing a sit-up. Cameron: When Mitchell and I first met, I may have exaggerated my interest in adventurous travel by implying that I had any. Mitchell: Think about what you're missing, Cam. It's an entire ranch full of lavender. Cameron: You're not making the compeling case you think you are. Gloria: Thought that one of the advantages of marrying an older guy was that I was going to be able to relax. But all the swimming and running and rowing. It's just like how some of my relatives got into this country. Family Guy - Stewie Kills Lois & Lois Kills Stewie 82m Sister Act Barbershop 82c 82l SNL - "Choppin' Broccoli" SNL 5.20 - "Lord & Lady Douchebag" Lord Worcestershire: A marvelous entertainment, Salisbury! These chopped steaks are terrific, especially with this delicious mushroom sauce. Lord Salisbury: Thank you, Coming from you, Worcestershire, that certainly is a compliment. Nobleman: Tell me, have you seen Lord Cardigan? Noblewoman: I understand he was turned away at the door. Nobleman: Lord Cardigan? Why in heaven's name? Noblewoman: He wasn't properly attired. Evidently, he came in a sweater. Nobleman: Odd. I saw Lord Ascot, and he got in. Earl of Sandwich: Nothing has ever been named after a member of my family. Servant: Excuse me, your Lordship, but would you care for one of Lord Salisbury's steaks? Earl of Sandwich: Yes, I would. Would you bring it to me with a couple slices of pumpernickel, please? Butler: Lord and Lady Doucebag! Lord Salisbury: Well, well, well. I was just asking Lord Sandwich, "Where the devil are those Douchebags?" Lady Doucebag: Well, it has been impossible to get him out of his workshop! He has been working day and night. Lord Salisbury: You, Douchebag? Well, I wasn't aware you dabbled in that sort of thing. What in heaven's name are you working on? Lord Doucebag: Well, I would be happy to tell you. But perhaps after you have finished eating. Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag, how are you? I haven't seen you in the House of Lords in ages! Don't tell me for the first time in memory we are going to have a House of Parliament without a Douchebag? Lord Doucebag: My dear Sandwich, Parliament has always had its share of Douchebags, and it always will. Lord Salisbury: Spoken like a true Douchebag. I have often heard the King speak of your family.. [ to Earl of Sandwich ] ..and of yours, as well: "Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag, and there is nothing I cannot do." Earl of Sandwich: Here, here! Lord Salisbury: So, tell me, Douchebag.. when are you going to show us that invention of yours? Earl of Sandwich: Yes, Douchebag, just what kind of an invention are you sitting on? Lord Doucebag: Well, it's a long story. Why don't we go out to the garden, and I'll explain it to you. Earl of Sandwich: Tell me - did Lady Douchebag help you in the project? Lord Doucebag: Help? Why.. she was the inspiration! Jenna Marbles - "How To Avoid Talking To People You Don't Want To Talk To" 81s King of the Hill 1.10 - Keeping Up With Our Joneses Cheers 10.25-26 - "An Old Fashioned Wedding" 81m The King of Comedy 81c Doug Stanhope - No Refunds Kathleen Madigan - Gone Madigan Richard Pryor - Live and Smokin’ Bob and Doug McKenzie (Rick Moranis and Dave Thomas) - The Great White North< Robert Klein - Mind Over Matter Sinbad - Gabriel Iglesias - Hot and Fluffy Henny Youngman Margaret Cho Steve Harvey Mort Sahl Tim Allen Jaime Foxx Wanda Sykes: I’ma Be Me Kevin James Eddie Griffin Sarah Silverman - Jesus is Magic Cedric the Entertainer DL Hughley Dave Attell - Skanks For The Memories 81l 80s Three's Company - "The Bake-Off" The Odd Couple - "The Flying Felix" 85 Yout Enthusiasm - "The Ski Lift" Curb Yout Enthusiasm 3.10 - "The Grand Opening" All in the Family - "The Bunkers and the Swingers" - Lee Kalcheim, Michael Ross, Bernard West, Norman Lear CBS Sanford and Son - "Blood is Thicker than Junk" Sanford and Son - "Piano Movers" Futurama 3.5 - "Amazon Women in the Mood" - Lewis Morton LEELA What planet is this larry ? ZAPP (mumbling) I 'unno. (talking) This whole sector is uncharted. KIF It is not uncharted, you lost the chart! Community - "Modern Warfare" 80m Clueless Scary Movie Fletch Raising Arizona Swingers - Jon Favreau TRENT I'm telling you, baby, you always double down on an eleven. TRENT Baby, you're money. You're the big winner. MIKE Let's go. TRENT Who's the big winner? Mikey's the big winner. MIKE That was so fuckin' money. It was like that "Jedi mind" shit. TRENT That's what I'm telling you, baby. The babies love that stuff. ROB There's just something about being "Goofy". Any other Disney character would be fine. There's just this stigma associated with the character. SUE You are so money, and you don't even know it... TRENT That's what I keep trying to tell him.( to Mike) You're so money, you don't even know... MIKE Please, don't mess with me right now... TRENT We're not messing with you... SUE ... we're not... TRENT You're like this big beer with claws and fangs... SUE ... and big fuckin' teeth... TRENT ... and teeth... And she's like this little bunny cowering in the corner... SUE ...shivering... TRENT ... And you're just looking at your claws like "How do I kill this bunny?"... SUE ...You're just poking at it... TRENT ... Yeah. You're just gently batting it around... and the rabbit's all scared... SUE ... and you got big claws and fangs... TRENT ... and fangs... and you're like "I don't know what to do. How do I kill this bunny?"... SUE ... you're like a big bear. TRENT Now when you talk to her, I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie that everyone's pulling for. I want you to be the guy in the rated R movie who you're not sure if you like. MIKE How long do I wait to call? TRENT A day. MIKE Tomorrow? TRENT No... SUE ... Tomorrow, then a day. TRENT ... Yeah. MIKE So, two days? TRENT Yeah. I guess you could call it that. SUE Definitely. Two days. That's the industry standard... TRENT (to Sue. shop talk) ... I used to wait two days. Now everyone waits two days. Three days is kinda money now, don't you think? SUE ... Yeah. But two's enough not to look anxious... TRENT Yeah, but three days is kinda the money... MIKE (interrupting sarcastically) Why don't I just wait three weeks and tell her I was cleaning out my wallet and found her number... CHARLES ... then ask where you met her... MIKE Yeah, I'll tell her I don't remember and then I'll ask what she looks like. (pause) Then I'll ask if we fucked. How's that, Tee? Is that "the money"? NIKKI (recorded) Hi. This is Nikki. Leaves a message. (beep) MIKE I just got out of a six-year relationship. Okay? That should help to explain why I'm acting so weird. It's not you. It's me. I just wanted to say that. Sorry. (pause) This is Mike.(beep) NIKKI(recorded) Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.(beep) MIKE Hi, Nikki. Mike. I don't think this is working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, really. It's me. It's only been six months...Midnight Run Paul Blart: Mall Cop Slap Shot Sleeper Stir Crazy 80c Eddie Izzard - Dress to Kill If you’re a transvestite, you get lumped into that weirdo grouping. You know, there was a guy in the Bronx, when I was in New York – there was a guy in the Bronx – who – he was living in a cave – like you do, and, uh, and he was coming out and shooting at geese and uh, ha – ha – a lot of weird things going on with this guy – and they found in his cave – the police picked him up – they found a collection of women’s shoes and they thought, “Maybe he’s a transvestite, and if he is, he’s a fucking weirdo transvestite!” I’m much more in the executive transvestite area. Travel the world, yes, it’s much more executive. Like J. Edgar Hoover – what a fuckhead he was. They found out when he died that he was a transvestite and they go, “Well, that explains his weird behav – ” yeah, fucking weirdo transvestite! Executive transvestite. It’s a log – lot wider community – more wide than you’d think. And Queen Victoria became empress of India. She never even fucking went there. And they built Stonehenge – one of the biggest henges in the world. No one’s built a henge like that ever since. No one knows what the fuck a henge is. So I had to go see a chiropractor, in New York. And um, they’re different to osteopaths, chiropractors, because of the spelling. And, uhÖ Of course, they’re both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. But they went to the moon, Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin – and Neil Ki – and Michael Collins, going round and round, in – uh, working out the IRA thing. And uhÖ And Neil stepped on the moon and said, “One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind.” ... Cause you gotta say something. You can’t go down to the moon and go, “Ooh, it’s all sticky! It’s covered in jam.” Robin Williams - Live on Broadway Kathy Griffin - Allegedly Tom Lehrer - An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer George Carlin - Carlin at Carnegie Larry the Cable Guy - Morning Constitutions Steve Harvey - One Man Paula Poundstone - Cops, Cats, and Stuff Chris Rock - Kill the Messenger Dane Cook - Comedy Central Presents Damon Wayans - One Night Stand Gallagher - Gallagher Bill Cosby - 49 Bill Cosby - Those of You With or Without Children, You’ll Understand Bill Cosby - Wonderfulness Dane Cook - Isolated Incident 80l The Howard Stern Show - "Iron Sheik Interview 8/2/07" SNL - "Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker" SNL - "Star Trek Convention" SNL - "Stefon's Halloween Tips" 79s I Love Lucy - "Off to Florida" I Love Lucy - Ethel's Hometown Louie 3.12 - Late Show: Part 3 Will & Grace 6.2 - "Last Ex To Brooklyn" Two and a Half Men 4.6 - "Apologies for the Frivolity" Two and a Half Men 1.3 - "Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell" Home Movies 4.4 - "Bye Bye Greasy" Friends - The One with the Thanksgiving Flashbacks - Greg Malins (A large turkey is tuck on Joey's head) Joey: It's stuck! Monica: Well, I don't care! That-that turkey has to feed 20 people at my parent's house and they're not gonna eat it off your head! Phoebe: All right, hold on! Okay, let's just all think. 79m Up in Smoke Arthur 79c Brett Butler - The Child Ain’t Right Bobcat Goldthwait - Is He Like That All the Time? Paul Mooney - Jesus Is Black--So Was Cleopatra Gilbert Gottfried Phyllis Diller Larry Miller John Pinette Buddy Hackett Hannibal Buress - My Name is Hannibal Hannibal Buress - Animal Furnace Janeane Garofalo - HBO Comedy Half Hour Dick Gregory - In Living Black & White Bill Burr - Let It Go Andrew Dice Clay - The Day The Laughter Died Cheech & Chong - Big Bambu Mitch Hedberg - Strategic Grill Locations Mitch Hedberg - Do You Believe in Gosh? Richard Lewis: I'm In Pain Greg Giraldo - Midlife Vices John Mulaney - New in Town Eno Philips - E=mo2 79l 78s The Simpsons 8.14 - The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show" KRUSTY I hope you enjoyed my one-man pie fight, kids! MAN Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left. RALPH (with knob in mouth) My knob tastes funny. MAN Please refrain from tasting the knob. a muscle-bound man in bikini trunks flexes in front of the camera. Nelson turns Milhouse's knob repeatedly to the right. MILHOUSE Hey, quit it! MEYERS They like Itchy, they like Scratchy, one kid seems to love the Speedo man. BELLAMY I started out [voice acting] as Roadrunner. Meep! HOMER You mean "meep-meep"? BELLAMY No. They only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it up on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards. HOMER So, what did everybody think? Nobody answers and they start leaving. NED Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen! CARL Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer, you, uh... got a beautiful home here. Nelson punches Bart on his way out. HOMER Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I? (pan up to brain) BRAIN Oh, you don't want to know what I really think. Now look sad and say "D'oh". HOMER D'oh... HOMER Uh, hi, Mr. Meyers. I've been doing some thinking, and I've got some ideas to improve the show. I got it right here. (pulls out a piece of paper) One, Poochie needs to be louder, angrier, and have access to a time machine. Two, whenever Poochie's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking "Where's Poochie"? KRUSTY Poochie's dead! (laughs) (kids in audience cheer) Well kids, we all know that sometimes when cartoon characters die, they're back again the very next week. That's why I'm presenting this sworn affidavit that Poochie will never, ever, ever return! 78m 78c Tom Lehrer - That Was The Year That Was George Lopez - America's Mexican 78l 77s Cheers 1.1 - "Give Me a Ring Sometime" NewsRadio 2.9 - "The Cane" DAVE: Hey Bill, something wrong with your leg? BILL: Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking. DAVE: Oh ... Well, if there's nothing wrong with your leg, then ... uh why the cane? BILL: Wha? DAVE: The cane. The walking stick. BILL: Oh, you mean my cane! Yeah, I picked it up at an antique store during lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old, hand carved mahogany with a [taps cane] solid brass tip. What's wrong Dave, don't you like my cane? DAVE: Again Bill, why do you _have_ a cane? BILL: [To Catherine] You like my cane, don't you Catherine? CATH: It's a cane, Bill. Who cares? BILL: You see, it's like the old saying, "Everybody loves a cane" BILL: Where's my cane? It was hanging right here. Has anyone seen my cane? DAVE: I didn't take it, Bill. BILL: Then where is it? DAVE: I dunno, maybe it took itself for a stroll. JIMY: Anyway so, who's got something? LISA/DAVE: I do./Well I ... JIMY: Joe? JOE : We could set up a fully interactive online website for our listeners. JIMY: Good! Anyone else? Bill? BILL: An immediate and comprehensive probe into the dissapearance of office canes. The Andy Griffith Show 1.11 - "The Christmas Story" - Frank Tarloff/David Adler The Andy Griffith Show 3.27 - Barney's First Car Beavis and Butt-head 7.11 - "Nose Bleed" Beavis and Butt-head - “Late Night with Butt-Head” Maude - "The Analyst" - Jay Folb Mama's Family - "Bubba's House Band" Mama's Family - "An Ill Wind" All in the Family - "Cousin Liz" - Harve Brosten, Barry Michael Harman, Bob Schiller, Bob Weiskopf All in the Family - "The Saga of Cousin Oscar" - Norman Lear & Burt Styler Cheers 5.21 - "Simon Says" Cheers 5.20 - "Dinner at Eight-ish" The Dick Van Dyke Show 2.33 / 3.5 - "All About Eavesdropping" - Sheldon Keller, Howard Merrill The Brady Bunch 2.15 - "Will the Real Jan Brady Please Stand Up?" The Brady Bunch - Her Sister's Shadow The Brady Bunch 3.6 - "The Personality Kid" The Brady Bunch 4.18 - "The Subject Was Noses" The Brady Bunch 5.1 - "Adios, Johnny Bravo" 77m Bringing Up Baby Horse Feathers The Birdcage Lost in America "Crocodile" Dundee II Hot Fuzz 77c Billy Crystal - 700 Sundays Aziz Ansari - Intimate Moments For A Sensual Evening Bill Burr - Why Do I Do This? 771 The Howard Stern Show - Rich Cronin Interview 76s Everybody Loves Raymond 6.1 - "The Angry Family" - Philip Rosenthal Teacher: That was a wonderful and very imaginative story. And now we have Ian. Frank: Oh, crap. Michael: The Angry Family. The daddy was mad at the mommy. The mommy was mad at the daddy. The mommy and daddy were very mad at the grandpa. dThe grandma got mad at everybody. Ray: Okay, everyone, could we all please just go home? Debra's right. We gotta talk to Michael. Frank: You gonna punish him? I want input. Well, my feelings are hurt. Mine, too! Nobody cares! I'm writing my own book. Get out. That's the title. Michael, could you come in here, please? Be careful what you say. Don't worry. He writes it down. I loved your story, Michael. Said Daddy. ULook, those stories were supposed to be a surprise for the parents. A surprise for the parents? I think the surprise is, you get to the school and there's an open bar. uAlthough I will say, there are times when you seem to yell for no reason. dPlease stop. dUch, what are you doing right now? This is who you are. Why can't you just talk about things, huh? Talk! Debra: Eileen you have no idea what I have to put up with. When I got married, I didn't just get a husband, I got a whole freak show that set up their tent right across the street. Hi, everyone. I'm Adam Burke, and I am the school's counselor, but I like to think of myself more as a facilitator. Frank: Oh, Jeez. Frank: Hey, Father, let me ask you somethin'. Would you know who invented the lawn? dAnd you, you-you allow that, Father Hubley? Shame on you. Hey, listen, Michael, we really loved your story you wrote, and we learned a lot from it. I like that cartoon. What cartoon? Monster Maniacs. They're really funny. They're always yelling. Modern Family - Disneyland Modern Family - Fulgencio Modern Family - Las Vegas Modern Family 1.2 The Bicycle Thief Modern Family 1.15 - "My Funky Valentine" - Jerry Collins Claire : What would you say to a little... role playing? Phil : Role playing? Claire : Why don't you meet me in the hotel bar and see if you can pick me up there? Phil : I probably shouldn't be talking to you. I'm a married man. Claire : Ah. Well, I just so happen to like married men. Tell me about your wife. Phil : Well, she's beautiful, of course. Claire : Really? Well, if she's so very beautiful, why are you here with me? Phil : Because she's always so tired, and she's always making lists of things for me to do. Claire : Maybe if you did them, she wouldn't be so tired. Phil : Oh, no, she can make lists for days. But back to your mouth and how sexy it is. Claire : Unh-unh. I want to go back to these alleged lists and your nagging wife. The Office - "Goodbye, Michael" Friends - "The One With Ross's Sandwich" - Andrew Reich & Ted Cohen Joey: I'm Joey. Yeah. I'm disgusting, I take my underwear off in other people's homes. Joey: Can we please drop this? Rachel: But I don't get it. Does anybody else just take off their underwear when they're hot? Chandler: (reading Ross's note) Knock-knock. Who's there? Ross Geller's lunch. Ross Geller's lunch, who? Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me--okay? Joey: I'm Joey. I mean, I'm disgusting. I make low-budget adult films. Joey: You guys promised you'd be more careful! I mean, come on! The good Joey name is being dragged through the mud here! Rachel: Yes! He has a naked picture of Monica! He takes naked pictures of us! And then he eats chicken and looks at them! Phoebe: All right, wait! Just wait. Everybody just calm down. Okay? Let's give our friend Joey a chance to explain why he's such a big pervert! Monica: I guess I wanted to keep it [Joey's underwear] ... as a souvenir. Ross: Unbelievable! I mean you really kept Joey's underwear?! Why? Why would you do that?! Monica: I'm Monica. I'm disgusting. I stalk guys and keep their underpants. According to Jim 2.10 - "The Christmas Party" Will & Grace 5.2 - "Bacon and Eggs" - Alex Herschlag The Honeymooners 1.5 - "A Matter of Life And Death" Dick Gersh: Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend? Ed Norton: P.S., 31 Oyster Bay. Dick Gersh: No, I mean, what d school? Ralph: Oh, uh, he went to Oxford. Dick Gersh: Oh, in England. Ed Norton: Is that where it is? Dick Gersh: You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England? Ed Norton: Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was. The Honeymooners - A Matter of Record RALPH: Alice! Remember me promising I was gonna get you two tickets to take you to a real Broadway show? ALICE: Yeah, I remember. That was Thursday, August the fifth, 1942. ALICE: Ralph, you mean the tickets are for tonight? RALPH: Yeah. ALICE: My mother's coming tonight. She'll be here any minute. I can't go. It's impossible. RALPH: I'm not going to the show! Alice's mother, the blabbermouth, has to come in here. She's gotta tell me the ending to the show. "It wasn't the uncle that killed her, it was the husband that killed her." Two tickets ruined! NORTON: Well, just gimme my ticket. I'll go. RALPH: How can you be so stupid, Norton. Why do you wanna go? You know the finish as well as I do. NORTON: You call me stupid, huh? You call me stupid? Just so happens it don't make no difference at all if I know the finish. It doesn't make no difference at all. I'll just wait until it's almost to the end of the show, and then I'll get up and walk out. RALPH: Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice. It's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean. She's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't've got mad at that. I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the same old way, Alice! She's a BLAH-BER-MOUTH, Alice! a BLAH-BER-MOUTH! The Honeymooners 1.2 - "Funny Money" The Honeymooners 1.20 - "Young At Heart" Ed Norton: (to Ralph) Boy oh boy--how can anyone so round be so square? I Love Lucy 3.5 - "Lucy Tells the Truth" I Love Lucy 2.19 - "Ricky Has Labor Pains" I Love Lucy - "Lucy Fakes Illness" Ricky: Now Lucy, what are you trying to do? Lucy: Lucy? Is that my name? Ricky: Honey, are you sure you're well? Lucy: No, I'm not. Ricky: Could it possibly be that you're suffering from magnesia? Lucy: Amnesia! Fred: How's Lucy? Does she still think she's a child? Ricky: Yeah. She's in the bedroom with Ethel. They're playing jacks. Fake Doctor: Frankly Mrs. Ricardo, you've contracted a terrible, terrible attack of the go-bloots. ... It seems, it seems it came into the country on the hind legs of the booshoo bird. Lucy: I got the go-bloots from a booshoo bird? Fake Doctor: If you turn green, a half hour later, (snaps) gone. Ricky: Lucy, I have something to tell you, honey. Lucy: What? Ricky: There's no such thing as the go-bloots. Lucy: How can you look me in my green eye and say that? Ricky: Well, honey, you're not green either. Show her, Fred. Fred: All right. Lucy: A green light bulb? I Love Lucy 1.4 - "Lucy Thinks Ricky Is Trying to Murder Her" - Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. 76m 76c 76l Bette Midler - Divine Madness 75s 75m Kingpin Christmas Vacation Galaxy Quest The Mask Magic Mike Zoolander The Mighty Ducks Dr. Dolittle Austin Powers in Goldmember The Addams Family (1991 Film) Bull Durham Stripes Beetlejuice Adam's Rib What's up Doc? Billy Madison 75c Kyle Kinane - Death of the Party Kyle Kinane - Whiskey Icarus Denis Leary - Lock N' Load Patton Oswalt - My Weakness Is Strong Patton Oswalt - Feelin' Kinda Patton Patton Oswalt - Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time Patton Oswalt - Finest Hour Maria Bamford - The Special Special Special! Patrice O'Neal - Elephant in the Room Demetri Martin - Richard Jeni - A Big Steaming Pile Of Me Jim Norton - Louis CK - HBO One Night Stand 74s I Love Lucy - “Ethel’s Birthday” Modern Family - Coal Digger Modern Family 3.24 Baby on Board Modern Family 4.24 - "Goodnight Gracie" - Steven Levitan & Jeffrey Richman Modern Family 2.8 Manny Get Your Gun Modern Family 1.24 Family Portrait Modern Family 3.19 - Election Day Modern Family 2.19 The Musical Man Modern Family - Earthquake Family Guy - "Petarded" Roseanne 2.15 - "An Officer And A Gentleman" Roseanne 4.4 - "Darlene Fades To Black" Roseanne - "War and Peace" Roseanne 5.13 - "Crime and Punishment" Just Shoot Me 1.6 - "Lemon Wacky Hello" Larry Sanders Show - "Off Camera" The Simpsons 6.15 - "Homie the Clown" The Simpsons - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment" The Simpsons 8.8 - "Flaming Moe's" NewsRadio 1.3 - "Smoking" Taxi - "Jim the Psychic" 74m Dazed and Confused House Party I’m Gonna Git You Sucka Moonstruck 50 First Dates Harold and Maude Rush Hour 2 The Brady Bunch Movie This is the End The Hangover Part II 74c 74l The Howard Stern Show - Richard Gets a Brazillian / Bikini Wax Stan Freberg - The Very Best Of / The History of the United States of America Isabella: Well, why don't you go to art school like your friend da Vinci? I'll put you through. Columbus: Look, if Lenny wants to starve to death, that's up to Lenny. Me, I want to discover the New World; carry out my dream . . Ferdinand: Dullsville, same old . . . Hey, who's that? Isabella: Oh, you remember Christopher Columbus. Ferdinand: Oh, you mean old "Round, Round World?" You and your Bohemian friends. Isabella: He's not Bohemian. He's Italian. Columbus: I s’pose. Well, I’d like to put a little deposit down on the property here. Native: Okay. Columbus: I only have a few dubloons on me, so if you’ll direct me to the nearest bank, I’ll get a check cashed. Native: You out of luck today. Banks closed. Columbus: Oh? Why? Native: Columbus Day. SNL - Daily Affirmations SNL - “Sarah Palin and Hillary Clinton Address the Nation” Sex and the City - "The Drought Sex and the City - "One" lis 73s Friends - "The One Where Ross Got High" - Greg Malins Chandler: When they (your parents) come over, I will be all charming, I will make them fall in love with me, and then we’ll tell them (that we're living together). Monica: You really think that’ll work? Chandler: Hey, I can be pretty charming, babe. I won YOU over, didn’t I? Monica: (hugging Chandler) I don’t think you’ll ever get my parents that drunk. Chandler: Ross sure is a great guy. You know, I’ve always felt that how a young man turns out is a reflection on his father. Mr. Geller: I always thought that, too. Tell me, what does your father do? Chandler: ... He’s the headliner of a gay burlesque show. Ross: Okay, I think I might know why my parents don’t like you. Chandler: You do? Why? Ross: Okay, remember, we were young? Hey, Spring break, sophomore year, I got high in my bedroom and my parents walked in and smelled it, and so I told them that you had gotten stoned and jumped out the window. Ross: How was I supposed to know we’d end up being friends after college, let alone you-you would be living with my sister? Chandler: What about all that “friends forever” stuff? Ross: I don’t know, I-I was all high. Monica: Mom and dad just sent me in here to find out if you (points to Chandler) were trying to get Ross stoned! Chandler: (referring to Rachel's dessert) Yeah, this is so good, that I’m gonna go enjoy it on the balcony Ross: It tastes like feet! Joey: I like it. Ross: Are you kidding? Joey: What’s not to like? Custard? Good. Jam? Good. Meat? Gooooood. Rachel: So a bird just grabbed it? ... Chandler: Yes. But if it’s any consolation, before the bird dropped it, he seemed to enjoy it. Ross: Yeah, well, Hurricane Gloria didn’t break the porch swing. Monica did! Mr. Geller: Monica, and Ross! I don’t know what I’m gonna do about the two of you! Chandler: (In a parent-like tone) I’ll talk to them! The Golden Girls - "Break In" The Golden Girls - "It's a Miserable Life" The Office - "Niagara" - Greg Daniels & Mindy Kaling Will & Grace 4.16 - "A Chorus Lie" 3rd Rock From the Sun 4.21 - "Dick vs. Strudwick" - David Israel & Jim O'Doherty, Sotry by Gregg Mettler 3rd Rock From the Sun - "Frozen Dick" Two and a Half Men 6.24 - "Baseball Was Better With Steroids" Two and a Half Men 4.11 - "Walnuts and Demerol" Two and a Half Men 8.15 - "Three Hookers and a Philly Cheesesteak" NewsRadio - Public Domain All in the Family 1.1 - "Meet the Bunkers" - Norman Lear The Big Bang Theory 1.11 - The Pancake Batter Anomaly Sheldon: Checkmate. Leonard: O-o-o-o-h! Again? Sheldon: Obviously you’re not well suited for three-dimensional chess, perhaps three dimensional candyland would be more your speed. Howard’s Mother: Well who’s calling at this ungodly hour? Howard: I don’t know. Howard’s Mother: Well ask them why they’re calling at this ungodly hour. Howard: How can I ask them when I’m talking to you! (Into phone) Hello. Leonard: Howard, it’s Leonard, code Milky Green. Howard: Dear Lord, not Milky Green! Leonard: Affirmative, with fever. Howard’s Mother: Who’s on the phone. Howard: It’s Leonard. Howard’s Mother: Why is he calling. Howard: Sheldon’s sick. Howard’s Mother: Were you playing with him? Howard: For God’s sake, Ma, I’m twenty six years old. Howard’s Mother: Excuse me Mr Grown-up. Whadda-ya want for breakfast. Howard: Chocolate milk and eggoes please! Leonard: You call Koothrappali, we need to find a place to lay low for the next eighteen to twenty four hours. Penny (over Sheldon’s strange throat clearance): Why didn’t you just…. (louder throat clearance) Why didn’t you just have soup at home. Sheldon: Penny. I have an IQ of 187. Don’t you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it? Sheldon: Will you please rub this on my chest? Penny: Oh, Sheldon, can’t you do that yourself? Sheldon: Vaporub makes my hands smell funny. Penny: But Sheldon…. Sheldon: Please, please, please, please, please, please, please. Penny: I can’t believe I’m doing this. Sheldon: No, no, counter-clockwise or my chest hair mats. Penny: Sorry. Sheldon: Can you sing “Soft Kitty”. Penny: What? Sheldon: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick. Penny: I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know it. Sheldon: I’ll teach you. “Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr.” Now you. Penny: You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon. Leonard: Well, I had to, you see what he’s like. Sheldon (off): Penny! Penny, I’m hungry. Taxi - "Latka the Playboy" The Jack Benny Program - "3/28/48 (Your Money or Your Life)" CROOK: Hey bud, bud. JACK: Huh? CROOK: Got a match? JACK: Match? Yes, I have one right here. CROOK: Don't make a move. This is a stick-up. JACK: What? CROOK: You heard me. JACK: Mister, mister, put down that gun. CROOK: Shut up. Now come on. Your money or your life. ... Look, bud--I said your money or your life. JACK: I'm thinking it over! 73c Dane Cook - Rough Around the Edges: Live from Madison Square Garden 73l 72s Green Acres - "A Square Is Not Round" The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "Put on a Happy Face" The Larry Sanders Show - "Arthur After Hours" - Peter Tolan The Golden Girls 2.5 - "Isn't It Romantic?" Seinfeld 2.11 - "The Chinese Restaurant" - Larry David & Jerry Seinfeld Bruce: It'll be five, ten minutes. Elaine: I feel like just going over there and taking some food off somebody's plate. Jerry: I'll tell you what. There's 50 bucks in it for you if you do it. Elaine: What do you mean? Jerry: You walk over that table, you pick up an eggroll, you don't say anything, you eat it, say 'thank you very much', wipe your mouth, walk away- I give you 50 bucks. Elaine: Should I do it, George? George: For 50 bucks? I'd put my face in the soup and blow. Jerry: Excuse me. We've been waiting here [for a table]. Now, I KNOW we were ahead of that guy. He just came in. Bruce: Oh no, Mr. Cohen always here. Elaine: He's always here? What does that mean? What does that mean? Bruce: Oh, Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue. George: Excuse me, I'm expecting a call. Costanza? Bruce: Yeah, I just got a call. I yell 'Cartwright! Cartwright!', just like that. Nobody came up, I hang up. George: Well, was it for Costanza or... Bruce: Yes, yes, that's it. Nobody answered. George: Well was it a woman? Bruce: Yeah, yeah. I tell her you not here, she said curse word, I hang up. George: She called. He yelled Cartwright. I missed her. Jerry: Who's Cartwright? George: I'm Cartwright! Jerry: You're not Cartwri- George: Of course I'm not Cartwright! Jerry: I can't go to a bad movie by myself. Who am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to--strangers? Friends 1.7 - "The One With the Blackout" 72m The Man With Two Brains American Pie 2 High Anxiety Jewel of the Nile Grumpy Old Men Stuart Little Beauty Shop 72c Eddie Griffin - DysFunktional Family 72l 71s Family Guy 10.5 - "Back to the Pilot The Golden Girls 2.2 - "Ladies of the Evening" - Barry Fanaro, Mort Nathan Girls, you see that man over there staring at me? He's undressing me with his eyes. Do you wanna move tables? Not yet, he's only half done. If you don't wanna party, there are younger girls that'll take our money. Girls who'll take their money. You know what he thinks we are? Waitresses? No, Rose. Hookers. The wagons will be here momentarily to transport all of you downtown. Downtown? He means jail. Oh, really, Rose. I thought he meant Neiman Marcus. I'm a known criminal. I can't go back to my home town. Nobody's ever gonna find out. Oh, yes, they will. The St Olaf Courier Dispatch is known for its investigative reporting. The Office - "Office Olympics" Everybody Loves Raymond 5.19 - "The Canister" - David Regal Robert: (to Ray and Debra) Wow. The Marie Barone apology. Until today, I had only heard about it. Debra: (To Ray and Robert) Okay--you listen to me. I got an apology! Do you have any idea what that means? She apologized to me. Okay, the whole balance of power shifted. Robert: Beautiful 15 seconds. Debra: We'll--we'll sneak it [the canister] in. We'll hide it in her house, and she'll just come across it someday, and she'll realize she was the one that was wrong. Ray: Except she wasn't wrong. Debra: So you're saying you don't love me? Ray: Okay. all right, fine. Sneak it back in. But when you say we'll sneak it back in, you mean you and Ally will sneak it back in--'cause that'll be great, like a take-your-daughter-to-work kind of thing. Marie: My canister. Where did you get that? Frank: I was hiding it from you. I thought it would be funny. Everybody Loves Raymond 6.15 - "Cookies" - Steve Skrovan Ray: Listen. Sorry about the joke before. I didn't mean... Peggy: (unemotionally) No, I enjoyed it immensely. It was very, very funny. What is it with you and "this woman"?! Ray: I don't like her! Peggy: Are you gonna move? Ray: I don't think so, Peggy. Peggy: Last chance. Ray: I'm right here. Debra: (to Peggy) Nobody beats up my husband. Ray: She didn't beat me up. Everybody Loves Raymond - "Tissues" The Golden Girls 7.18 - "Journey to the Center of Attention" Louie 2.8 - Subway/Pamela Sanford and Son - "The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection" The Big Bang Theory 3.18 - "The Pants Alternative" Sheldon: It amazes me how you constantly obsess over fictional details when there are more important things in the real world to worry about. For example, why wasn’t William Shatner in the new Star Trek movie? Penny: So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men? Sheldon: No. The X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men. Howard: Oh, that’s not a good name. Sheldon: Ah, the talking cure. Classical Freudian, good choice. If it will help speed things along, uh, my answers to the standard Rorschach ink blot test are A, a bat, B, a bat, C, a bat, and D, my father killing my mother with a hypodermic needle. The Big Bang Theory 3.8 - The Adhesive Duck Deficiency - Steven Molaro, Eric Kaplan & Maria Ferrari, Story by Chuck Lorre, Bill Prady & David Goetsch Penny: I slipped in the shower, And I think I dislocated my shoulder. Sheldon: Not surprising. You have no safety mat or adhesive stickers to allow for purchase on a surface with a low coefficient of static friction. Penny: What? Sheldon: Tubs are slippery. Penny: I know. I slipped. Sheldon: I see no organizational system in here [in your clothing drawers] whatsoever. Which panties do you wear on Mondays? Sheldon: We have to fill these [forms] out. Describe illness or injury. Penny: I dislocated my shoulder. Sheldon: All right. And how did the accident occur? Penny: You already know that. Sheldon: (Filling it up). Cause of accident: lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes? Penny: No. Sheldon: Kidney disease? Penny: No. Sheldon: Migraines? Penny: Getting one. Sheldon: Are you currently pregnant? Penny: No. Sheldon: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy Penny: (Giving him the look) Change migraine to yes. Sheldon: When was your last menstrual period? Penny: Oh. Next question! Sheldon: I'll put "In Progress." Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders. List all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety, etc. Penny: Oh my God, what the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?! Sheldon: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage. Penny: Ass. Sheldon: Possible Tourette's. All right. Moles, lesions or other skin conditions. Soup tattoo on right buttock. It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2.3 - "Dennis and Dee go on Welfare" - Rob McElhenney, Story by Charlie Day & Glenn Howerton & Rob McElhenney It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 3.9 - "Sweet Dee's Dating a Retarded Person" Seinfeld - "The Rye" - Carol Leifer FRANK: And who doesn't serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something! GEORGE: So, they didn't give you a piece of cake? Big deal. ESTELLE: It is a big deal. You're supposed to serve cake after a meal. I'm sorry. It's impolite. FRANK: Not impolite. It's stupid--that's what it is. You gotta be stupid to do something like that! ESTELLE: Your father's absolutely right. We're sitting there like idiots drinking coffee without a piece of cake! GEORGE: You stole the bread? FRANK: What do you mean stole? It's my bread. They didn't eat it. Why should I leave it there? GEORGE: Because we brought it for them! FRANK: Apparently, it wasn't good enough for them to serve. MRS. ROSS: Is it possible they took it back? SUSAN: Who would bring a bread and take it back? MR. ROSS: Those people, that's who. I think they're sick. Cheers 5.26 - "I Do, Adieu" Modern Family - "Pilot" - Steven Levitan & Christopher Lloyd Modern Family 4.7 - "Arrested" Modern Family - "Leap Day" The Honeymooners 1.33 - "Unconventional Behavior" I Love Lucy - In Palm Springs 71m Top Secret! Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein Juno - Diablo Cody Clue Mannequin Big Momma's House Silver Streak Short Circuit Summer School Super Troopers Born in East L.A. Rushmore Shampoo 71c 71l SNL - "Dick in a Box" 70s Cheers - "Home is the Sailor" The Office - "Booze Cruise" The Office - "Christmas Party" Friends - "The One With Chandler in a Box" - Michael Borkow Joey: Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler? Gunther: I thought YOU were Chandler. Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call [eye] doctor? Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I’m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye. [Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.] Chandler: What happened? What happened?! Joey: You kissed my girlfriend! Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard’s son, you’d be able to tell your kids that you slept with their grandfather. Phoebe: Do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That’s not how your dad used to do it." 30 Rock - "Rosemary's Baby" - Jack Burditt Family Guy - "Meet the Quagmires" The Honeymooners 1.6 - "The Sleepwalker" Alice: Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just gonna waste away to nothing. Ralph: She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away? Don't you care if I waste away? Alice: Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years. Ralph: How would you like to waste away on the moon? [Ralph and Norton are about to go to bed together when Ralph shows Norton a toothbrush] Ralph Kramden: Norton? Ed Norton: What? Ralph Kramden: Did you use my toothbrush? Ed Norton: I dunno. Ralph Kramden: What do you mean you don't know? Ed Norton: Well, you got a red toothbrush and I got a red toothbrush. They was layin' side by side and I didn't know which was which, so I just went, "Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo." Ralph Kramden: [holds up toothbrush] Is this Mo? Ed Norton: [looks at toothbrush] Yep, that's Mo all right. Ralph Kramden: Well, for your information, Mo happens to be my toothbrush. Ed Norton: Oh, I was wonderin' why there was somethin' familiar about Miney. Curb Your Enthusiasm - Krazee-Eyez Killa 70m Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back What Women Want 21 Jump Street (2012 Film) Splash 70c Ray Romano - Live at Carnegie Hall Anjelah Johnson - That's How We Do It Tig Notaro - "Live!" Richard Belzer Kevin Hart - Laugh at My Pain Kevin Hart - Let Me Explain Lisa Lamp Rita Rudner Dana Carvey - Critic's Choice Mike Birbiglia - My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend Mike Birbiglia - My Secret Public Journal Live David Brenner - Excuse Me Are You Reading That Paper Robin Harris - One Night Stand Patton Oswalt - No Reason to Complain Gilda Radner - Live From New York Live Daniel Tosh - Happy Thoughts Roast Derek and Clive (Peter Cook and Dudley Moore) - Derek and Clive (Live) 70l Ain't Nobody Got Time for That! Your SHow of Shows - Birthday SNL - Mr. Belvedere Fan Club SNL - "Tom Brokaw Pre-Tapes" Inside Shelley Berman 69s The Middle 4.11 - "Life Skills" - Roy Brown Frasier 6.3 - "Dial M For Martin" Frasier 3.16 - "Look Before You Leap" - Chuck Ranberg and Anne Flett-Giordano Martin: Hey Frasier, think your guy down at the liquor store could send a bottle of Scotch to my buddy Jimmy in Montana? Frasier: Sure, Dad. What's the occasion? Martin: Today's his sixteenth birthday. Frasier: Oh well, you'll want to throw in a hooker too, won't you? Martin: No, don't you get it? It's February 29th. Frasier: Hmm. Martin: It's a leap year. Frasier: Right. Martin: He only gets a birthday every four years. Frasier: I get it, Dad. Martin: He's really sixty-four. Frasier: I can do the math. Niles: Good? It's glorious, heaven-sent! And you know why? Maris called! She wants to get together with me this evening. Frasier: Oh Niles, that's wonderful news! It's high time you and Maris sat down and talked through your problems. Niles: She doesn't want to talk. When she says "get together" she means in the "You wear the cr?me fraiche, I'll lick it off" sense. She's cleared her schedule from 7 till 7:30. That means foreplay AND cuddling! Martin: [gets up] You know, Niles, remember when you were a kid and your mother and I wouldn't discuss the Cuban Missile Crisis in front of you because we knew it'd give you bad dreams? Niles: Yes. Martin: It's a two-way street. Niles: I haven't had sex in six months. Frasier: Oh, surely you're exaggerating, you've only been separated for three. Niles: And your point would be? Frasier: Niles... Niles: Oh, you're right. I'll tell her no. [he sits back down] It's not going to be easy, though. Frasier: Of course not. Just don't think about sex. Daphne: [o.s.] Would you like me to butter your buns for you, Dr. Crane? Married with Children 3.5 - "Dump of My Own" Just Shoot Me 2.2 - "The Assistant" Just Shoot Me 3.24-25 - "The Odd Couple" Just Shoot Me 6.4 - Bye Bye Binnie South Park - "Fishsticks" The Golden Girls 3.16 - "Grab That Dough" The Cosby Show - "Goodbye Mr. Fish" 69m 69c 69l 68s The Big Bang Theory 2.11 - "The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis" - Stephen Engel & Eric Kaplan, Story by Bill Prady & Richard Rosenstock Sheldon: I will open her gift to me first and then excuse myself, feigning digestive distress. Then I’ll look up the price of her gift online, choose the basket closest to that value, give it to her and then I’ll return the others for a full refund. Sheldon: Ah, good, Penny, you’re here to exchange gifts. You’ll be pleased to know I’m prepared for whatever you have to offer. Penny: Okay, here. Sheldon: I should note I’m having some digestive distress, so, if I excuse myself abruptly, don’t be alarmed. Oh, a napkin. Penny: Turn it over. Sheldon: To Sheldon, live long and prosper. Leonard Nimoy. Penny: Yeah, he came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin’s dirty. He wiped his mouth with it. Sheldon: I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?! Penny: Well, yeah, yeah, I guess. But look, he signed it. Sheldon: Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I can grow my own Leonard Nimoy! Penny: Okay, all I’m giving you is the napkin, Sheldon. Sheldon: Be right back. (Sheldon appears with all the gift baskets) Penny: Sheldon! What did you do?! Sheldon: I know! It’s not enough, is it? Here. Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon’s hugging me. The Golden Girls 1.1 - "Pilot" - Susan Harris Mork & Mindy - "Mork's Mixed Emotions" 68m Step Brothers 68c David Cross - It's Not Funny Anthony Jeselnik Bill Burr - You People Are All the Same Martin Lawrence - Runteldat 68l SNL - "Men's Synchronized Swimming" SNL - "Consumer Probe" 67s Seinfeld - The Comeback Seinfeld - The Implant Seinfeld 6.21 - "The Fusilli Jerry" Clerk: You *are* the Assman. Kramer: No! I'm not the Assman. Clerk: Well, as far as the state of New York is concerned, you are. George: So, did you get your new plates? Kramer: Oh...yeah. I got my new plates. But they mixed them up. Somebody got mine and I got their *vanity* plates. George: What do they say? Kramer: Assman. Jerry: Assman? Kramer: Yeah. Assman, Jerry. I'm Cosmo Kramer, the Assman! Jerry: Who would order a license plate that says "Assman"? George: Maybe they're Wilt Chamberlain's. Jerry: It doesn't have to be someone who gets a lot of women. It could be just some guy with a big ass. Kramer: Yeah, or it could be a proctologist. Jerry: Yeah. Proctologist. George: Come on! No doctor would put that on his car. Kramer: Have you ever *met* a proctologist? Well, they usually have a very good sense of humor. You meet a proctologist at a party, don't walk away. *Plant* yourself there, because you will hear the funniest stories you've ever heard. See, no one wants to admit to them that they *stuck* something up there. Never! It's always an accident. Every proctologist story ends in the same way: "It was a million to one shot, Doc. Million to one." [In the parking lot just outside, Kramer has pulls into a "Doctors Only" space] Security Guard: Can I help you? Kramer: Ah, yeah. Doctor Cosmo Kramer. [points to plate] Proctology. Security Guard: Oh, oh, okay. Sure... Kramer: Thanks. Have a good day. I Love Lucy - “Return Home From Europe” The Brady Bunch 1.1 - "The Honeymoon" The Brady Bunch 4.1-3 - "Hawaii Bound / Pass The Tabu / The Tiki Caves Everybody Loves Raymond - "The Can Opener" Robert: I stopped by Mom and Dad's for some coffee, but I couldn't take all the Mom and Dad. ... There's a vibe over there that gives me, I can't describe it. Searing abdominal cramps. Ray: How can you tell it's [a] milk [stain] from over there? Marie: It's what I do. Ray: No, nothing's wrong, honey. I mean, I would have preferred the tuna on bread, but, you know, it's just as delicious right out of the sink! Ray: I don't know. One little comment about a can opener and she freaks out. Like the time I bet the kids they couldn't hit the ceiling fan with a plum. Robert: (walks into the room and looks at everybody) Is this about me? Ray: One drop? It was like I stuck my arm up a tuna. Ray: I just hope that you don't take me for granted. Debra: What do you mean? Ray: Eh, it's nothing. Debra: No, really, I want to know. Ray: Well, it's just like sometimes I feel when I come to bed that I'm just somebody who's here to lay next to you. Beavis and Butt-head 5.47 - "Sexual Harrassment" King of the Hill 4.6 - A Beer Can Named Desire Louie 2.11 - Duckling Friends 3.9 -"The One With The Football" Friends 5.8 - "The One With All The Thanksgivings" The Office 3.22 - "Beach Game" - Jennifer Celotta & Greg Daniels Married with Children 3.13 - Can't Dance, Don't Ask Me 67m 67c Norm MacDonald 67l 66s The Simpsons - "Homer Badman" The Simpsons - "The Crepes of Wrath" SKINNER: Our elementary school participates in a foreign exchange program. Normally, a student is selected on the basis of academic excellence or intelligence, but in Bart's case, I'm prepared to make a big exception. And if you're willing to play along, he can spend the next three months studying far, far away. HOMER: Sounds great. Although, a kid can't learn much in just three months. MARGE: Homer, you didn't even ask where Bart would be going! HOMER: See these? American donuts. Glazed, powdered, and raspberry filled. Now how's that for freedom of choice? ADIL: Dad, do you think I might see your plutonium isolation module? HOMER: Dee....uh...maybe. Hold on a second. Homer walks over to Lenny. HOMER: Hey, Lenny. LENNY: Hmm? HOMER: Does this place have one of those plutonium isolation deals? LENNY: Yeah, over in sector 12. HOMER: Sector 12? LENNY: Third floor, by the candy machines. HOMER: Oh, that sector 12. Come along, Adil. The Simpsons 4.22 - "Krusty Gets Kancelled" - John Swartzwelder Bart: That cute little character could take America by storm. All he needs is a hook. Gabbo: [coyly] I'm a bad widdle boy. Bart: Ay, Carumba! Krusty: Thirty-five years in television and already nobody remembers me. Just like what's-his-face. The Simpsons - "A Streetcar Named Marge" The Simpsons 8.9 "El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer" The Andy Griffith Show - Barney and the Choir Get Smart 1.1 - "Mr. Big" - Buck Henry & Mel Brooks Family Guy - "E. Peterbus Unum" It's Always Sunny - "The Gang Tries Desperately to Win an Award" 30 Rock 4.7 - "Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001" King of the Hill - Reborn To Be Wild King of the Hill - Dog Dale Afternoon 66m School of Rock 66c 66l 65s I Love Lucy - “Lucy And Ethel Buy The Same Dress” I Love Lucy - “Paris At Last” Two and a Half Men 8.4 “Hookers, Hookers, Hookers” – Two and a Half Men 1.2 - "Big Flappy Bastards" Two and a Half Men 1.7 - "If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake" King of the Hill - Ho Yeah! 65m Major League 2 65c Jimmy Fallon - Bathroom Wall David Cross- Let America Laugh 65l 64s Seinfeld 6.22 - "The Face Painter" Married with Children 3.11 - "Eatin' Out" Married with Children 5.13 - "The Godfather" - Ralph Farquhar BUD He's 41. PEGGY (to Kelly) You are dating a man old enough to be my father? AL Peg, she's not dating Lincoln. KELLY You'll be nice to him, won't you, Daddy? AL Don't worry Pumpkin, I'll show him the same respect that I'll show any 41 year old man who dates his teenage daughter. KELLY Daddy, you're the best! AL Look at it, Peg. The Bundy Empire! Tomorrow we make a delivery, and we pick up a check for ten thousand dollars. PEGGY Oh AL! AL What's wrong, Peg? PEGGY Nothing. I think I just had my first real orgasm! KELLY Well, you could've thrown me for a fruit loop when I heard he was married. But I guess the signs were there if you just know how to recognise them. The wedding ring, the diapers in the backseat of the station wagon. Three's Company 6.23 - "And Now, Here's Jack" The Larry Sanders Show - "The Truth is Out There" South Park - "You Got F'd in the A" South Park - Imaginationland Cartman: Dragon Wind to Blackie: What's your six, Blackei? Token: I don't want the code name Blackie. Cartman: Code names are what they are, Blackie! Cartman: Dragon Wind to Faggot! Come in, Faggot! Butters: This is faggot. Go ahead. Cartman: Faggot I need you to keep surveillance North to North East. Check back in five. Butters: Okay, will do. Faggot out. Cartman: Uhh, Kyle, I believe a certain someone is supposed to put a certain set of balls in their mouth. Cartman: I believe a serious blow to democracy has just been dealt. A travesty has occurred, and I want justice! Kyle Broflovski did willingly and knowingly sign a contract, and yet, to date, he has made no effort, nor does he show any intention, of ever sucking my balls! I've given him ample time to fulfill his obligation, and he has thus refused. I stand before you with dry balls, Your Honor. I've provided witnesses, collected testimonials, and still, my balls remain dry. I want what I'm entitled to! Judge: Mr. Broflovski, did you agree to orally imbibe Mr. Cartman's scrotum and testicles? Kyle: I... Judge: Is this not your signature on the contract? Kyle: Uh... W-uh... but... Come o- come on! Really? I mean, aren't there more important things going on right now? Judge: From what I've been presented and the evidence put forth, the court has no choice but to order you to place Mr. Cartman's pubicle sac in your mouth, and draw upon it succulently for no less than 30 seconds. Cartman: Yesss! Judge: You have twenty four hours to suck aforementioned balls. Mel Gibson: Ah, my nipples, they hurt! They hurt when I twist them! General: Yes, uh, I don't suppose you have any creative ideas how to fight these terrorists? Anchorman: The Pentagon claims that because imaginary things are not real, the military doesn't need Senate approval to nuke them. [A protest in Washington D.C..] Hippie 1: That's bullcrap, man! You can't nuke our imagination! Hippie 2: Don't nuke our imagination bro! WOOO! South Park - "Marjorine" South Park - "Fat Butt and Pancake Head" South Park - "Butters' Very Own Episode Family Guy - "McStroke" Family Guy - "North by North Quahog" Withnail & I The Golden Girls 4.15 - Valentine's Day The Golden Girls 1.15 - "In a Bed of Rose's" Living Single 3.22 - "Woman to Woman" Rhoda - "Rhoda's Wedding" Roseanne 2.7 - "BOO!" Roseanne - "Scenes from a Mall" Will & Grace 4.9 - "Moveable Feast" I Love Lucy- “Lucy Does The Tango” 64m 64c 64l 63s Seinfeld - The Parking Garage 63m Naked Gun 33 1/3 My Girl Billy Madison The Great Outdoors - John Hughes Tropic Thunder The Burbs Waiting For Guffman The Money Pit Mr. Mom License to Drive 63c Daniel Tosh - True Stories I Made Up / Completely Serious 63l SNL - "The Judy Miller Show" 62s Martin 1.5 - "Dead Men Don't Flush" - David Wyatt The Bob Newhart Show 5.19 - "Death Be My Destiny" - Sy Rosen The Office 5.13 - "Stress Relief" - Paul Lieberstein The Office 2.10 The Andy Griffith Show - Convicts at Large Cheers - "Abnormal Psychology" - Janet Leahy Roseanne 3.24 - "Scenes from a Barbecue" - Bob Myer, Chuck Lorre The Andy Griffith Show - Barney's Sidecar NewsRadio - "The Public Domain" NewsRadio 4.5 - "French Diplomacy" - Drake Sather NewsRadio - "Security Door" Car 54, Where Are You? - "How Smart Can You Get" - Tony Webster, Story by Tony Webster and Nat Hiken Cheers 3.14 - The Heart Is a Lonely Snipehunter Cheers 8.14 - What is... Cliff Clavin? The Simpsons 6.13 - "And Maggie Makes Three" - Jennifer Crittenden Barney: Hey, sure, Homer. I told you, my uncle owns the place. Hey, Uncle Al. Can Homer here have a job? Al: Sure. Homer: Woo hoo! [dances a little jig] Al: Barney, you're fired. Barney: OK. [walks away] Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy? Marge: Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this. Hibbert: Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000. Marge: What?! Hibbert: Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably] 62m The Naked Gun 2 1/2 62c 62l Moonlighting "Atomic Shakespeare" The Howard Stern Show - AJ Benza vs Stuttering John Desperate Housewives - "The Best Thing That Ever Could Have Happened 61s Seinfeld - The Pen 61m 61c Reggie Watts - Why Shit so Crazy? Richard Pryor - Black Ben The Blacksmith 61l SNL - "Super Bass-O-Matic '76" SNL - "NPR's Delicious Dish: Schweddy Balls" Brian Williams Raps "Gin and Juice" 60s The Larry Sanders Show - "Everybody Loves Larry" - Jon Vitti IT Crowd - "The Work Outing" Newhart 1.9 - "No Room At the Inn" Yes, Dear 2.23 - "Vegas Vacation" Yes, Dear 5.3 - "Headshot" Yes, Dear 1.1 - "Pilot" - Gregory Thomas Garcia, Alan Kirschenbaum Police Squad! - "A Substantial Gift (The Broken Promise)" The Andy Griffith Show - Mr. McBeeVee The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "Support Your Local Mother" The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "The Last Show" - James L. Brooks, Allan Burns, The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show 3.10 - "Silky Thompson / Gracie Writes 'My Life with George Burns' / Gracie Writes About Silky Thompson" Seinfeld - The Red Dot The Drew Carey Show 3.8 - "The Dog and Pony Show" The Beverly Hillbillies - Hedda Hopper's Hollywood" The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis - "The Best-Dressed Man" The Real McCoys - "Once There Was a Traveling Saleswoman" - Bill Manhoff Frasier 1.1 - "The Good Son" - David Angell, Peter Casey and David Lee Community - "Epidemiology" Cheers - "I'll Be Seeing You" Leave it to Beaver - "Captain Jack" Gilligan's Island - "The Producer" The Phil Silvers Show - "The Eating Contest" Friends - "The One with Unagi" Friends - "The One After Ross Says Rachel" - Seth Kurland South Park 14.3 - "Medicinal Fried Chicken" South Park - "The Death of Eric Cartman" South Park - "The Losing Edge" South Park - "Cartman Joins NAMBLA Cartman: Why the hell does the FBI keep arresting all my [new adult] friends? Mr. Garrison: I did not want love from a young boy! I like men my own age. Aah! I mean, I like women! What did I say? Oh God! I love titties! Lead Agent: Alright, sickos. Where are the children?! Mephesto: What children? Lead Agent: This... is... NAMBLA, right? Mephesto: Yes. Lead Agent: The North American Man/Boy Love Association? Mephesto: What? No! We're the North American Marlon Brando Look-Alikes. Blond Agent: Aw, crap! We got the wrong NAMBLA. The Brady Bunch 3.12 - "Getting Davy Jones" King of the Hill - Aisle 8A 60m Road Trip Me & Mrs. Smith 60c Dennis Miller - Mr. Miller Goes to Washington Starring Dennis Miller Nick Swardson - Party What? That movie's called Boner Soup? About the dad who died and the kids? What the fuck is Boner Soup? I didn't see a boner or soup in the whole trailer. Wouldn't that be a cool world, if we all became the very first thing-- the very first thing you commit to, that's it. You have to be that. You have no choice. It's be fucking cray. There'd just be ninjas running around, princesses. Quarterbacks throwing balls to pirates. Rrarr! It'd just be crazy. When you're a kid, all the adults lie to you. They're always like, "when you get older, you can do whatever you want. Whatever you want to be--you little assholes." No, but you can't. Like, you can't be a ninja, you know what I mean? You can't. Go try it. Be a ninja, all right? Quit your job. Monday, get a black suit, a mask, sword. Just walk around during the day just kicking people in the face. "Waah-pshh!" "Af, fuck!" "I'm a ninja." And you just go and hide in the shadows. You can't do it. I want to show up at my high-school reunion as a ninja, though, and freak everybody out, just throw everyone off. You just show up. Guys are like, "Hey, what's up, Nick? It's me, Bob. I'm a real-estate agent now. And Jim's a lawyer. He's got his own firm." "i'm a ninja." They're like, " " And then you can, like, get back at all the guys who you hated. You know, they'd be like, "Hey, " [blows] " bfft!"

I would never commit suicide, but if I did, I want to do it in front of a lot of people and then yell something really weird right before I did it, just to mess with all the people that witnessed it, you know what I mean? Like, go in front of a group of people with a gun and just be like, "Who fucking farted?!" Boom! Just blow my head off. Dude, how con'used would those people be for the rest of their lives? They would have no idea what that meant, why that happened. Like, can you imagine seeing that? You're just hanging out, and it's just--boom! "Oh, whoa! What'd that guy just say? 'Who fucking farted?' Hey, who farted? ey, plug your nose, man. Somebody farted. That guy just killed himself. Hey, plug your nose, bro. That guy-- yeah, he just smelled the worst fart ever, man, and just-- yeah, he just ended it. Yeah, plug it, man! That poor guy. What'd that smell like-- like broccoli and, like, a dead body with eggs on it? Lord Buckley - His Royal Hipness Kristen Schaal - Live at the Fillmore Paul F. Tompkins Pete Holmes Eugene Mirman 60l SNL - "White Like Me" aka "White Like Eddie" Eddie Murphy: You know, a lot of people talk about racial prejudice. And some people have gone so far as to say that there are actually two Americas: one black and one white. But talk is cheap. So I decided to look into the problem myself, firsthand. To go underground and actually experience America... as a white man. Eddie Murphy: See? See how they [white people on Dynasty] walk? Their butts are real tight when they walk. They keep their butts tight. I've gotta remember to keep my butt real tight when I walk. Eddie Murphy: Slowly, I began to realize that when white people are alone, they give things to each other for free. Eddie Murphy: What a silly Negro! Sex and the City - "Running With Scissors Sex and the City - "The Post-it Always Sticks Twice Sex and the City - "A Woman’s Right to Shoes Sex and the City - "Splat! 59s The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "Lou's First Date" The Simpsons - The City of New York vs. Homer Just Shoot Me 3.10 - "How the Finch Stole Christmas" 59m The Simpsons Movie Bad Santa The Great Dictator Hitch 59c Neil Hamburger - Great Phone Calls John Caparulo 59l 58s I Love Lucy - The Gossip" The Brady Bunch 3.13 - "The Not-So-Rose-Colored Glasses" 58m Kind Hearts and Coronets Vegas Vacation Cable Guy 58c 58l SNL - "Debbie Downer: Happiest Place on Earth?" 57s Seinfeld 9.3 - The Serenity Now - Steve Koren Cheers - "Homicidal Ham" - David Lloyd Family Ties - "'A' My Name is Alex." The Patty Duke Show - "The Cousins" I Love Lucy - Bon Voyage” The Mary Tyler Moore Show - "The Dinner Party" Lucky Louie - "Kim's O" Leave It to Beaver - "Baby Picture" Murphy Brown - "You Say Potatoe, I Say Potato" Curb Your Enthusiasm 4.5 - "The 5 Wood" Curb Your Enthusiasm 6.3 - "The Ida Funkhouser Roadside Memorial" Curb Your Enthusiasm - Beloved Aunt Curb Your Enthusiasm - Palestinian Chicken Curb Your Enthusiasm - The Black Swan Curb Your Enthusiasm - "The N Word" Silicon Valley - "Optimal Tip-to-Tip Efficiency" - Alec Berg Entourage 1.6 - Busey and the Beach NewsRadio - "Bitch Session" The Simpsons - "I Love Lisa" Get Smart - "The Groovy Guru" Mary Tyler Moore 5.23 - "Ted Baxter's Famous Broadcasting School" Maude - "Vivian's First Funeral" The Golden Girls "A Little Romance" - Barry Fanaro and Mort Nathan 57m We're the Millers 57c 57l Sex and the City - "Pick-a-Little, Talk-a-Little" 56s Three's Company 8.14 - "Baby, It's Cold Inside" Three's Company 5.19 - "Double Trouble" Three's Company 4.8 - "A Camping We Will Go" Three's Company - "Diamond Jack" The Simpsons - Radioactive Man The Simpsons - The Springfield Files The Simpsons - Homer's Barbershop Quartet The Simpsons - Homer's Enemy The Simpsons - Lisa the Vegetarian The Simpsons 1.5 - "Bart the General" The Simpsons - Duffless The Simpsons - King Size Homer" Seinfeld - The Pez Dispenser 30 Rock 3.2 - "Believe in the Stars" 30 Rock 1.10 - "The Rural Juror" 30 Rock - "Reunion" - Matt Hubbard 30 Rock 2.11 - "MILF Island" 30 Rock 1.12 - "Black Tie" - Kay Cannon, Tina Fey 56m Van Wilder History of the World, Part I Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion Forgetting Sarah Marshall Joe Dirt 56c Nick Thune — Folk Hero Martin Mull - In Your Living Room Bobcat Goldthwait - Meat Bob 56l 55s I Love Lucy - “Never Do Business With Friends” I Love Lucy - Tennessee Ernie Visits I Love Lucy - “Lucy’s Schedule” I Love Lucy - Ricky Thinks He's Going Bald I Love Lucy - Lucy Writes a Play The Simpsons - "The Last Temptation of Homer" The Simpsons - "Gabbo is Fabbo" The Simpsons 2.11 - "One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" - Nell Scovell The Simpsons 6.12 - Homer the Great The Simpsons - A Star is Burns The Simpsons - Behind the Laughter The Simpsons - A Weekend At Burnsies The Simpsons - Homer Goes to College South Park - "Simpsons Already Did It" South Park - "Goobacks" Seinfeld - Little Kicks Family Guy - "Airport 07" Family Guy - Blue Harvest Family Guy - "Family Gay" Three's Company - “Strange Bedfellows” Three's Company - “Days Of Beer And Weeds” The Odd Couple - The New Car Sports Night - "The Apology" Welcome Back Kotter 2.3 - "Sweatside Story" Cheers - "Bar Wars" The Brady Bunch - Amateur Night The Brady Bunch - Dough Re Mi The Brady Bunch 3.1-3.3 - "Ghost Town, U.S.A. / Grand Canyon or Bust / The Brady Braves" South Park - "With Apologies to Jesse Jackson" South Park 11.8 - "Le Petit Tourette" - Trey Parker The Doris Day Show 2.5 - "The Chocolate Bar War" Frasier - Frasier Crane's Day Off The Andy Griffith Show "Opie the Birdman" The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show - "Columbia Pictures Doing Burns and Allen Story" 30 Rock 1.5 Jack-Tor Green Acres 5.21 - "The Case of the Hooterville Refund Fraud Poster" Buffalo Bill - "Hit The Road, Jack" 55m Kindergarten Cop Little Miss Sunshine Dude, Where's My Car? Attack of the Killer Tomatoes 55c 55l SNL - Hey You! College Humor - "The Six Girls You'll Date in College" Moonlighting - "The Dream Sequence Always Rings Twice" 54s I Love Lucy - "Ricky and Fred are T.V. Fans" I Love Lucy - "Home Movies" I Love Lucy - Raising Tulips I Love Lucy - “The Camping Trip” I Love Lucy - The Black Wig 30 Rock 2.14 Sandwich Day Curb Your Enthusiasm - "Incest Support Group" Seinfeld 3.5 - "The Library" - Larry Charles LIBRARIAN: Uh, this case has been turned over to our library investigation officer Mr. Bookman. KRAMER: Bookman? The library investigator's name is actually, Bookman? LIBRARIAN: It's true. KRAMER: That's amazing. That's like an ice cream man named Cone. LIBRARIAN: Mr. Bookman's not here. JERRY: Not here? Why was I told to come down here? LIBRARIAN: He'll be out all afternoon on a case. KRAMER: He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases? BOOKMAN: You don't have any instant coffee? JERRY: Well, I don't normally-- BOOKMAN: Who doesn't have instant coffee? JERRY: I don't. BOOKMAN: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried Crystals. BOOKMAN: You took this book out in 1971. JERRY: Yes, and I returned it in 1971. BOOKMAN: Yeah, '71. That was my first year on the job. Bad year for libraries. Bad year for America. BOOKMAN: You're a comedian, you make people laugh. JERRY: I try. BOOKMAN: You think this is all a big joke, don't you? JERRY: No, I don't. BOOKMAN: Yeah, I know what you're thinking. What's this guy making such a big stink about old library books? Well, let me give you a hint, junior. Maybe we can live without libraries, people like you and me. Maybe. Sure, we're too old to change the world, but what about that kid, sitting down, opening a book, right now, in a branch at the local library and finding drawings of pee-pees and wee-wees on the Cat in the Hat and the Five Chinese Brothers? Everybody Loves Raymond - "Marie's Sculpture" Everybody Loves Raymond - "Raybert" Robert: (to Ray) She thinks I'm you. How do you know Ray? Natasha: We met at a bar. What do you mean? Through Robert? Netasha: No, I met Robert through Ray--'cause Ray and I are kind of "dating." Frank: Holy crap! Robert: I come to fix sprinkler. The Brady Bunch - "The Cincinatti Kids" Parks and Recreation - "The Debate" - Amy Poehler The Simpsons - Trilogy of Error The Simpsons - "Stark Raving Dad" The Simpsons - Bart the Daredevil The Simpsons - Bart Sells His Soul' 54m Road to Morocco Bigalow Jerry Maguire Black Sheep Tucker & Dale vs. Evil Hot Tub Time Machine 54c Rick Ducommun - Piece of Mind David Spade - Take The Hit 54l Pushing Daisies - "Pie-lette" - Bryan Fuller 53s Three's Company 5.4 - "Downhill Chaser" Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman - "Chicken Soup" Seinfeld - The Summer of George The Odd Couple - "Fat Farm" The Honeymooners - Please Leave the Premises It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia 2.5 - "Hundred Dollar Baby" - Charlie Day, Glenn Howerton, Rob McElhenney Newhart 5.1 - "Co-Hostess Twinkie" - David Mirkin Just Shoot Me! 4.23 - "A&E Biography: Nina Van Horn" Cheers 1.16 - "The Boys in the Bar" - David Isaacs and Ken Levine Taxi - "Elaine's Strange Triangle" - David Lloyd Andy Richter Controls the Universe 2.7 - "Crazy in Rio" Buffalo Bill - "Jerry Lewis Week" Dear John 1.2 - "Ralph's Curse" The Simpsons - Eternal Moonshine of a Spotless Mind The Simpsons 23.6 - "The Book Job" The Simpsons 20.13 - "Gone Maggie Gone" - Billy Kimball, Ian Maxtone-Graham Yes, Dear 2.13 - "You're Out of Dreams" Yes, Dear 4.22 - "Couples Therapy" - Christopher Vane 53m Runaway Bride Pineapple Express Get Him to the Greek Paul Nine Months Clerks II The Benchwarmers Hot Rod Big Daddy Wild Hogs Grown Ups 53c Nate Bargatze - Yelled At By a Clown Jim Breuer - Smoke & Breu Jim Breuer - And Laughter For All Moshe Kasher — Live From Oakland 53l SNL 1.19 - "Nixon's Final Days" - Al Franken & Tom Davis Pat Nixon: "Dick wasn't anti-Semitic. He hated all minorities. 52s 3rd Rock from the Sun - "Hotel Dick" The Love Boat - "Hidden Treasure/Picture from the Past/Ace's Salary" All in the Family - "Sammy's Visit" The Wonder Years - "My Father's Office" Family Guy - The Courtship of Stewie's Father" Family Guy - "To Love and Die in Dixie" 30 Rock - "TGS Hates Women" Curb Your Enthusiasm 8.10 - "Larry vs. Michael J. Fox" Curb Your Enthusiasm - "Shaq" Curb Your Enthusiasm - "The Special Section" Entourage 2.03 - Aquamansion Entourage 6.12 - Give a Little Bit Entourage 5.7 - Gotta Look Up To Get Down South Park 8.14 - "Woodland Critter Christmas" Maude 3.13 - "Music Hath Charms" 30 Rock 2.9 - "Ludachristmas" 30 Rock 3.22 - "Kidney Now!" The Mary Tyler Moore Show 7.3 - "Sue Ann's Sister" Seinfeld - The Bizarro World The Simpsons - "Homer the Heretic" The Simpsons 6.19 - Lisa's Wedding. The Simpsons - Homer's Phobia The Simpsons - Kamp Krusty The Simpsons - Itchy & Scratchy Land The Big Bang Theory 1.1 - "Pilot" - Chuck Lorre and Bill Prady Leonard: We need to widen our circle. Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on myspace. Leonard: Yes, and you’ve never met one of them. Sheldon: That’s the beauty of it. Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here? Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money. Sheldon: Um, Penny, that’s where I sit. Penny: So, sit next to me. Sheldon: No, I sit there. Penny: What’s the difference? Sheldon: What’s the difference? Leonard: Here we go. Sheldon: In the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer it’s directly in the path of a cross breeze created by open windows there, and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide to create a parallax distortion, I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point. Leonard: That’s probably enough about us, tell us about you. Penny: Um, me, okay, I’m Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know. Sheldon: Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the Sun’s apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations and the time of your birth somehow effects your personality. Penny: Participate in the what? Leonard: I think what Sheldon’s trying to say, is that Sagittarius wouldn’t have been our first guess. Penny: Oh, yeah, a lot of people think I’m a water sign. Okay, let’s see, what else, oh, I’m a vegetarian, oh, except for fish, and the occasional steak. I love steak. Penny: I’m a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory. Leonard: Oh, okay. I love cheesecake. Sheldon: You’re lactose intolerant. Leonard: I don’t eat it, I just think it’s a good idea. Leonard: Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360, we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building. (Two girl scouts arrive carrying bags of cookies. One runs her hand down the intercom, pushing all the buttons. The door is buzzed open.) Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is? Leonard: Sheldon, I’m so sorry I dragged you through this. Sheldon: It’s okay. It wasn’t my first pantsing, and it won’t be my last. Leonard: And you were right about my motives, I was hoping to establish a relationship with Penny that might have some day led to sex. Sheldon: Well you got me out of my pants. 52m Neighbors The Longest Yard (2005) Me, Myself, a& Irene Hot Chick Team America: World Police 52c 52l College Humor - "Realistic Hollywood Sex Scene" 51s The Simpsons 14.2 - "How I Spent My Strummer Vacation" The Simpsons - Mayored to the Mob The Simpsons - Hurricane Neddy I Love Lucy - “Bonus Bucks” I Love Lucy 2.17 - "Sales Resistance" - Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. I Love Lucy - The Ballet I Love Lucy - “Lucy Wants To Move To The Country” I Love Lucy - First Stop” I Love Lucy 2.4 - The Handcuffs - Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. I Love Lucy 5.24 - Lucy's Bicycle Trip - Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. & Bob Schiller & Bob Weiskopf I Love Lucy 6.24 - Building a Bar-B-Q - Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. & Bob Schiller & Bob Weiskopf I Love Lucy 1.35 - Ricky Asks for a Raise - Jess Oppenheimer & Madelyn Davis & Bob Carroll Jr. I Love Lucy - “The Star Upstairs” I Love Lucy - The Tour” Pioneer Women Lucy Raises Chickens I Love Lucy - “Too Many Crooks” I Love Lucy - “The Diner” I Love Lucy - “Lucy Hires An English Tutor” I Love Lucy - “Breaking The Lease” I Love Lucy - "The Fur Coat" Seinfeld - The Muffin Tops Seinfeld - "The Cheever Letters" Seinfeld - The Jimmy Seinfeld - The Limo Seinfeld - "The Mango" - Larry David and Lawrence H. Levy GEORGE: You faked? ELAINE: On occasion. JERRY: And the guy never knows? ELAINE: No. JERRY: How can he not know that? ELAINE: Because I was gooood. JERRY: I guess after that many beers he's probably a little groggy anyway. (Jerry and George laugh) ELAINE: You didn't know. JERRY: What? ELAINE: You didn't know. JERRY: Are you saying... (George calls a waitress) GEORGE: I think I'll have a piece of cake. JERRY: With me? ELAINE: Well... JERRY: You faked with me? ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: You faked with me? ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: No. ELAINE: Yeah. JERRY: You faked it? ELAINE: I faked it. JERRY: That whole thing, the whole production, it was all an act? ELAINE: Not bad huh? JERRY: What about the breathing, the panting, the moaning, the screaming? ELAINE: Fake, fake, fake, fake. JERRY: I'm stunned, I'm shocked! How many times did you do this? ELAINE: Uuuhm, all the time. JERRY: All the time?! JERRY: The woman had an orgasm under false pretences. That's sexual perjury. JERRY: (on phone) Hello Elaine? Patty Lorens had orgasms what do you think about that? And I got calls in to six other women and I bet you they confirm an orgasm too. So what do you have to say now Elaine?... Hello? 30 Rock 4.13 Anna Howard Shaw Day 30 Rock 2.5 Greenzo 30 Rock 1.18 - "Fireworks" 30 Rock 2.12 - Subway Hero 30 Rock 6.19 Live from Studio 6H Happy Days - "Richie Fights Back" Family Guy - "Brian A Portrait Of A Dog" Family Guy - I Dream Of Jesus Family Guy - Road to the North Pole Friends 5.11 - "The One With All The Resolutions" Three's Company - "Good Old Reliable Janet” Three's Company - “The Love Diary” Three's Company - “Roper’s Niece” Three's Company - "No Children, No Dogs” Three's Company - “Jack Looks For A Job” Bob “Bob And Kaye And Jerry And Patty” Bob “Better To Have Loved And Flossed” Frasier - "Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz" - Jay Kogen One Foot in the Grave - "Wisdom of the Witch" The Odd Couple - “Cleanliness Is Next To Impossible” South Park - "Cartman Sucks" South Park 8.12 - "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset" The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd - "(Pilot-) Here's Why Cosmetics Should Come in Unbreakable Bottles" The Days and Nights of Molly Dodd "Here's a Little Touch of Harry in the Night" Jay Tarses Lifetime Frank's Place - "The Bridge" Everybody Hates Chris - "Everybody Hates Food Stamps" King of the Hill - The Exterminator King of the Hill - And They Call it Bobby Love King of the Hill 2.5 - "Jumpin' Crack Bass (It's a Gas, Gas, Gas)" King of the Hill - Grand Theft Arlen King of the Hill - How To Fire A Rifle, Without Really Trying King of the Hill 4.16 - Movin' On Up King of the Hill - Nancy's Boys 51m Robin Hood: Men in Tights Are you with me? Yea or nay? Which one means yes? Yea. If you let Robin live, I'll do the most disgusting thing I can think of. And what's that? I shall marry you. What? You'll be mine? You'll give yourself to me every night? And sometimes right after lunch? Yes. But only my body. You can never have my heart, my mind, or my soul. Oh, yes. I respect that. The Dream Team Role Models The Other Guys Shanghai Noon Mr. Deeds Beerfest Eurotrip Four Lions Multiplicity I Love You to Death 51c Rowan Atkinson - Not Just a Pretty Face Louis CK - Oh My God! 51l The Carol Burnett Show "Went With the Wind" 50s The Bob Newhart Show 1.12 - "Bob and Emily and Howard and Carol and Jerry" - Charlotte Brown Happy Days - "Fonzie Loves Pinky" The Simpsons - Who Shot Mr. Burns? 30 Rock 6.9 Leap Day The Lucy Show - "Lucy Gets Jack Benny's Account" - Milt Josefsberg & Ray Singer I Love Lucy - Lucy & Bob Married with Children 7.21 - Movie Show The Middle 2.5 - "Foreign Exchange" The Drew Carey Show 5.8 - Drew Live Mad About You - "The Alan Brady Show" The Simpsons 7.19 - "A Fish Called Selma" Troy: Hi, I'm Troy McClure; you may remember me from such films as "The Greatest Story Ever Hulaed", and "They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall". Wiggum: License please? Wiggum: I'll tear up this ticket. But I'm, uh... still gonna have to ask you for a bribe. Selma: You're Troy McClure! I remember you from such films as "Meet Joe Blow" and "Give My Remains to Broadway". Selma: Now, Mr. McClure, would you like to take off those glasses, and read the top line? [points to an eye chart] Troy: Err... W... 7... star... pound... uh... Selma: Being a huge movie star must be good too. What are you working on now? Troy: I've been reading a lot of scripts lately. You know, it's a lot cheaper than going to the movies. Troy: You haven't found me work in twelve years! Agent: [chuckles] Oh, you. Jury duty is work. Troy: Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner. Selma: Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us. [Marge looks disappointed] Oh, come on! Guess which one. Homer: I know, I know; it's Selma, right? Marge: It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. Homer: That reminds me. Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his carreer. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle. Selma: Troy, darling--come to bed. I want the Troy McClure I remember from such films as "Make-Out King of Montana" and "The Electric Gigolo". Selma: But... don't you love me? Troy: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? Selma: Are you gay? Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. The Golden Girls 2.14 - "The Actor" - Barry Fanaro & Mort Nathan Rose: Dorothy, is this a good champagne? Dorothy: It's hard to tell. The "two for $7" sticker is covering the year of vintage. Dorothy: Rose, why don't we just show Mr Vaughn around the theatre? Blanche: Why don't I do that myself? I've had the most experience performing here. Dorothy: Blanche, the parking lot doesn't count. Rose: I feel so common, so cheap. So used. How do you usually deal with that, Blanche? The Cosby Show - "Denise's Friend" - John Markus Frasier - "An Affair to Forget" Anne Flett-Giordano and Chuck Ranberg Frasier "Something Borrowed, Someone Blue" Joe Keenan & Christopher Lloyd Curb Your Enthusiasm - "Trick or Treat" 227 Season 4.6 - "And the Survey Says..." The Partridge Family - "Soul Club" Entourage 2.5 - Neighbors Entourage - "Bat Mitzvah" Entourage 2.13 Exodus Entourage 2.7 The Sundance Kids Entourage 3.6 Three's Company Entourage 4.12 - "The Cannes Kids" Entourage 2.2 - My Maserati Does 185 Entourage 2.14 - The Abyss The Bob Cummings Show 5.7 - "Grandpa Clobbers the Air Force" - Paul Henning & Dick Wesson Father Knows Best - "Medal for Margaret" - Roswell Rogers The Phil Silvers Show - "Bilko's Vampire" - Billy Friedberg, Arnie Rosen, Coleman Jacoby Get Smart - "Ship of Spies" - Buck Henry, Leonard Family Affair - "Buffy" - Edmund Hartmann He & She - "The Coming-Out Party" - Allan Burns, Chris Hayward He & She - "The Old Man and the She" - Leonard Stern & Arne Sultan That Girl - "The Mailman Cometh" - Danny Arnold and Ruth Brooks Flippen Here's Lucy - "Lucy Meets the Burtons" - Madelyn Pugh Davis & Bob Carroll, Jr. The Mary Tyler Moore Show "The Good-Time News" Allan Burns & James L. Brooks The Mary Tyler Moore Show "The Lou and Edie Story" Treva The Mary Tyler Moore Show "Will Mary Richards Go to Jail?" Stan Daniels, Ed. Weinberger CBS The Mary Tyler Moore Show "Lou and That Woman" David Lloyd CBS The Mary Tyler Moore Show "Mary Midwife" David Lloyd The Mary Tyler Moore Show "Ted's Change of Heart" Earl Pomerantz Barney Miller "Landmark" (Part III) Frank Dungan, Jeff Stein and Tony Sheehan ABC Barney Miller "Quarantine" (Part II) Tony Sheehan & Danny Arnold ABC Barney Miller "The Photographer" R.J. Colleary ABC The Associates "The Censors" Stan Daniels and Ed Weinberger The Associates "The First Day" Michael Leeson and Charlie Hauck Taxi "Tony's Sister and Jim" Michael Leeson Taxi "Elegant Iggy" Ken Estin ABC Buffalo Bill "Pilot" Tom Patchett and Jay Tarses NBC Buffalo Bill "Wilkinson's Sword" Tom Patchett NBC Buffalo Bill"Jo-Jo's Problem" (Part II) Jay Tarses Family Ties "The Real Thing" (Part II) Michael J. 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Judd Apatow, John Markus and Garry Shandling HBO The Larry Sanders Show"My Name is Asher Kingsley" Peter Tolan The Larry Sanders Show "Putting the 'Gay' Back in Litigation" Richard Day, Alex Gregory and Peter Huyck HBO Freaks and Geeks "Pilot" Paul Feig Freaks and Geeks "Discos and Dragons" Paul Feig The Bernie Mac Show "Pilot" Larry Wilmore Fox Extras "Daniel Radcliffe" Ricky Gervais & Stephen Merchant HBO Flight of the Conchords "Yoko" James Bobin, Jemaine Clement, and Bret McKenzie HBO Flight of the Conchords "Prime Minister" James Bobin, Jemaine Clement, and Bret McKenzie HBO Glee "Pilot" Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuk, and Ian Brennan Fox Parks and Recreation "Win, Lose, or Draw" Michael Schur Episodes "Episode Seven" David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik Showtime Episodes "Episode Nine" David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik Showtime Episodes "Episode Five" David Crane & Jeffrey Klarik Showtime Orange Is the New Black "I Wasn't Ready" Liz Friedman & Jenji Kohan Veep "Special Relationship" Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, & Tony RocheYes, 50m Dragnet (1987 film) Night at the Roxbury Slacker I Love You, Man Scott Pilgrim vs. the World See No Evil, Hear No Evil Zack and Miri Make a Porno 50c 50l Sex and the City "I Love a Charade" Cindy Chupack & Michael Patrick King College Humor - "Street Fighter: The Later Years" SNL - The Stand-Ups Mario: Game Over Minister Yes, Prime Minister Blackadder Fawlty Towers Hancock's Half Hour Only Fools and Horses The Royle Family Absolutely Fabulous Porridge Till Death Us Do Part Whatever Happened to the Likely Lads? The Fall and Rise of Reginald Perrin The Good Life Steptoe and Son Dad's Army Amos 'N' Andy Make Room for Daddy Bewitched The Beverly Hillbillies Mister Ed My Three Sons The Monkees The Jeffersons The Nanny Home Improvement Porridge Reba One Foot in the Grave The King of Queens One Day at a Time Laverne & Shirley Spin City Dharma and Greg Grace Under Fire Growing Pains Empty Nest Boy Meets World The Love Boat Good Times Soap Moonlighting The Patty Duke Show Hee Haw Worst British Sitcoms 1 Sir Yellow (Yorkshire) 2 Up the Elephant and Round the Castle (Thames) 3 Trouble In Mind (LWT) 4 Take a Letter, Mr Jones (Southerni) 5 My Husband and I (1987-88) (Yorkshire) 6 Constant Hot Water (Central) 7 High and Dry (Yorkshire) 8 Come Back Mrs Noah (BBC) 9 Tripper's Day/Slinger's Day (Thames) 10 High Street Blues (LWT) 11 Room Service (Thames) 12 Romany Jones (LWT) 13 Rule Britannia (Thames) 14 Selwyn (Yorkshire) 15 Don't Drink the Water (LWT) 16 Odd Man Out (Thames) 17 In for a Penny ( LWT) 18 Plaza Patrol (Yorkshire) 19 Yus My Dear (LWT) 20 Bottle Boys (LWT) s